Split Sides

A Letter to Hayley - Polarized From Within

I am deeply, horribly, polarised with myself right now. On one side, I have this idealistic side of me that still loves Hayley, still believes in her, and still strives to find her and see her again. Not just because she loves me but because of the promise we made to each other. But I'm two months into my third year without her, and soon I'll start my fourth with hilariously little to show for my search for her. This has been bogging me down since August 2018 and this fruitless search is wearing me down in body, mind, and soul.

On the other side, I have this realistic side of me that knows that she broke my heart when she vanished after that fateful Friday, is still trying to come to terms with it, and is stubbornly but hopelessly clinging on to a scintillating romance made redundant by the inexorable progress of reality. And now I find myself contemplating if I should move on without her and find someone new to share love and enjoy life with. It riddles me with guilt and shame to know that I will hurt her by doing this, but I also know that she went back on her oath to never let go and leave me, and she did it on that fateful day in August 2018, and I have never been the same since then.

Those two diametrically opposed sides have been wrestling each other since that day and so far the idealistic side has had the upper hand. But this gruelling, overwhelming pandemic has brought into stark relief my choices and my priorities, and it took this debilitating pestilence to focus my mind on the essentials of life. I need love, hope, and opportunity, and I need them to be tangible ideas to be achieved and not simply lofty ideas to be dreamed of. Because the old ways just can't cut it anymore, and this is the new normal I must make the most of, like it or not.

However, there are still some values and qualities and standards I must hold on to, for they are what drives and inspires and motivates me; and just as they helped me get here, so I must use them to get me to that life I always promised myself. For I am 25 years of age at the moment, and I still want to grow and learn and experiment and experience the beauty and wonder of life, and be the man I want to be, because I have my whole life ahead of me. Now I understand this elusive truth that has evaded me for the longest time: Life is far too short to waste a single drop of it being bitter and morose about moments and choices that were never meant to be.

I'll make my choice soon. I must have the courage to bite the bullet and make the tough decisions. And I shall accept the consequences of whatever fate that comes after. I will be brave enough, strong enough, and honest enough to commit to this with all my heart, mind and soul. But most of all, I shall never look back in regret. And if I do fail, then let me fail knowing I did the best I could to make it work. This is Zack, and goodnight.