Before I say Goodbye

A letter

Fading beauty

Where beauty becomes a criteria then love "- swan rosavet

This is my diary, and I don't expect you all to understand but, there are some things I wanna shout or say rather than keeping underneath and being hurried under it.

I written this cause somethings are to hard to keep silent and suffer, some to precious to be spoken aloud.

A letter to my younger self, —

There comes a time in everybody's life when beauty fades. Only one self remains. I never had the opportunity to call someone my long time friend or companion.

From a small age I was eager to make friends but it was difficult. I was taught to be the proper way. The right and wrongs. My thoughts were different from others. The day I made my first friend I was so happy but later learn the truth that people should not be trusted easily. She did betrayed my trust and faith in friendship.

After that as I grew up I never had constant friends. Things changed. My duration of friends never lasted few months or years. They always come to an end sooner. No matter how much one promise or swear. After a vicious circle of the same things repeatedly happening all 25 years did teach me something.

Things are bound to end.

No matter how good something is. The tighter you hold on to something you love then more it slips away.

All thing's happening made me think the there might be a fault in me? Something I did wrong? Anything?! I questioned myself I cried . I judged myself also claimed myself wrong. But after falling down so much I knew... I did nothing wrong. I really did not. I love to much... I care too much. What I do is too much. Wear my heart in my sleeve so it gets broken and dirty often. But not any more. I finally learned to accept myself. Love what I am. Never settle for me when I can have what I desire. Yes things are difficult I know I am me. But I give up just yet.

I am finally okay. After denial, and self fooling and all I can see the mirror. If anyone leaves my life, then you weren't in to stay nor the one to hold on to what I am. Its okay. Ur not wrong but neither am I. I am truly unique cause I still can't find someone like me. Nor I want too. I happy I am the way I am. Even no I have no friends. Cause your beautiful. The fake will fade away.

There is no replica of a snow flake. Each one is unique. Just like god made it. So am I.

So I am at a point in my life when I am happy for myself, I am okay being alone, no friends or companions. Cz I rather be with true myself then a room full of fake friends. I will fall again and again but I will stand too.

Its okay.

I am saying it again and again. Maybe to convenes myself that it's okay if I am not but. I am finally not afraid to stand alone. It's sad and hurts but I can smile. I can hug the lonely night sky and stars. Talk to the moon. Cause I am finally okay accepting, it's okay being alone or you to leave me. I hold no grudges.

I big you adieu.

Cause I know my worth and it's worth fight for .