Tragedy

Tragedy:40:

*Bella*
Monday
January 15th
(Day 13)

"What brings you here today?"

My therapists name was Leah. She was probably only a few years older than me, but she was so cute.

"A lot." I mumbled, playing with the sleeves of Justin's sweatshirt. "I don't really know where to start."

"Well, how about what's on your mind right now?"

"My fiancee." I started, my body deflating as I rubbed my belly. "He's in a rehabilitation facility right now in Seattle. I really miss him...and we've been talking on the phone...he's an alcoholic...and he sounds great. I'm trying not to overthink it...but it's like he's great without me, you know? I've tried to get him to talk to me about his friends...what he's going through...and I'm here all by myself and pregnant - and scared to death about Manny. I have a body guard that's practically with me all the time."

"Manny? Why are you scared of Manny?"

"It's Manny Gonzalez." I sighed, looking away from her. "Justin, my fiancee, used to be in a gang - Manny's gang. We met while he was still in it...and he left after we had been together for a few months, or tried to. I was kidnapped when I went to Justin's house after I found out my brother had jumped him in high school...and the bombing at NYU...that was intended to kill me. Justin came and found me in the building...he saved me life. We've been through so much together...but Manny's out of jail now, and his daughter showed up at our doorstep to warn us..he knew where we were...he knows I'm pregnant...and now Justin is in another state, and Manny is out there...and I"m here alone..."

"You don't feel safe."

"Never." I shook my head, our gaze meeting again. "I did with him, but once he relapsed...I definitely freaked out more. I told him I didn't feel safe, and he feels like a failure..that everything I've been through - that we've been through...he thinks it's his fault. He has for our entire relationship - that he can't protect me."

"And what do you think?"

"He's the only person that I've ever felt safe with. He's saved my life twice. He's always been...so sweet and loving, and he's going to be great dad...I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm anxious all the time, and I'm upset - sad. I've always been sensitive, and I know I'm hormonal, but it can't be like this. I'm crying all the time, and I can't...I can't eat that much. I'm hurting my baby, and I started this meal plan, but even then it's hard. I haven't even told him yet."

"Does he know you're this upset?"

"No...not really. I don't want to tell him while he's trying to work on himself. I don't need to add another thing to his plate with all he has going on in there. I can't. It's not about me right now. It's about him. He needs to get better."

"So do you though...you've clearly been through a lot, and you haven't dealt with it properly. Have you ever talked to him about any of this?"

"Sometimes." I shrugged, looking down at my hands in my lap. "It's hard to. I've felt like a burden with it all recently. I mean...it's so hard for him to talk about this stuff because of his past. He still has a hard time opening up, and I understand why...I just can't be open with him if he's not going to reciprocate. It's hard for me too. I don't think he gets that, and after the things he's said to me while he's been drunk...I just don't know if I can be that...vulnerable with him anymore."

"What do you mean? What did he say?"

"Well...one night, he was really drunk and we were fighting. I'm really sensitive, I know that, but he's never complained about it before...until he asked me if I was going to cry...that we could just throw a pity party for Bella. I know he was drunk, and he'd never say anything like that to me sober, but it hasn't left my mind since he said it. He's always told me he hates it when I cry...I just never imagined it was like that, you know? He really doesn't like it. We've talked everyday since he's been able to call me, but we haven't really talked about the things that happened before he left. We touched base about it the first night...maybe. It's hard. I don't know what I can and can't say with him, I can't tell him how afraid I am here without him, because then I just sound selfish. How could I beg him to go to rehab and get help only to wish him back here? That's not fair."