If You Are Anything Like Me

15: Another Mistake, Another Heartbreak

#IYAALM15: Another Mistake, Another Heartbreak

✿ ♥ ✿

❝ If you are anything like me
Slowly losing everything you were desperately holding on to,
Darling, please ask yourself,
If it's better to let go, or if it's better to hold on,
Choose your decisions carefully,
Because it can lead to a mistake and heartbreak,
But it can also lead you to peace and healing.❞

✿ ♥ ✿

WHEN I broke the news about Javier to my parents, Mama almost had a heart attack. Kaya imbis na dumiretso kay Javier, si Mama muna ang pinatingnan namin sa doktor. I tried to be strong. Hindi ako umiyak sa kanila. Nang medyo naging okay si Mama, dumiretso kami sa kapatid. Leona was there taking care of him. Sachi, wanted to stay, and take care of him, too. But I talked to her. I didn't want her to fail her semester.

I told her to focus, and take notes, and do her best. Then help Javier once he becomes okay. Sachi agreed to that. I also consoled Leona. Pumapasok pa rin sa school, pero dito kaagad ang diretso pagkatapos ng klase. Habang ako, nagtratrabaho pa rin.

Ako ang nag-asikaso lahat, para hindi mamroblema ang parents namin. I remained calm and composed despite the strong storm that took us by surprise. Puro pamilya ko ang inintindi ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Hindi tumitigil ang katawan ko.

I asked Deus if he knew some part time at night, because I wanted an extra job. The bills and finance were stacking up, I needed to work to pay for everything. Georgina and Deus helped me looked for a part time. Mabuti may alam si Deus. Piyanista sa isang mamahaling restaurant, maganda ang bayad, tapos may tip ka pang pwedeng makuha. Mabuti na lang talaga, kaya laking pasasalamat ko kay Deus at Georgina.

They didn't know what happened to my brother. Basta ang alam lang nila, gipit ako ngayon at problemado. I was keeping it all together. Lalo na halos tatlong araw rin walang malay si Javier. He was sedated so much, and that was the result.

Kapag gabi o halos maghahating gabi na ako nakakadalaw sa kanya dahil sa trabaho ko. Sa kanya ako kumukuha ng lakas. Kailangan ko kasing ipagpatuloy ang buhay, hindi pwedeng iiyak lang ako at walang gagawin. Pero no'ng unang gabi ni Javier dito, sobrang naging pira-piraso ang puso ko.

Mama and Leona went home that time to get some things for Javier, and to rest. Naiwan si Papa. I thought he was so strong for keeping calm, and rationale about all of what was happening. Little did I know; he was also near his limit. When Mama and Leona were gone, I stood at the door of the room.

Watching my father that I admired, and loved so much, crying, breaking down, and blaming himself for what happened. His muffled cries, were heart wrenching, especially when I saw him on his knees, holding the hands of my unconscious brother.

Ni hindi ko nagawang pumasok sa kwarto para yakapin si Papa, lalo na no'ng kita kong hinang-hina na 'to. Baka madala kasi ako, baka maging mahina rin ako, paano na kami? Hindi pwede 'yun. I just covered my mouth, and held the tears from my eyes. It was just so hurtful; it was just dark. It was just empty and still.

The piano that I thought that could always bring happiness in me, suddenly became some cold keys of stranger and strings. I was playing the piano at the restaurant. But I was only playing it for the sake of playing it. It didn't keep me alive, instead, I only heard my death through it.

Pero laban lang, tugtog lang. I played, and played, and played. I got a lot of good tips. These rich people were giving, they told me I was really good, I just didn't know how I'm good and how I am so fine in their compliments. I was barely living through all of it. Kapag natatapos sa fine dining na 'yun, kay Javier ako didiretso. Hahawakan lang ang kamay n'ya, babantayan lang s'ya.