Colorful | Phan | Completed

96%

His room was the same as I remembered.

I had hidden under his bed in hide and seek way too many times. There was still a hole in his wall from when he threw a game controller after I beat him at Mortal Kombat. Things I had gotten him for birthdays and other holidays were scattered around his room. His bed was unmade, dirty clothes in a laundry basket sat untouched.

"Peej..." I shook my head, closing the door behind me. It felt unreal, a horrible joke. As if PJ were just going to burst in his room with a camera and scream at the top of his lungs how he fooled me.

There was a journal on his dresser that I picked up and scanned through. At least 30 pages were written on before the rest were blank. He'd never get to fill them in.

I looked at the page of the date when Phil and I started seeing each other.

Why did I ever like Dan? I thought he would understand. I didn't want pity, no. I wanted him. But he just seems like such an asshole sometimes. He may be the hero in Phil's story, but he's breaking me apart in mine.

I closed my eyes. Not PJ. Anyone but PJ. The rest of the entries were about me and Phil, and how upset he was that I chose Phil over him.

Phil still talks about colors like they're his best friend. And Dan acknowledges them like he understands. He doesn't understand Phil, everybody can tell it's not just me. I think it was wrong of me to ask Ian not to hang out with Dan anymore cause now he won't talk to me.

I read the one from prom night.

Phil cheated on Dan. How could he? And Dan is still with him. I don't understand why Dan is infatuated with somebody that doesn't give a damn about him. Chris Kendall came up to me and kissed me. He was drunk, but I enjoyed it. Hopefully he'll remember me when he's sober.

I flipped to the last entry.

If I could take it all back to the day I made the bet with Dan, I would. Phil Lester is too innocent to be with someone like Dan. And when I asked him out, what the hell was I thinking? That Dan would be jealous and want to date me? I stuck myself in a terrible position that I was with someone I didn't want to be with. I wish Dan were still my friend. Almost everyday I turn to tell him something and he's not there. I miss having a best friend. I miss having friends. Chris wants to go to Louise's party, and I think I'll go with him. Maybe something good will come out of tonight.

Something good didn't come of last night. I set the journal back down on the dresser and took out my phone.

"Dan?"

"Phil?"

"What's wrong? Are you crying?"

"Phil, PJ died."

Silence.

"Phil?"

"Oh my God. I feel like such an asshole."

"I know."

"You're joking. Oh my God, you're joking!"

"No."

"What happened?"

"He was in a car accident, drunk driving."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Dan."

"Yeah."

"When's his funeral, we'll have to go?"

"I don't know."

"Come home so we can be upset together. You can tell me stories about him."

"Okay."