Rewrite the Stars

Chapter 18: A Second Chance

"All I'm asking for
Is a chance to prove myself"
______________________________________

Hareem:
I woke up by the blaring sound of my alarm. Opening my eyes I switched it off and laid back down on the bed. I can't believe it's seven in the morning already. To me it looks like I just slept ten minutes before. Last night was tough for me. I spent the night in the ocean of my depressing thoughts. Trying to put two and two together to understand what went wrong. What went so brutally wrong that I couldn't do anything to pacify it? Everything was fine or was was it just a facade? Was I really loved or was that just my illusion? Was it only my safe heaven to hide from the cruel and bitter reality. Was it only me trying to really find the problem? Or did I fail to try enough? All these questions with possibly no answer had consumed my mind last night, thus messing with my brain which caused me not to sleep till midnight. I tried to forget it all for once, but it strikes back harder every time. Every time I think that I'm finally over it, life throws me in the exact same position. I always end up at the same point I start my journey from. No matter how much I try there's always be me trying to fight with the problems of life and getting my way through them. I just wish that someday I'll be able to cope up with all this deep mess that has clogged my soul, heart and mind so much that I can't think of anything, but to drown in this ocean of destructive mess. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to finally let go of problems. Maybe someday.

After my little session of self encouragement ended, I finally decided to head towards the washroom to get ready in time for my job. Following my normal routine I got ready in a maximum of half an hour. Going downstairs I heard Mama in the kitchen. I was getting a bit late today and I was thankful that Mama has prepared the breakfast otherwise I'll be late by ten to twenty minutes. I entered the kitchen and greeted her
"Assalamualaikum Mama". She greeted back and smiled at me. I started to take out the cups and pour tea into it. Mama set the table and we began eating. While I was eating she asked me
"Are you okay?". I looked at her confusingly and asked her instead
"Yeah. Why would you ask that?" She sighed and closed her eyes. I held her hand and said
"What happened? Is there a problem?" She shook her head and held my hand tighter.
"Hareem I saw you crying last night, beta. Why do you blame yourself?" At her question I grew stiff and withdraw my hand back. I hate to talk about this matter. I don't like to have a conversation on this topic. I drew a deep breath and said
"I'm fine Mama. There's nothing to worry about". She held my hand and said
"Hareem beta jo bhi huwa usme tumhari galti nahi thi, meri jaan"
(Hareem whatever happened was not your fault)
Meri Jaan: My love
I closed my eyes and held my cup of tea tighter. I know she is worried about me. I know she checks upon me in the middle of the night because she knows that I sometime drown too much deep that it gets harder for me to reach the shore. Harder to breath. I sighed yet again and assured her
"I'm fine Mama. I really am. Please don't worry about me". She tsked and said to me
"How can I not? You have closed yourself off people. You are always quiet now. You are forcing a smile everyday on your face just to keep me in an illusion that you are fine when you are not". A lone tear escaped my eyes at her statement because no matter how much I chose to deny she is right. She is always right. She knows me better than I know myself. I can't fool her not now and neither ever. She will eventually find out one way or another. She's my mother who carried me in her womb for nine months. She's the one who taught me how to talk, how to eat, how to play, how to do everything and it kills me to know that she gets so worried about me. I wiped the tear that left my eye and try to smile at her. She shook her head and stood up from her seat and rounded my chair to wrap her arms around me. I don't know what got into me, but I cried. I cried for everything. I cried for the events that occured to me. I cried for worrying my mother when I should be the one reducing her worries. I cried for myself, but more that that I cried for the fact that I'm still not over it. I still blame myself. I cried and cried and she just held me secured in her arms letting me pent out whatever emotions I was feeling. I cried in her safe warm embrace.