Pretending to be Married (destiel)

Chapter 17

After a long walk Cas made it back to his and Dean's lodge.

He'd been deep in thought, totally unsure on what to do so allowed his feet to wander as his mind did. Time, as it had before, slipped past Castiel unnoticed.

Everything that was wrote in the letter was spinnning through his mind. He tried to catch hold of the pieces, to lay them out, to make sense of things but it was all just out of his reach, sliding through his fingers.

Reading that letter had been a betrayal of Dean's trust. How could he have done that to Dean?

But how could he have known?

Dean will be upset. Castiel will have upset Dean.

Sure they fight like cat and dog, constant bickering from the minute one of them enters the room, but they never get personal. This is personal.

This is all the thoughts and feelings that Dean shoves deep down and the last person he'd ever want to read what he had wrote down was Cas.

What does he do? Does he pretend he hadn't read it? That he had seen it on the table but needed to rush off to check their appointment time before he even picked it up? Is that even believable? Maybe if he didn't bring it up Dean wouldn't, or maybe Dean would expect him to ask about it and had hyped himself for it? What if he just came out and asked about it?

If he asked about it Dean could pretend he wrote it whilst drunk as a prank but never followed through. Then Cas could laugh it off with him and then offer to make tea. And when the last dregs in their cups emptied so would any need to ever bring up that conversation again.

Cas had watched humanity long enough to know things never worked out as they were expecting them to.

God always knew what he had mapped out for the planet but for the angels, it had always been a guessing game. Throwing God's script away had just made things even more confusing.

When things had happened before the angels knew there was a reason, God had decided upon it, but now was different. When things happened now, it was anyone's guess as to whether or not that had a reason or if it had just happened.

The feelings Dean and Cas have for each other, how close they became, their bickering and their loving, was that God's plan?

Was it God's plan for Castiel to fall for humanity? The surety that there was a reason had evaporated when the Winchesters fought for each other. And although Cas was grateful of what they did, of free will, he missed the being able to rely on the script.

He found himself, rather too soon on the porch of their cabin.

He was stood facing the door unable to open it. What ever was to come would surely meet him as he opened that door.

Little did Castiel know that Dean was stood directly opposite him, not quite able to reach out to the handle to open the door.

It had been hours since Dean had last seen Cas and he was starting to worry. He had planned to go out and look for the angel but the thought of seeing Cas after he had read letter was scary. Dean had been to hell and back and yet seeing Castiel who now knew what crap went through Dean's head was all the much worse.

They stood opposite each other without knowing, both worried as to what the other might say. Neither had any experience with this sort of thing. Cas didn't have this problem with angels and Dean had never been in town long enough. 

Neither Cas nor Dean wanted to open that door in case what they found was nothing. No emotion portrayed on Castiel's face, no acknowledgement on Dean's.

Cas thought about walking back down the stairs and just flying off but he didn't want to. Dean could slip out the back, get in the Impala and go, but he didn't want to.

They were at a cross roads. All they had to do was swallow their pride and open the door, but Cas is Cas and Dean is Dean. Neither are known for swallowing pride or talking about feelings.

It was Dean who made the first move. Whether or not he wanted to talk to  Cas about the letter he needed to find him, he wanted to bring him home regardless of what will happen afterwards. he took a deep breath, shook his head and stepped forward to grab the handle. He twisted the handle and pulled open the door. There he was. Dean breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Castiel's back. thank god. 

At the silent prayer Cas turned around. He couldn't quite look up at Dean and Dean looked down, worried about what Cas would say next. The silence filled the years of seconds that past. "You know with me being the closest angel, I can hear your prayer?" Dean gave a quite chuckle at the words. " You'd have thought I'd got that by now" He replied. Then the conversation was over again. "Cas-""Dean-" They both started then stopped, allowing the other to go first.

Dean looked up at Cas and Cas glanced up to meet his gaze.

"Where do we go from here?"