Split Sides

Lover, Please Stay.

To all the people I loved and to those I hope to love someday,

It's 2:12 in the morning, and I never thought I'd have the courage to write this note in the midst of the searing solitude in the silent shift. It took me so long to get my notions to become words because for the longest time I never knew how to describe the emotions that ripple inside me. These complex issues have lasted throughout the years and have only started manifesting themselves after I started experiencing the cycles of love and the relationships required to learn about them. As mortifying as the feelings are, it feels illuminating to finally see them as they are and to put them into tangible words.

It has always been a mystery to me why people (and eventually lovers and partners) are transient throughout the arc of my life. Or to put it in a more descriptive fashion, it saddens me that the people I grow to love and entrust my heart to never seem to last. I meet great people, I start to warm up to them, and sometimes I fall in love with them, but it seems to be a recurring theme for a nagging feeling to lurk in my brain that says, "It's only a matter of time before they leave". And true enough, in a space of months or years they eventually drift away, and I'm left with a flickering candle in the dark. All the effort I make, the time I invest, the optimism and hope that works inside me; it all goes to the wayside as the people I love turn out to be a fugacious presence in my life. It wears me down, this hurtful fact.

Regardless of this, I'm certain there will be people who will take an interest in me, who will be understandable or sympathetic to my plight. They can be friends, or they might elevate it to a romantic relationship with me. I keep an open mind and an open door to such people, which is why I now address you directly.

I assume there will come a time when you'll come across this account and see my works and find yourself reading this chapter. Most likely you're here because you've met me, either online or in real life, and you want to know me better, understand the traits that define me. Perhaps even take the risk to decide you want a relationship with me.

In which case this could be your golden chance to turn things around, to turn me into a partner worthy of your love and time and attention and affection, someone you can have beside you as your best friend, loyal supporter, worthwhile lover, honest ally, a shoulder to lean on, or a hand to hold. Someone whose eyes you can look deep into, and someone whose character you can study and observe, and decide that this man is worth trying for, worth all the love and passion and determination you can dare to summon. Hopefully even be someone you're not afraid to go through trials and tribulations with, maybe even grow old together with.

But if you have read all this and still decided to go through with the nigh-impossible task of loving me, you must be aware of the risks and challenges. I'm not an easy man to be with, let alone live with. I've spent more time on my own company than with anyone else, and that's not an easy habit to change. My romantic ideas and customs hail from books, which is why I'm out of my element in relationship matters. All my romantic experiences have been limited to one-way crushes and nothing else. And those were mainly during my high school and college days. As you can gather by now, in terms of love I am a mere amateur.

I have never been on a date before, much less gone to bed with someone. I struggle to relate to women, and there are times when I can be clueless in dealing with you. I have mood swings and I'm prone to being hopelessly stubborn even if you know I'm dead wrong on something. My habits and likes border on the esoteric and there will be times when you'll have a hard time understanding them, let alone love them as much as I do. And there are times when I just can't find the will to leave my bed and be productive and useful. But the biggest obstacle to loving me is the fact that sometimes my insecurities could end up being too much for you, and I fear you'll go the way of everyone else who has come across me, that in the end you'll do as they did and cut and run, leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself, as usual. I know it's wrong to judge the performance and reliability of a long-term relationship in comparison to the previous ones, but experience is all I can lean back on and I'm deeply scared that my less-than-impressive past might decide my future. All these things trouble me to no end.

If all the things I've told you so far have not frightened you yet, or if you have read them all and made the choice to love me and be with me come heaven or hell, just know that you'll be loving someone who will make you an integral part of his world and his plans. For I am a man who has built the walls around his heart so damn high that you have to either be incredibly brave or incredibly crazy to scale them. Believe me, I will push to make you the centerpiece of my life and I'll always hold you up to the public like a rare gemstone to show how proud and happy I am to have you walking hand in hand alongside me. You will know me more than anyone else has ever known me, and I will love you with such intensity and longevity that only comes from realising love in its purest potential. When you meet someone who has never known anything beyond feeding from the scraps and crumbs of love, he will go from sea to shining sea to make someone like you deserving and contented of his love. And if you're lucky, you might be the recipient of that pent-up flood of romance after years of emotional aloofness, and it's all for you and you alone.

So if you decide to love me, then show me that you have what it takes to be with me. Prove to me that you're ready and willing to overcome anything for my love. Because I am tired of always going through intermittent relationships, and one day I might decide to pull the plug on love for good. I sincerely hope you come along and choose to love me and be loved by me before then.

Dear lover, please stay.