Tragedy

Tragedy:15:

*Justin*
9:46 AM

Waking up was always the hardest part, and contrary to what you might think, it wasn't because of a hangover.

It was always my mind trying to play back the next day- trying to put each piece of the night in its place.

'What did I say to her?' Or 'What did I do to her?'

Today it was 'How badly did I make her cry? Is she talking to me?'

Actually...I was asking myself every question in the book this morning.

And as I opened my eyes, Bella wasn't beside me - so maybe she wasn't talking to me.

I pushed myself out of bed, throwing on a pair of sweatpants before heading down the stairs.

"Bella?" My voice surprised me. It was hoarse, a little groggy.

She wasn't in the living room or the kitchen, but there was a mug of coffee halfway gone on the counter, and when I put my hand to it, it was warm.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I walked over to the glass doors to look outside, and there she was...walking out along the water on the beach.

Gosh, that was a beautiful thing to be looking at.

But as beautiful as that was, it was always my cue that I had fucked up. It was starting to become a pattern.

I pulled the sliding glass door open, shutting it behind me after stepping outside and shoved my hands in my pockets.

I didn't even know what to say this time. I don't think there is...I don't want to say anything I can't keep anymore...I am so tired of hurting her. I can't even imagine what it's like for her...she has to deal with all of it - me.

"I thought I heard you." Bella said, keeping her eyes out on the water.

"You did indeed, buttercup." I rested my hands on her shoulders, sliding them down to her arms. "When did you wake up?"

"A half hour ago or so maybe? I don't really remember. I just had one of those mornings where I woke up and I knew I wasn't falling back asleep, so I made some coffee...and came out here."

"Well...we did kind of fall asleep early."

"You did. I was up for a while." She whispered, her body tensing underneath me.

"Look," I sighed. "I am sorry. I know that's not good enough - and I know you're tired of hearing it. That's all I have for you. We just have a few days left and then I'm off to rehab."

"I know, Justin. I know." The tension left, and she leaned into me, her back against my chest. "It's not...I know it's not you. I know it's hard. It just sucks that I can't help...but yeah, rehab is soon."

"Just think about it though," I said into her hair, sliding my hands to her waist. "After I land in Seattle and get started, when you come to visit, I'm going to be clean. I'm really excited for that day. I'm going to make you proud of me."

That's all I wanted. For her and my family to be proud of me.

"I am proud of you..." She whispered, spinning to face me.

"For what?" I scoffed. "Being in a gang? Killing some people? Being an alcoholic?"

"Stop it...no." She shook her head, hooking her arms around my neck and ran her fingers through the back of my hair. "Those things don't define who you are. Don't hang onto the negative. You're...You've become such an amazing man. I'm proud of your heart. You work hard everyday, and I know you do that with me in mind. You go out of your way to make me happy. I am proud of you, and the man that you've become. Ever since we've been together...you've been trying to better yourself. That's enough for me."