Pepper never meant to lose her best friend. Lucas never meant to fall in love.
Yet the aftermath of broken hearts leads them to blur the lines of their friendship forever. When Pepper is dumped by her boyfriend and Lucas is led on by his crush, they...
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I NEVER KNEW HOW WONDERFUL it felt to breathe until I embarked on a boy-free adventure with my friends. Nearly two weeks of freedom where I didn't have to endure unwanted kisses, touches, or surrendering my body to something I didn't want.
Physical contact remains a nauseating experience whether it be platonic or loving. I try not pull away from family and friends. I know they're not Lucas. I know they won't treat me like Lucas did. Still, it's like my body is hard-wired to believe they will.
Emotions are...not the same either. They're diluted. It's like they've been trapped in a bottomless well and it's been raining nonstop for months, drowning and soaking up my thoughts and feelings. When people talk, I don't quite hear them, like there's a film over my lenses, and have to remind myself to listen and react in enough time to seem okay; otherwise, I'll receive strange and worrisome looks.
I hate getting those.
I remind myself that people love me and care about me and that I should talk to them. I don't. Still, it's nice to remember whenever my thoughts go too far.
The other day while standing in the shower, I looked down at my body in disgust. I'm not sure where the anger and hatred for my own skin came from, but I was tempted to...do things I never fathomed before to punish myself. Tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing. I wanted to punish my body. Why? I try to remember what happened the night of the dance, when these changes started, but that's been a blur. Between the time I rejected Mason to the time I left Lucas' house, I can't remember anything.
We argued, ended our friendship, and I went home. Nothing else happened.
So why do I feel so repulsed by my body? Why do I want to shed free of my skin? Why does the idea of someone touching me sicken and terrify me? I wasn't like this before. Why am I now?
I push those thoughts aside. They're not important.
Talk like Pepper. React like Pepper. Be Pepper. I've been reminding myself of this lately. When I act like myself, people are more comfortable and less worried. Their smiles don't falter and eyes don't sadden. So, I've been practicing. Trying to stay alert and remember bits and pieces of my personality. I've gotten really good, I think, at acting like myself.
Over the past two weeks, I've embraced the luxury of convincing my friends that my taste in entertainment is impeccable. Time was spent debating who's taste in fashion is more unique; Amber with her casual vintage tastes or me with my obsession with bright colors and rosegold aesthetics. Lena scolded me and Martsia about slacking off on our homework, and she tutored us for an hour then Amber would pretend to tutor us for another. Martsia has been eating consistently. Lena thinks she's getting better. We can only hope it stays that way. Elliot complained about us kidnapping his best friend, and we told him to find a new one because Amber now belonged to us.
It was fun. Cathartic. The best two weeks I've had in months.
I haven't talked to my parents about Lucas. Though I did tell them that he wouldn't be around anymore. They think he's the reason I decided to be homeschooled for two weeks. I actually can't remember what Amber told our principle and advisor. Something about my mental and emotional state? I kind of zoned out when she started talking, then to make matters embarrassing, I had an emotional breakdown out of nowhere. After that, they agreed to let me stay home until finals as long as I kept up with my lessons and homework.
