MELANCHOLY [S.T. B. Hargrove]

4

I lay down flat on the bed, my head below the pillow. I curl sideways so I can rest my head on Billy's shoulder as we stare at the ceiling.

"You ditched me," he blames.

"Got roped into work," I lie with ease. "Brats are now trick or treating at stores.. it's bullshit."

"Was a boring party, anyway. Hawkins doesn't know how to throw a party to save their lives."

I rest my hands on my stomach and twiddle my thumbs.

"B," I call.

"Hmm?" Billy hums.

"I should head back to Cali."

Billy turns hos head and I could feel his stare on the top of my head. "What?"

"All my shit is there. I can't keep ducking and dodging Neil."

"Roc, you just got here.."

"I've been gere for weeks already."

Billy huffs. "Yeah but.. shit. You go back to Cali, it's gonna be hella dangerous."

"I've been with the gang since I was fourteen. I can't turn my back on them now."

"I know you feel like you have some kind of debt you owe them, but-"

"Javie took me in after my asshole dad got deported for beating the shit out of my mom and she bailed," I remind. "I do owe them. And Javie.. God.. Javie's dead."

"What is there to really return to?" Billy wonders.

My silence answers his question with ease.

"I know Hawkins is shitty. My dad is an asshole and his wife and her kid are preppy bitches, but-"

"Don't call 'em 'bitches', dude."

"What?"

"New rule. No calling a chick a bitch unless I do it first."

"Seriosuly?"

"Max is just a kid, man. If we shit talk her, then we're no better than our piece of shit dads."

Billy sighs and looks back to the ceiling.

"I don't want to be a burden. I got a job so I mean.. I can stick around, I guess. But, I can't keep staying here- Neil is gonna find out eventually."

"Roc.."

I turn my head to look up at him. He doesn't look at me, though.

"I'm sick of this place," he admits.

I frown. I hadn't seen this side of Billy in awhile.

"I'm sorry he's putting you through this," I say, reaching to find his hand on the mattress between our bodies.

"Where would you go if you left? Bot here.. not Cali."

California was dangerous. The gang violence was out of control. Hell, I was still worried they'd try and hunt me down if they figured out I was still alive.

"Minnesota," I decide.

Billy snorts a laugh. "Seriously? What's there?"

"Nothing," I muse. "That's why I'd go there. Plus it has like super harsh winters. I've never seen the snow. That'd be rad."

"You remember when we tried making a snowman out of sand at the beach?"

I couldn't help but higgle at the memory. I cover my mouth with my hand to avoid anyone outside the safe bedroom hearing.

"The son of a bitch kept getting washed away by the waves. The water was raising so we gad to keep moving," I recall.

"My mom made those God awful sandwiches for the picnic. You fed yours to seagulls when she wasn't looking," Billy adds on.

A silence grows over us. I curl a bit closer to Billy and squeeze his hand.

"Do you miss her?" I ask- gentle and cautious.

"She just packed up and left. I tried asking where she was going.. tried to tell her to wait for me.. But she just." Billy's free hand raises just to plop back on the bed. "She just left. It's like she disappeared."

I draw a few circles on Billy's hand with my thumb.

"I don't know who to be more angry at. Him for chasing her away or her for not taking me with her," he admits.

I think about Max's words. How Billy would break her things. His hatred for Lucas. Then, I think about how endangering the group of boys earlier when trick or treating.

"B, you have every right to be angry. But.. there are good ways to express that anger and bad ways."

"Is this about Max again?"

I pause. "No.. what do you mean?"

Billy frowns and shakes his head. "Nothing."

I knew Billy too well for him to try and shut down like that. He knew he was taking his anger out on Max because there was no one else.

I wasn't sure if I should be proud of him for being aware or.. upset that he was aware of his actions and still doing them.

"When you find a place to shack up.. you think I could stay over?"

He redirected the conversation from him and Max. I let it slide this time.

"You can crash at my place wherever it is. Even if it's a box on the side of the road," I assure.

"Just a little longer until graduation," he whispers. "Then, I'll actually be able to live."

I turn onto my side and curl myself around Billy's arm. That's how we fell asleep for the night.