To: Spider-Dweeb (P. Parker x Reader)

✆ 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚢'𝚜 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 ✆

✆ ᏟᎪᏞᏞ ✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
╚ Bold- flash   ╝

What do you want?

Rude!
No hello or how are you doing?
I thought we were friends

We're not
I hardly know who you are

I literally sit across from you in English, dipshit

Ok, now that's rude

Sometimes the truth hurts
Back on track

Fine

So I discovered your little infatuation with Spider-Man
And by infatuation, I mean your YouTube channel and blog dedicated to him

I don't know what you're talking about

Then do you have a secret identical twin that goes by the same name as you and shares the exact same experiences?

No...

That's what I thought
What if I told you I personally know Spider-Man and am willing to let you in on a few secrets?

I would say I'm intrigued but then you could be lying

Do you want these Spider-Man tidbits or not? I'll take my offer away quicker than Pietro Maximoff could run

You know he's dead, right?

Your point?
Do you want them?
Yes or no?

Sure, why the hell not

Goodie!
Ok, so our pal Spidey is the secret love child of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers

You're lying

I am not if this birth certificate I possess holds any truth, and trust me, it does

How is that even possible, though?

Ancient space Viking gods exist and colorful glowy rocks control central aspects about the universe, and you're asking me how Stark and Rogers had a kid?
That's low even for you, Eugene

It's Flash

Your birth certificate says otherwise!
Fact numero dos, Spider-Man had sex with a giant mutated cyborg spider from the future, thus giving him spider powers

That's even more absurd

Just like that hairstyle of yours

I'll have you know it's done by one of the top barbers in the city

That doesn't excuse the fact that the top of your head looks like a dead possum

Have you ever seen a possum before?

Yes, and it looks like your hair
You can't win this, Eugene

Just call me Flash!

Not until you give me a reason to respect you
Lastly, for now at least, our pal Spidey-Boy has like a peppermint intolerance just like a spider