Eager Wings (Destiel)

Chapter 23

Since none of them was actually hungry after the delicious pie, Dean decided to go to bed, hopeful to catch up on some sleep. Charlie and Sam sat down with coffee, and Cas muttered something about angel business, thanked Charlie for their time together and left.

"I have the feeling there's more you wanna tell me," Sam said after a few minutes of silence, to which Charlie nodded.

"Yea, it's about Cas... and Dean" she said. "Cas told me something when you were away, but I think I'm missing out on something. Something that you might know."

"Well," Sam replied. "I think you should start."

Charlie nodded again. "So," she started. "He told me he couldn't give Dean back his memory because he needed to prove himself. He said Dean would only try to protect him more if he knew their past, and how Dean needed to see Cas as 'just a friend'. I have absolutely no idea why but I didn't ask further."

"Ah, I see," Sam said. "Well, there's actually this part of the story you miss, which happened in Heaven. While Dean and I were fighting Metatron, we heard Cas. He was talking to himself, but it wasn't him talking, you see?

It was his voice, but it sounded like someone had imprinted it in Cas' mind and Cas was constantly repeating it. I think it was Metatron's way to torture him.

It sounded horrible, what Cas was saying. I can't get it out of my mind, but I also don't want to ask him to remove it. I think this is just something I need to remember, it gives me the strength to go on." Sam swallowed.

"What he was saying...

'I am worth nothing without my Grace.

All what's happening right now is my fault.

I am a failure and I deserve to be punished.'" He quoted. "That's all we got to hear, but it was enough."

"So if I get this right... Metatron has been telling Cas that he's a worthless creature without his Grace, and that he needs to be punished..."

"... Which he does by not having himself let Dean love him," Sam added. "And that's why he has cleared Dean's memory. He wants to punish himself without hurting Dean. Even when something like that has crept into his mind, he won't hurt his family."

"Well, I can say many things, but that Metatron just seems like an asshole. I hope the other angels are more like Cas," Charlie said. She was suddenly glad she didn't go with Sam and Dean to heaven.

"Some are, most of them aren't, sadly. Gabriel is a really nice guy, though. You should meet him sometimes, but I don't know if he's busy. The other angels are really just 'dicks', as Dean always described them."

It was silent for another minute.

"How is heaven?" Charlie finally asked. She had wanted to know what it was like since forever. "I have actually no idea how all those places look, I've never been to any."

"Be glad," Sam sighed. "It's weird, actually. Me and Dean both have been to hell, to purgatory, and now also to heaven. But heaven is... white. And bright. It's what you would expect from heaven, but it's also not what you would expect from heaven.

We only have seen the part with the cells though, so I can't say much. It was very empty; there was nothing but bright white light and cells. Nothing else. Although, Dean and I have been in heaven before, but that was in fact our own memories."

"I don't think I want to go to heaven unless I die. Do you think I'd go to heaven when I die?"

Sam smiled. "I'm sure you'll go to heaven, you haven't done anything to deserve a place in hell, and purgatory is only for the monsters. However, I think Crowley would like you, but let's just hope you meet him in other circumstances than the usual."