Catching Feelings

Chapter Seventeen: The Cure To A Broken Heart

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Chapter Seventeen: The Cure To A Broken Heart

I'm not entirely sure how long I sat on the floor. All I know is that I was there long enough to hear Derek's car drive away, which is what broke my heart over and over again, and that the step a few feet from the door was digging into my back painfully.

I sit on the floor long enough to realize five things:

1) Both my legs were completely numb.

2) It started to rain again, the raindrops falling in sync with my tears.

3) I had makeup all over my face and sleeve from rubbing them while crying and my hair was a complete disaster for how many times I ran my fingers through it in frustration.

4) If someone saw me right now, they'd probably say I looked like a pathetic, cliché teenager that just got her heartbroken-which I did, but whatever.

5) Someone walking away from you hurts so much more when it's the person you're in love with.

It was like I was falling in a free fall expecting Derek to catch me but instead I got hit with this massive balloon from his past and he walked away from me with it lying limply in his palms.

I reluctantly get up from the floor several minutes later and the first thing I do is numbly head straight into my bathroom. I wipe my face of all makeup and stare at my reflection in the mirror through bloodshot and tear stained eyes, the blue of my pupils standing out more than ever.

I pull my blonde hair out of my face and up into a messy bun and then walk into my closet and change into a pair of tights and a heavy long-sleeve sweatshirt, suddenly unable to stop shivering.

There are three things I will not allow myself to do, for the sake of my sanity.

I will not get a tub of ice cream from the freezer and eat my way through my heartbreak, because it doesn't actually work.

I will not crawl into my bed and try to disconnect myself from the world by staying there every day for the rest of my life, because it will do absolutely nothing but waste my time.    

And I will not cry.

I hate crying because it makes me weak, and I don't like myself when I'm weak, although ironically, Derek was the only person I allowed to see me that way.

I try to shake off my thoughts of Derek and make a stupid but quick decision.

I grab my big brown purse, stuffing my phone and my keys into it, and then shove my feet into an old pair of my black converse.

I pad down the stairs, and write a note to my grandparents, telling them that I'll be out late and not to wait up for me, then stick it on the fridge- where I know they'll see it and walk out the front door.

I jump in my car and try not to cry again as I back out of my driveway and down the road, realizing that this is the first in a long time that I've felt so venerable and shattered.

It takes me about twenty minutes to get to Adela's library. I spent most of the drive sitting in an uncomfortable silence, trying to keep away from thinking about how much I've screwed up and avoiding sad songs on the radio (which were basically on every channel so I eventually just turned it off)

The sky is clear despite the rain and it seems to be weighing down the trees, like it's too heavy for them to carry it.

I park my car on the side of the road and jog to the middle of the field, letting the rain pelt down on me roughly.