MELANCHOLY [S.T. B. Hargrove]

24

I wipe sweat from my forehead then lean my arm on the car door, my head in my hands.

Billy was smoking a cigarette in the driver seat. We were silent.

Did that actually just happen? Was it another one of my dreams I told Nancy about?

Billy's hand comes into my field of vision, offering me the cigarette.

"I quit," I inform.

"Serious?"

"Had a job at summer camp. Wasn't allowed to smoke on the job, so I quit."

Billy puts the stick back between his lips and I tap my foot on the floorboard.

I look out the window. The sun was starting to come up- a haze over the pool parking lot.

God, I needed a shower.

A blush creeps up my neck at the thought of why I needed a shower so badly. I put my hand over my mouth and look out the window.

"Why summer camp?" Billy asks.

Why was it suddenly so hard to talk to Billy?

"Worked to get some credits so I can finish school."

I rub my swollen lips together and glance at him. "Gonna enroll in tenth this coming up semester."

"How'd you get away with that?"

"Steve's parents helped me get the forms all situated. I just had to work some side jobs and-"

"Steve Harrington?" he cuts me off.

Shit.

"Yeah," I answer.

"You're.. what? Dating Steve?"

I scoff. "If I was dating Steve, I wouldn't let you fuck me in the backseat of your c-"

"Then, what? You're buddies with him or some shit?"

I throw my hands up. "So what if I am?"

"Harrington? Of all people in Hawkins- hell out of all the people in the world, you're buddies with Steve fucking Harrington?"

"I'm so sorry I needed a place to live after someone kicked me out!" I snap.

Billy leans forward, his eyebrows raised. "Live?"

"Goddammit," I huff to myself.

"You're living with Steve Harrington?"

I turn in my seat to face Billy in full. "Yes. I am. That make you happy?"

"No!" he shouts. "No, it doesn't make me fucking happy!"

"I didn't have anywhere else to go, Billy! What did you think I'd do? Go back to California? Maybe crawl back begging for you to take me back in and hide from Neil?'

"You keep blaming him like he's the only problem."

"It's not like he's our favorite person and we're far from being his. I needed somewhere to stay and Steve's parents were nice enough to let me shack up with them. And then, Mr. Harrington helped me get my school shit on the roll so I can get my life straight for the first time."

Billy hits his hand on the steering wheel.

"God, you're making it out to be some big deal like I betrayed you or something-"

"You did!"

I groan and slump in my seat.

I wanted to say that he betrayed me first. But, that would be a lie. I lied to Billy first. I stood him up. I left him in the dark.

This was a mistake.

I curse to myself and push the door open.

"Where are you going?" Billy sighs.

"Home," I state and slam his car door.

I step to my car and pull the door open.

"That's it, then?" he asks, standing out of his car. "'I dipped for a year because I was living with Harrington, let's fuck, bye'?"

"How about this?" I offer, leaning on my open car door. "Stop being an insecure fucking child about who I'm friends with, grow up, and fuck you!"

"Roc-"

I get into my car and slam the door. Before Billy could do or say anything, I dash out of the parking lot.

--

"If you make weird noises, I'm coming for your asses!" I shout to Mike and Eleven as they run by- holding hands.

"Gross!" Mike calls down the stairs.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" I order.

Eleven uses her powers to shut Mike's bedroom door. I laugh at the teens and rest on the couch.

"How come Michael can have a girlfriend but I can't have a friend-boy?" Holly questions.

I look down at her. We were watching TV, sitting on the couch together.

"Because Michael is a boy and boys have it easier than us," I answer.

"How many boyfriends do you have?"

I throw my head back and laugh. "None."

"Are they not fun? Michael seems to have fun with El."

"Boyfreinds aren't easy. They stress you out. They confuse you."

"Confuse?" she repeats.

"Make you ask a lot of questions," I simplify.

She shakes her head and lets out a big sigh. "I already have a lots-o question. No boyfriend. No friend-boy."

I pat Holly's head. "Good girl. Keep that thought for a long time, all right?"

Holly nods her head in agreement and lays down with her head in my lap.

I play with the young girl's hair to put her to sleep

I rest my elbow on the couch's armrest and bite at my fingernails. 

Billy and I's argument plays out in front of me like I was rewatching it on TV instead of the kids' show that was actually playing.

I wasn't girlfriend material. Far from wife material. I wanted Billy to be happy. Find a wife. Settle down. After all he's been through, he at least deserves that. He deserves the things I could never bring myself to give anyone.