If You Are Anything Like Me

14: Crashing Down and Free Falling

#IYAALM14: Crashing Down and Free Falling

✿ ♥ ✿

❝If you are anything like me,
Felt like the whole world crumbled down on your feet,
Everything suddenly took you by a storm,
And everything was just free falling
Darling...
Keep going,
Because even falling star still shines, and storms can be weathered.❞

✿ ♥ ✿

I didn't know what to feel, or even think of how should I feel. It was like all the paintings that I have been taking care of and delicately adding the details, became all ruined and black, because the canvas suddenly fell. I couldn't save it, I just watched it fall. My tears kept cascading silently, the only way to comfort my broken heart.

I knew the picture was not from before. It was recent. Gano'n 'yung buhok at hitsura ni Killian ngayon eh, gano'n din ang ayos ni Carol. Para akong batang umiiyak at napayakap sa sariling tuhod, kagat-kagat ang sariling mga labi para maiwasan maging malakas ang hikbi.

Ano bang ginawa ko? Bakit ganito kasakit? Akala ko naayos na namin 'yung gulo sa pag-itan naming tatlo? Bakit nila ginawa sa akin 'to?

Halos mabaliw ako kaiisip kung bakit, kung totoo ba 'yung nakita ko. I checked my phone again, the picture was deleted. I thought it would comfort me, I thought it would make me think that it was some sort of imagination, because of stress. But it broke me more. Parang itinago eh, parang gago lang.

Siguro lasing lang sila? Siguro hindi naman sinasadya? Siguro mali lang 'yung nakita ko? I should ask for an explanation, right? I should wait for Killian to tell me about it. I shouldn't just jump to all my conclusions. It was bad. It would ruin everything. I should clear my mind. I should believe Killian. There would be something about this. Hindi dapat ako basta-basta magpairal ng pagiging emosyonal. Dapat maayos namin 'to. Ayoko na masira lang kami dahil dito.

I fell asleep thinking all of those, wanting to comfort myself, wanting to fool myself. When I woke up, G and I were just both drained from our problems. Ni hindi kami nag-usap at nagtanguan lang. We pretended everything was fine when our group met, and waved our farewells. G quietly drove me to our house. We just kept turn sighing and preventing our tears. Bineso ko lang s'ya ng makarating sa bahay at umalis na rin s'ya kaagad.

"Kamusta? Pasalubong?" excited na sabi ni Leona nang salubungin ako sa bahay. Pagod akong ngumiti sa kanya at ibinigay ang isang bag. I went directly to my room. Natulala lang ako sa kisame no'n. I was uneasy, my mind was clouded. I was tired.

Tumulo na naman ang mga luha ko sa mata habang bumabalik sa alaala ko 'yun. That was cheating, right? Kahit anong eksplanasyon. Fuck. Why did it become this hard? Why was it turning out this way? I stared at my ring. Hinaplos ko 'yun. "Para sa akin ka ba talaga?" I whispred with all the pain in my heart.

While thinking of it, my phone rang. Nanghihina akong napaupo sa kama at kinuha 'yun. I heaved a sigh. I saw Killian's name. I breathed in and out. Practiced to make my voice cheerful. I expected he would tell and clear about those things. He assured me, right? He told me he'd be honest with me.

"Hi!" I answered.

"Zia!" he greeted from the other line. He sounded calm, but a little excited. Napakagat ako sa loob ng pisngi ko.  "How's your Friday? Did you have fun?" tanong n'ya, pakiramdam ko nakangiti s'ya ngayon. Habang ako, nadudurog ang puso.

"Yeah. Okay lang. Ikaw?" I was hoping he would be the one to bring it up. I was hoping for his honesty. Kasi hindi ko yata kakayaning tanungin. Baka magsinungaling s'ya, gumawa ng kwento. Hindi ko alam ang paniniwalaan ko. Para akong masisiraan ng bait. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Hindi pa nakakalipas ang ilang araw no'ng nakaraang away namin, dadagdag na naman 'to.