Rewrite the Stars

Chapter 19: Circumstances

"And circumstances leads us to our destinations"
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Hareem:
You know sometimes you feel like you have done something right, but still you felt like you're at wrong. Like your one decision will cause troubles and hindrances in some of your other relationships. Like you are losing one while rejecting the other. Like everything will end in ruins. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I felt like this. I don't like this feeling at all. I don't know how to understand my emotions at all. I don't know what to feel to be honest. Just when Bazil talked to me about his liking towards me I declined him. I know I did the right thing, but I know that he will tell his sister too. Or maybe not I don't know. But whatever it is I know she'll eventually found out. I'm actually worried for her reaction. Will she be angry with me for rejecting her brother's proposal? Will she stop talking to me? Will she break our friendship? All these thoughts were depressing and were messing with my brain. I sighed and decided to talk to my mother. I know that she'll for sure help me with this. Getting up from the bed I went to my mother's room. I lightly knocked and entered inside. She was reading the Quran and I quietly sat down beside her just listening to the recitation. The verses calmed me down. The Quran is the best solution for all problems. It can heal your soul. It can heal your wounds without even touching them and yet touched them so deeply that it works magic on your wounds. I pulled my knees up to my chest and placed my head on it just listening to the beautiful recitation that was calming me down and was making it easier for me to wrap my head around the conversation I want to have with my mother. Once she was finished she kissed the Quran and put it back into its place. Coming towards me she blew some verses over my head and sat down beside me. I placed my head on her lap and she gently ran her hands in my hairs. I sighed and snuggled closer to get her warmth. I heard her softly ask
"What's wrong meri jaan?" She asked. Her soft voice broke something inside me and I broke into silent cries. She wrapped her hands around my quivering form and hugged me close. My silent cries turned into light sobs and she asked me again
"Hareem what happened? Did someone say anything to you?" I shook my head and said
"I have...to tell...you something". I managed to utter between my cries. She nodded her head and said to me
"Stop crying and calm down". I straightened up in a sitting position and pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head over it yet again. This position has become my safe place. I feel like I'm in a safe caccoon while sitting in this position like a bird in its nest. I quietly stated to her
"Mama you know my friend Tara. Her brother told me that he likes me". She  listened to me carefully and nodded after sometime. I stated after a while
"Mama, I declined his proposal. I don't want to marry". She hugged me close and I started crying again. I don't know why emotions are at bay. I just felt like crying over and over again. Everything just makes me sad and makes me want to cry rivers. She gently patted my back and said
"It's alright beta. You did nothing wrong". I shook my head and pulled away from her. She held my hand and told to me
"Hareem you did nothing wrong. It's okay if you don't want to marry him. It's alright". I wiped my tears and said
"Mama will Tara be angry with me that I rejected her brother or break his heart?" She shook her head and said
"She won't be. She'll understand you. She's your friend". Her reassurance somehow put me to rest. I don't know if Tara knows about this little incident or not, but I certainly don't want her to unfriend me. She's the best friend I never had. She provided so much support to me while I was new to the job. In just some months she became an important person of my life and I don't want her to be sad. I just wish she understands me.  Deciding that I shouldn't stress too much and just let the things takes it course, I closed my eyes and laid down back on her lap. She kissed my forehead and said
"Take rest for a while".

I woke up after I don't know how much hours. I glanced up at the clock and it was half past seven. I can't believe I slept that long. Maybe this was the much needed sleep I have to get to take out the stress. I decided to go out the room for some change. I don't want to stay locked up in bed. I wrapped my hairs in a low bun and get out of the room. I was feeling a lot better now. My mind was at rest and maybe I'll be courageous enough to explain my reasons to Tara if she asks me. Going towards the kitchen Mama was making preparations for dinner. She looked at me and asked
"You slept well?" I nodded my head and started to help her. I like it. I like the time I spend with my mother. I like how everything is just the same way as it was four years before, just me and her. Obviously, everything has changed a lot in these four years, nothing is the same yet nothing changed between us. She never once blamed me for anything that happened. She believed me when I needed her the most to believe me. She comforted me when I was drowning in my misery. I just don't know how to ever pay her back. Of course, she thinks that she had to do because I'm her daughter, but no many mothers are there out in the society who blames their own daughters for not tolerating enough of her husband. They always blame the girl for being too judgemental towards her husband and jumping up to divorce, but my case was different altogether. I was in a situation where I found it hard to justify myself. I thought everyone will judge me, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. My whole family stood up with me. They all were at my back, by my side through everything we went through. I owe them a huge part of gratitude. They believed me when that person didn't and that makes me loves my family more and more each and every day. They are the only reason that I came back to life. Although it still hurts me somewhere in my heart when I look at girls my age having their best times with their significant others. No matter how much stronger I get, marriage is something every girl dreams off, but I'm so happy with the decision I made for not begging that person to not divorce me. I was not at wrong there. It was a misunderstanding and if only he would have listened to me calmly things won't have gotten to this stage. I heard some of my relatives say that I should remarry, but what's the point when one small misunderstanding can damage the whole marriage in a second. I refuse to remarry because I'm happy the way I am. Maybe I'm being a little judgemental towards the male generation, but my trust has been broken, if not on marriage but certainly on men. People should stop nagging at me to get married again.  Maybe some people are not supposed to get their other halves. Maybe they are just good on their own. Maybe they don't need a spouse.
But if only I know how wrong I really was! Allah has planned each and everything for us and that too for our own good.