Chasing Redemption (Book 2 of Chasing Series)

Five | New leaf

Despite my best efforts, Xavier won't leave me alone.

He's parked himself on my couch for the night, even though I don't own any spare blankets yet. I don't have the strength to kick him out right now, though.

With a soft knock, he enters my bedroom. I crack open one eye, watching him approach the bed with a cup of steaming tea.

My stomach tightens at the familiarity of him. It's hard enough that he's Brax's brother, but the fact that they were twins makes it ten times worse.

"Morning," he grunts. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better," I croak. "Thanks. For bringing me stuff. Beckett shouldn't have asked."

He shrugs, placing the tea on the side table before crouching down beside the bed. "You look like shit," he grins. "No offence."

"No offence," I scoff. "That's so kind of you."

The smile slowly begins to fall from his face as he clears his throat, eyes wandering towards the wall behind me. "Did you wanna talk about him?"

I thought this conversation would come. I just didn't know it would be so soon.

"Not really," I whisper.

"Do you wanna talk about the last year at all?" he asks.

I shrug, rubbing a hand against my aching forehead. "What's there to tell? I went to a mental facility. Got some help. Cried every night about— never mind. You don't need to know everything."

"I want to," he says. "I want to know everything."

I meet his expression and find that he's watching me closely, like he's genuinely interested.

"I know you haven't always gotten along with me, but Brax cared about you. If you'd let us, we would have looked out for you after—"

"I didn't want that," I say suddenly. "I didn't want you to watch over me like I was breakable."

He sighs, raking a hand through his hair. "The funeral wasn't the best place to see you for the last time, you know."

"I couldn't keep seeing any of you. Especially— especially you."

"Especially me?"

I close my eyes, sighing as I roll over to face the ceiling. "You look so much like him."

There's a long pause. I'm too scared to look at him for some reason. Like I've shared a large part of myself with someone I hardly know now.

"I never thought about that," he says. "About how weird that must have been for you. Mum does call his name when she's talking to me sometimes. I just pretend it doesn't happen though."

I turn over again to face him. "How is she?"

He shrugs. "We're taking it day-by-day."

"Is she still..."

"Using? Yeah. That probably won't change."

His jaw ticks and I know that I shouldn't ask him any more questions about her right now. It's clearly a sensitive subject.

"How's Marco?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you asking because you want to know or because you think it's the polite thing to say?"

"Maybe both," I say, smiling softly. "I don't really like him all that much. But I am interested to know what he's doing now."

"He's doing alright. Same old same old."

"So still an idiot?"

"Still an idiot," he agrees. "Nothing's changed."

"Of course not," I mumble.

I pull myself up from the bed and Xavier passes me the cup of tea. I watch him closely as I take long sips to soothe my sore throat. He's acting so different. I don't know what's changed, whether it be the events of the past year or not, but this side of him is better than how he was.

"Sof told me she saw you."

"Yeah," I whisper. "I'm guessing she told you the reaction I had. Make sure she knows that it wasn't personal."

"She knows that now," he smiles. "I definitely think she wasn't so sure at first."

I groan softly, turning into the pillow. "Oh god. Please don't tell me she thought I vomited because I was disgusted to see her."

He laughs quietly. "Well..."

I can't look at him as I hide my embarrassment. No matter how much I had hoped that I could separate them from my life, I don't want them to think I hate them at all.

It isn't hate that coats my heart. It's pure pain and sadness. A feeling I want to stay as far from as possible.

"Tell her I'm sorry."

"You could just tell her yourself," he offers. "I'm sure she'd love to hang out."

"Yeah," I say, unconvincingly.

"She is dating Beckett after all now. So surely you'll be seeing more of her again."

I just nod, knowing exactly what is beginning to happen to me. This conversation alone has made me miss Sof. It's made me miss everything that I've lost.

I fist my hand under the duvet, trying not to let my mind begin to wonder. If I do, I know it'll only be a matter of time before I give in to the feeling of missing them.

"You're thinking about something," he observes. I stare at him, wondering when he became so aware of what other people felt.

"Isn't everyone always thinking about something?" I question.

He rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean, smartass."

"Speaking of being smart, though," he adds, "are you still working with Davina?"

"That's...undecided. It feels wrong. After everything."

"It wasn't like you did anything wrong."

I glare at him. "Is that a joke? I knew the truth and I lied about everything. A dead guy was framed for a murder he didn't commit."

Xavier nods. "It was either that or let a 14-year-old kid get taken away for something he didn't understand. Or Brax, who didn't do it at all."

It's a conversation I have with myself every day. Did I do the right thing? Did I ruin my chances of ever becoming a lawyer? Will the guilt eat away at me until nothing is left at all?

"It still wasn't right," I say. "I don't know if I can face her now, knowing what I know."

"Has she tried to call you?"

"All the time."

"Then there is your answer," he states, like it's the end of the discussion. "She clearly wants you back."

"She wouldn't if she knew the truth though, would she?"

He remains quiet for a moment and the answer is so clearly written within everything he doesn't say that I know he understands what I mean.

"You're being too harsh on yourself," he says. "Why not just see what she has to say first? Then you can decide later what you really want."

"When did you become so wise?" I smile.

He shrugs. "I've always been wise."

And as I begin to laugh, I realise that I haven't been focusing on how sick I feel. Until my stomach begins to churn and I vomit all over Xavier's shoes.

A great start to the day.