Pretending to be Married (destiel)

Chapter 14

I'm back
Enjoy

Cas,
I honestly don't know where to begin with this one.
I've wrote you so many before, but like this one you'll never see it. You'll never see how much you actually mean to me.
This is hard for me to admit. Even on paper, because I just don't deserve it. I just don't deserve you. I never have and yet you've stayed with me, me and Sam that is.
You probably don't feel the same, you're an angel, can you? But god, Cas I think I love you.
Not in the brotherly way that Sam sees you but, I don't know. Every time you appear and you stay and you talk to me and pay me attention,I feel this warmth spreading through me.
I sound like a teenager in love.
Compared to your age, I basically am.
I was so worried when we came on this trip that I'd fuck up, that I'd tell you how I felt in a moment of weakness. So many times I have been so close.
Cas I want to hug you, to hold your hand, wake up next to you, make you smile, be with you. But I can't.
I don't deserve that.
And you don't deserve the shit that I have, thrust on your shoulders.
I've hurt you more than you have ever deserved. I made you choose between your family and me, I'm so so sorry.
How could I have done that to you.
Its so selfish and I hate myself for it everyday. You could still be up there, with your family.
Where you belong and where you deserve to be.
But your eyes, you smile, your hands.
I didn't want to lose you. I never do.
You are beautiful and kind and you have given so much to so many.
Sure you've done some bad things, but you can't live this life and not.
You have protected me from day one and there is no one that I am more grateful to because I have always, always been the one who looks after everyone else, no one ever doing that for me. And then you came along.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Castiel, I love you.
Unlike the way I've loved anyone else.
Last night, I almost kissed you, I wanted so bad to kiss you. And maybe more. Definitely more.
Cas I want you, I need you.
But I can't.
You're an angel, you're a good person and you deserve so much better than anything I am.
And I'm sorry I let my feelings get in the way. I'm sorry that I go out of my way to get you to be near you. And I'm sorry for all the danger you have had to face because of me.
I can't find enough words to say, to help you understand but I need to try.
I love you Cas and I'm sorry.
I love you and because of that I won't ever tell you.
I'm sorry you got saddled with me.
I love you. And I am so grateful to you.
I love you and I hate that Ive done that to you.
i love you.

All of a sudden Dean's insides decided to visit Dean's mouth and he ran up the stairs to the bathroom, just making it as things came pouring out.

He'd gotten ridden of all his pent up emotions and now he was getting rid of his stomach lining.

He ran and left the letter on the table.

Downstairs Cas walked back through the door, excited to tell Dean about some of the activities he wanted to sign them up for.

When he couldn't see Dean in the living room he decided to head up stairs to see if he was up there. Just as he reached the third step he realised he hasn't checked to kitchen.

He sighed at himself before turning around and heading towards their kitchen. He's probably in here and you almost missed him and then would've paniced he moaned at himself.

He bobbed his head around the corner to see the room empty apart from a piece of paper littered with some doodles and a hell of a lot of writing. Cas knew he shouldn't but he walked over and picked it up.

As he was reading it he realised something, he had found Dean in there. Not the Dean he was looking for, but the Dean he had never seen and the Dean he had always wanted.