"We agreed. If I won, you'd marry me someday."
"Why'd you wanna marry me, anyhow?" I ask.
"So, I can do this for the rest of our lives," he stops walking with me in his arms, his radiant blue-green eyes flickering between my eyes and lips as the ons...
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I should've gone after her.
I should've followed her.
I should've moved my goddamn feet and went after the woman I love but I froze. I watched her walk out of my life for a second time and I knew I only had myself to blame.
Once the initial shock wore off, I was swarmed with immeasurable guilt.
I just fucking stood there, paralyzed to my core with buzzing ears and a hammering heart. I could feel my balls being sucked right back up into my abdomen.
I was ball-less.
Our exchange left me stunned, vulnerable. I've never felt so broken, incompetent, and worthless like I did in that moment. I felt powerless.
I didn't care that a bar full of people knew how horrible I had been to my wife when we were at our weakest. I didn't care about the gossip which would ensue. All I cared about was the hurt in her eyes when my gaze connected with hers. All I cared about was the absolute betrayal and resignation which splayed across her face. I still do.
It still haunts me to this day. Every time I close my eyes, it's all I see.
It's burned in my retinas.
I can't expel the betrayed look from my memory.
Days after the incident mama stopped by to check on me. We got into a heated conversation about the events which unfolded and why. Mama took it upon herself to educate and inform me of how warped my thinking was.
I regretted not giving Lana the chance to explain before I reacted and made a terrible mistake. One I can't take back. A mistake which can never be undone.
She really wasn't getting back with that tool. She ended her engagement just like she said she would. He kissed her and I assumed the worst.
Now here I stand in my backyard on thanksgiving. Alone. Unable to fathom the depth of the loss I feel. It's cold. Dark. Lonely. Worse than anything I've felt before. It's as though I'll never see the beauty of light again.
The guilt and the regret are smothering, suffocating. I'm trapped under water with cinder blocks chained around my waist. No matter how hard I fight to free myself, I can't.
I close my eyes, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets, and take a deep breath of chilly air into my lungs.
After Lana professed her love, I believed thanksgiving would be different this year.
All I wanted was to play a silly game of thumb war with my best friend and slow dance with the girl of my dreams.
I wanted to kiss her tenderly and hold her close.
I wanted to listen to her snide remarks about me letting her win almost every match we played of thumb war but in reality, she's a boffin at it. She's the better player. Always has been.
