Split Sides

Manifesto #2

Today is the 11th of May. My birthday. I'm supposed to be out there celebrating but I'm not. There's nothing to celebrate about. No gifts, no cake, no grand soiree to look forward to, nothing. This is the first time I've deliberately ignored something I've looked forward to all my life.

I'm sorry friends, but I'm in no mood to celebrate. For this day marks the day I am legally an adult, and it hits me like a ball to the face. I'm not a child anymore. I'm no longer an adolescent (or a teenager). I am now a fully-grown adult. I'm now in charge of my life, and I must be accountable for any choices I make from this point on.

But this is where I get caught. I'm a complete mess. I've seen my peers, with their fantastic partners and their great jobs and their wonderful parties and the exotic holidays, the works. Me? What have I got? What do I have to show for after 20 years of being here? Nothing. Nada. No job, no degree, no future prospects, nothing. I still live with my mother, I threw in the towel after two months of in-work training, and I don't know where I'm heading. I'm yet to figure out what I want to do.

Shit, what is wrong with me? Why the hell can't I hold it together? What is it about me that keeps me stuck on the ground while everyone else is flying up and away? Would someone please tell me this?

I'm so lost. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't have a plan. And I don't know what tomorrow has in store for me. I am literally going nowhere fast.

Cock, I think I'm losing my fucking mind.

If you're out there, please help me. Just please help me. I don't know where else to go.