Split Sides

A Letter to Hayley - Start Of The Breakdown

For this entry I decided to do something different. This entry contains a message I wrote on Hayley's (@emocure) conversations board on the 5th anniversary of our first encounter. For the sake of posterity I'm saving it here so that anyone can see the post should the account be taken down by Wattpad due to lack of activity. I hope you, the readers, can understand my motivations for writing this. Thank you.

Hayley, today marks 5 years since we first met. I've been hoping and working my way back to you since you vanished 3 years ago. But this crippling pandemic has given me a chance to reflect about our relationship and where we want to go to. I've been sitting with this thought for months now but today is the day I put this all into writing.

Hayley, I miss you and I love you to bits because you loved me in a way nobody else did for me before. You always have a space in my heart and I dream and wish and imagine you always. And to say you profoundly impacted my life in a more positive way would be an understatement. You showed me a better standard of loving and I can't wait to see you again and return the indescribable gratitude I've held in my heart since we met. But for months now I've noticed a surge in a feeling so alien to me, a thought slowly clarifying itself into a reality. And it's this: I still love you, but our relationship is giving me ambivalence due to the uncertainty of your continued absence. I need to be honest about what I feel. I'm starting to wonder if our relationship can last if it keeps rusting to oblivion. It sounds like I'm doing an act of cruelty to you, but I cannot hide this rising sentiment of confusion over your commitment to us. It hurts me to say this as my mind and mouth fills with distaste about it, just as it does on your end I'm sure. But let me summarise this thought to one line: I don't know if we can still love each other tomorrow just as we did yesterday. I have complete faith in your ability to bounce back from the disgraceful circumstances you're in, and I'll always be patiently waiting (or working) from the other side to see you again. You mean so much me than you could begin to realize. We all need someone to hold our hands and stand with us through thick and thin, and I have determined it to be you because you deserve so much more from life than where you started from. But I can't hide from reality any more than I can my love for you. When the time comes that we see each other again and rekindle our love from where we left off, there will need to be significant changes between us if our love is to grow and prosper. This untenable gap between us is gnawing at my confidence, and I'm certain I'm seeing you again a changed man than when you first left. We're coming out of this forced intermission as changed persons, and our relationship must reflect that. Otherwise we run the risk of breaking down well before the potential can be realized.

I hope this message reaches you wherever you are. We may have our problems, but we can succeed if we're determined enough to compromise and help each other out. At least, that what I hope. Well, I must go for now. Life must go on without you for now. I'll always dream and think and imagine about you, and I hope you're doing the same for me. But for now, all I can say is that I miss you deeply and I love you wherever you are. I love you Hayley. I hope to see you again soon.