dirty little secrets → rc

49: why can't you love me?

I turned to Rafe and kissed his lips before he stood up from the bed per my father's request. "I'll be right outside" he whispered before placing a chaste kiss on my forehead and following Dr. Martin out of the room. 

I stared at the space where Rafe was just standing as I heard my father clear his throat and his footsteps move across the room. 

From the corner of my eye, I saw him sit down on the armchair beside my bed. "Willow I-" he started before stopping a second after "I deeply apologize for assuming this was your fault. I realize that now and I'm sorry for the false accusations" he spoke as if our conversation was a business meeting.

I forced myself to look away from his intimidating stare and instead focused my attention on Rafe's ring which was comfortably wrapped around my finger. Whilist I appreciated his apology it simply couldn't change the past, but I was satisfied he recognized I didn't do this to myself. 

"Thanks" I replied without taking my glance off my bed. I anxiously played with my fingers as the room was filled with awkward silence. My father moved closer to me sitting on the end of the hospital bed.

"Your mother and I did believe sending you to boarding school was the right decision for you at the time"

"Let me get this straight" I cleared my throat trying my very hardest not to let any tears spill from my eyes, "You thought sending me alone across the country was best for me? Not like getting me help? putting me in therapy?" I scoffed.

"Willow-"

"No Robert let me speak for once" I said growing angry as I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, "I needed you! I needed you, someone, anyone! But I was alone in a school and had to fend for myself!"

"I woke up in a hospital bed and was shipped off without my friends, my family, and no one to look out for me!"

"I had to do everything whilst dealing with my fucking grief! While trying to accept that my parents didn't give a shit about me" I sobbed feeling dispair and anger crash down on me. I poured my heart out to the father who'd never really given a shit about me until the numbness hit. 

"....Why can't you love me" I choked out before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down. 

"Of course, I love you Willow don't be ridiculous," He said softly after silently watching my meltdown.

"You don't love me like a father should" I felt my heart break into two. 

"You are my little girl...you will always be my little girl. I love you beyond words and I'm sorry if my actions have proved otherwise"

"I grew up from nothing and I've worked hard to get this family where it is today and I'll be the first to admit there have been times where I haven't paid you and Spencer enough attention"

"But you love Spencer...but you don't love me".

"Despite your doubt, I do love you. I now wish I'd shown you that more because knowing you feel like this is breaking my heart, Willow. You know kid, I never grew up with a father I've never known how to be open and honest about my feelings and emotions."

"You are my little girl and seeing you grow up before my own eyes has admittedly been hard, harder than I ever imagined. I still think of you as the little girl who would draw paintings of horses or who would pick flowers from the garden and give them to me. I didn't know how to treat you as an adult, I thought distancing myself would be better than failing you as a parent" 

I saw tears in his own eyes while I was openly letting the tears stream down my face with my body racking with each sob that escaped. 

"I'm still your little girl...I needed you last year" I struggled to get the words out.