Elegance with Expense

15. Drift Away

Tonight could go two ways, everyone could bombard me with questions or they could be awkwardly silent. I place my bets on the second one, mainly because I know that my eldest brothers would most likely have a talk with them, regarding me.

For some reason, out of everything that happened today, only one thing kept on replaying in my head. It was less annoying but more upsetting, upsetting that it had to come to this. It started on the staircase with Chiara when I flinched. Now I have become worse, much worse. I jumped at the sound of a door slamming down the hall earlier on, I haven't been like this for a while. Just watching the video bought back so many horrible feelings I thought I had buried forever.

The conversation I had today hit me harder than I expected, I interpreted it differently. 

I realised that I am always the one trying to make everyone around me happy. I never allowed anyone to see me break down and cry, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I swallowed my emotions a long time ago, I hid them so much to the point that I didn't even feel human. 

I continued to shield others from harsh realities which ended up in me having to face them alone, I continued to care for others whilst I put on my brave façade. 

I put on makeup so they won't see my pain, I covered up so they couldn't see my scars. I didn't think that anyone would even make an effort to see past what I chose to show. I didn't know that the conversation would cause me to look at my life differently.

I was now aimlessly bouncing the sponge on my face as I stared at my reflection, I was staring at it for so long, I began to notice things I had never noticed before. Why was the bottom of my hair lighter than the top? Why was one eye slightly more upturned than the other? Why has the scar under my left eyebrow not healed yet? Many questions like this came to mind, yet I didn't know how to answer any of them. 

It is so weird. 

Why are the questions about yourself the hardest to decipher? After all, they say that you know yourself better than anyone. But do I really know myself, or do I only know what I am capable of?

I stood up from the seat in front of the bathroom mirror and walked back into my bedroom, I had to abruptly stop when I noticed little shiny things scattered all over my carpet. I saw the trail coming from a larger pile which was at the bottom of the wall next to the balcony door. Ah the candle. 

I carefully dodged the dangerously small shards of glass and manoeuvred my way around the sofa, I stood over the broken candle and looked at it's remains. I picked up the largest piece which still had the label in tact. 

'Drift away' It was called. Hmm, fitting.

 I put down the glass and worked on cleaning up the wax which had luckily not stained the carpet. I threw the pieces into the bin which I had dragged over. After I had picked up the wax, I thought it would be a good idea to clean up the glass, but before I could even grab some of the shards, my door opened. I looked to see Armani entering, he looked over to my bed and saw nothing, he then walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the door. I raised my eyebrow at him, had he still not seen me? 

In all fairness, I was kneeling down behind the sofa. When no one answered, he entered the bathroom and walked out 5 seconds after looking worried. I stood up and got his attention.

'What are you doing behind there?' I sensed a bit of relief in his voice when he saw that I was fine.

'Clearing this up.' I said kneeling back down. He walked around the sofa and saw the glass everywhere, his eyes widened as he remembered the situation with Dante.