Marrying the professor

Chapter 30

"Losing him was like having a hole shot straight through me, a painful, constant reminder, an absence I could never fill." - Jojo Moyes, After You.

Choices were made.

Hearts got broken.

Years passed.

I wish I could tell you that a kind of a miracle happened and the two lovers never parted. Alas, fate had other plans as always, they were brought together by it unannounced. Then, the time of goodbye also announced its arrival too early.

She.

She made a choice to save her true love, the man to whom her heart belongs. It didn't occur to her how life will be after him. How dull her soul felt with his absence. How hard it became to wake up every day with the aching realization that stabs her every moment that he no longer laid beside her.

She spent months wondering if he is doing well. Does he sleep well? Eat well? Is he in a good health? Those thoughts kept her awake for so many nights, haunting her with bad endings to the unstoppable scenarios. She felt it in her guts, that uneasy feeling that something isn't right.

Did something unfortunate happen to him? Maybe death. And by the thought of death, her heart nearly stopped every single time the callous idea of death passed by in her crowded mind.

Regret sank deep into her chest, she lied to him when she had to. She said things to sound convincing, and she swear that she heard both of their hearts breaking at the ringing of her words.

'Let's end this deal. I will send you the money that you paid for my father's debt. This whole thing wasn't meant to happen. So it should end here before things get complicated.'

She didn't know how she found the courage to utter those words and to mask her face with a blank expression when her heart leaped in pain. Her eyes fogged with tears threatening to roll down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes fluttered recalling Felix's warnings.

'Don't try to act smart, love. Any suspicious move from you will send him to his death.'

She had to leave or else he will be gone forever, for Felix is a real monster that killed too many people. He won't hesitate to kill her lover. He fears nothing.

The pain of letting go still haunts her even after three years. Three years of longing for his voice, his touch, his kisses, his warm soul, and his loving gaze.

She tried to move on since it was a reasonable option. An option that will bring relief in most cases but not for Elena. She clinged to every memory that reminded her of him. She indeed loved him even more than herself. And it pained her to the core that she hadn't been able to tell him that.

It wasn't just her confession that she desperately wanted to tell him. For when she left she didn't leave alone, she took a part of him with her. And when she found the courage to write him the promised letter that was inked with words that might change everything, the letter never arrived at its address.

He.

He made a choice as well. He found his true love, the woman of his dreams. But he is sick and he will be gone soon. So, he let her go.

He barely found his voice and masked it with blankness when he uttered words that cut him deep, stealing away his ability to breathe. He meant to say those words a long time ago when he started to feel things for her but he never got the guts to voice them.

When she stood in front of him with a blank expression on her face and said that everything they shared should end here before things get complicated. He searched in her eyes for the truth and he found none.

As much as he wanted to ask her why? He didn't. Instead, he agreed with her when he didn't want to. He felt his chest tighten in pain, seeing her departure from his apartment for the last time. His words hanging in the air.

'Right. This whole deal was my ridiculous idea. You owe me nothing, Elena. And there is nothing to pay me. Just move on and carry on your life where it stopped. This whole thing meant nothing to me.'

He lied and wounded her with his words. She was everything to him. She was the light to his darkness. But he couldn't bring himself to let her stay when he doesn't know if he will wake up the next morning. How come he does that to her when he knows the unbearable grief of death.

He saw her everywhere and in everything. In the mention of her favorite author. In Stephen King's books whenever he passes a bookstore. At the sight of instant noodles in the grocery. In his shirts that she wore. And whenever it rained he lose himself.

He fought death many times in the hope of seeing her one last time. He had to have surgery for his brain tumor, and he remembers the panic that possessed him when the doctors told him that he might suffer from memory loss.

He was horrified that he might wake up with no trace of her in his memory. The instant he opened his eyes her name was the first thing he said, he longed to see her face regarding him with that warm smile of hers. He found nothing but the sad eyes of his best friend.

He learned to bury the sorrow in his chest and fight the urge to look out for her. To find her. To get her in his arms and never let her go because life without her is dull and unbearable.

They.

They both lied to each other. None of them justified the truth behind their words.

Three years have passed. They are not the same people that they used to be. Things changed but fate doesn't leave anything for coincidence. Even if they thought that their epilogue has been written at their separation as the last chapter of their story, the story is not done yet. At least not there.