Chasing Redemption (Book 2 of Chasing Series)

nineteen | Cold nights

The wind howls around me outside. I pull the duvet closer to my chin, shivering from the cold. 

I usually hate sleeping in socks, but tonight I'm bundled up in three layers of t-shirts, two pairs of pyjama pants and even a beanie. 

It's nearing the end of winter, yet somehow, it feels like the coldest day out of the year. 

My phone blares another few texts from Maia and Lay. They are both concerned about my disappearing act and the fact I've been so distant from them recently. It hasn't been something I've tried to do on purpose, it's just happened.

They want to come and visit me, but I've told them countless times it's too dangerous. Even my boss, Cash, seems concerned for my welfare as he's been checking in daily since my last shift. 

The cold has kept me awake for hours. It's nearly one in the morning.

Xavier failed to mention the part where the only heating available comes from the open fire. There is no heating system, just a pile of fraying blankets. 

I've been bored all day. Once Xavier left, I felt useless. I had nothing to do except watch tv or read one of his mother's books from the shelf out in the lounge room.

Sof had messaged to tell me she'd visit tomorrow, so at least I'd have someone to see then. 

A crack of lightning lights up my window, casting shadows across my room before it darkens again. 

I hadn't been this scared since I was five, crawling into my mother's arms as she reassured me nothing was wrong.

I hear a booming clap of thunder and I wait patiently for the lightning to break through the window. It never comes.

I sigh in relief but when I hear a loud banging, I jump. When it sounds again, I realise it's not thunder again at all. Someone is pounding on the front door.

I almost think about hiding myself under the covers but the pounding continues. 

My phone begins to vibrate on the side table and I pick it up, squinting as the light hits my eyes. Xavier's caller ID fills my screen.

"Hello?" I croak. 

"Are you going to let me in or do I have to stand out in the rain for hours?" he shouts down the phone. 

My heart slows from relief. I rise from bed, kicking off the duvet as I run down the darkened hallway to the front door. 

I unlock the door with a click and Xavier stands before me, dark hair sticking to his face. 

"You look insane," he says to me, gritting his teeth. 

I pull off my beanie as he steps to the side. 

I shut the door tight behind me, watching him curiously as he kicks off his wet shoes before shaking out his hair. 

"I'll grab you a towel from the bathroom," I say.

When I return, I notice the goosebumps rising against his skin as he removes his jumper.

He takes a seat on the stool as he dries himself. I perch on the edge of the couch, wrapping my arms around myself.

"What are you doing back here at one in the morning?" I ask. 

"Forgot to mention we don't have a heater at the moment. I bought a portable one in the car but it's too wet to bring inside tonight."

"Oh. Thank you," I whisper. 

"Did you really come all the way back here? Why didn't you just get Sof to bring it with her tomorrow?"

He sighs, running the towel over his hair again. "I didn't—I didn't like how we left things."

"So you drove back in the middle of the night?"

"Yes, Rhea."

"That was dangerous. It's wet out there."

"I'm here, though."

"You can't guarantee those things, you know."

He drops the towel next to him; muscular arms ripple as he moves his hands through his hair. 

Thunder cracks again and I jump, placing a hand around my throat. "I'm gonna go back to bed. I'm pretty tired. Thanks for bringing the heater. Although, it could have waited until tomorrow."

Xavier nods, clearing his throat. "Were you really dressed like that for bed?"

"Yes," I smile, looking down at my clothes as I hold the beanie in my hand. 

"You look ridiculous."

"Well, it is cold, isn't it?" 

He huffs a laugh, shaking his head. 

"Goodnight, Xavier." 

"Night, detective." 

I make it to the room just as Xavier grabs my wrist, turning me towards him. "I'm sorry. For what I said to you."

"What? Fuck you? I'm sure you've heard that from me before," I say softly. 

"I still—it made me feel sick. When I was driving home, I started thinking about Casey. About—tomorrow."

Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the one-year anniversary of his death. 

"I didn't want to leave like that. He would have been so angry at me for talking to you that way, even if you were accusing me of murder. Honestly, it's fair enough. Our family haven't given you any reason to think otherwise."

He cups my cheek and I let him. Our eyes meet and I hold his stare.

"Why can't I let you go?" he whispers.

I hold my breath, waiting for him to say more. It's as though the cold has entirely left my body. Everything suddenly feels so warm. All I can focus on is his hand on my cheek; his thumb rubbing soft circles against my skin. 

"You can never be mine," he says, tortured. "It's so wrong."

I grab his wrist, stepping back at his hand drops from my cheek. "I really should get some sleep," I say. 

He nods, taking up the entire door frame. 

"It doesn't mean you can't sleep with me. Beside me," I add. "I could use some warmth."

"If you're sure." 

"I'm sure," I nod. "Only if you're okay with it." 

"I am."

"Okay."

"Okay."

I don't understand this. I don't understand how I could possibly start having feelings for Brax's brother. It's so wrong. It's all so wrong. 

This whole situation is a mess. 

Is it truly possible to be in love with someone when you have feelings for someone else? 

Am I beginning to be at peace with what has happened to Brax? Is liking Xavier meant to be a sign? 

He lays down beside me, instantly grabbing my hand. The warmth isn't enough for me, so I turn on my side, wrapping my arms around his torso. 

He kisses me on the forehead and suddenly, I can feel tears brimming in the corners of my eyes. 

I hold them in until I hear his breathing begin to even out and then I let myself cry softly for the love I lost and the new life that is beginning to form.