I love you but I hate you badboy

Lost and alone

I don't know how long it's been since I've just sat here looking into the stars . all I know is that I feel numb and its 2 in the morning. I don't think none of them have noticed that I have left. "What have I become?" I asked myself. "Where are you little bro? Come back I miss you.. I need you. I'm sorry that this happened because of me." I cried. It all started when I was in fresh men year. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but when I got home my parents would leave me with my bro ( Jason, just like my bestfriend jason ) he was 2 1/2 years old by then and I would always go and take the car and leave with Jason. and one day we took my childhood bestfriend with me which she was always my cousin/God sister and her name was Andrea. I was driving and she was telling me about how her boyfriend cheated on her with her friend and now her friend was knocked up by him and she was bawling her eyes out. She said "Bella promise me you won't get attached to someone unless you know for sure their the one" my mind instantly went to Alec. I still remembered him. "I promise" I said I was mad and I was driving hella fast. She told me to calm down and Jason was in the backseat car giggling. "How the hell could he??! What the fuck is fucking wrong with him!!?? I'm going to fucking kill him!!!!!" I screamed. And I wasn't looking at the road and the next thing I knew the car was being smashed and the first thing that popped into my head was if Jason's gonna be okay and last thing I heard before I blacked out was Jason and Andrea screaming. I woke up after and I was still in the car next to me was Andrea and I kept shaking her to wake up and she never did. I quickly went to Jason and he just had a cut on his forehead and I was bloody as well. He was crying and then it hit me. I killed her. I killed my only person that I could tell anything too. I killed her. She was the only person. That I could tell everything too ever since Nevaeh and Mercedes moved. The ambulance came and they took her away I grabbed Jason and my parents came. They grabbed Jason first and they didn't ask if I was okay. My dad just looked at me and I couldn't even look at them. That moment I knew I didn't deserve to live or be here in this world. That moment was when everything came crashing down and all I wanted to do was die. The same day my parents said that they were sending Jason to our Country and they didnt know when they would bring him back. I pleaded them to not but they did it anyways. That night he left I knew it was my fault too and I felt the need to punish myself for it. I grabbed a blade and slit through my wrist and I felt relieved and I did it again and again and again until my wrists were bloody and filled with cuts. That night was when I started cutting again. That night was when I fully broke. I didn't sleep for weeks and weeks. I thought I was getting better after a year but I knew I wasn't. I miss her. I miss him. I lost 2 people that night and those were 2 people that I loved. And I don't feel like I could love anyone else. I love my friends and honestly I'm scared of losing them. That was what happened and my life after that was horrible, it was filled with bullying,cyber bullying,harassment,abused by other people mentally and physically and sometimes my mom would mentally Abuse me as well. I didn't know what to do so I just cut and felt relieved. Every night I cried and sometimes I still do. But I have to be okay one day. I was really dizzy and I heard my phone ringing. ABIGAIL was the name flashing I sent it to voice mail then it said CHASE wow surprising right there. Then NEVAEH calling and text messages with Mercedes name flashing as well. Then an unknown number started calling. I saw it was 2:50am. I decided to turn off my phone and I got up and started walking or at least tried. I probably looked like A mess or a hobo but I didn't care. I finally came to a road and I noticed the school was like 6 blocks away so I kept walking and walking Until I reached it. I walked in and went to my dorm and I didn't care who saw me. I reached my dorm and I layed down on my bed and I thought to myself I've lost myself and I'm alone but I'm gonna be okay one day and I fell asleep.

( kinda depressing and short chapter )