It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

13

I sat in my room that night after climbing through the window after I left school early. I figured that would be the best way to avoid my jobless father. If he found out I came home early from school again then the beating would probably be a lot worse than last time. As the sun went down and my room got darker and darker I couldn't help but think about what Vic said. Is who I am as a person really at a level that would justify my dad hitting me? I always played the victim after one of my dad's rage-filled episodes. I'd wallow in self-pity, but I never actually thought that I could be the one asking for it. Am I an annoying person? Am I such a disappointment to him. I already knew the answers but I decided to finally ask him for myself.

I left my spot on the bed and left my room. My dad was sitting in the living room watching TV with a beer in his hand. I stood in front of him to get his attention.

"Do you have a problem? Get out of the way." He growled, glaring at me. Okay, it was now or never. Just ask him.

"Why do you hit me?" I asked. He looked confused.

"What? Go to our room." He ordered. I shook my head, not moving from my spot.

"No." I said boldly, "I want to know what I did that made you hate me so much."

I could practically hear his teeth gritting together before he slammed his beer bottle down on the coffee table next to the couch. The bottle smashed and beer went spilling everywhere. My dad shot up onto his feet and came towards me. The deathly look in his eyes made me regret talking to him in the first place.

"You know what, never mind. Go back to watching your show." I said quickly. I ducked from the incoming swinging fist and ran across the room to the hallway. Like always, he was quicker than me. He latched onto my shirt and pulled me back to him. He spun me around and slammed me against the wall. He gripped my shoulders tightly causing a sharp pain to go through them.

"You want to know why I fucking hate your pathetic existence?" He spat. His eyes flared up with rage. I looked back at them knowing I was giving him what he wanted; a look of fear.

"Let me go." I pleaded. I tried to move his hands but they only gripped tighter. He dug what little nails he had into my skin making me gasp out in agony.

"No. You asked a fucking question and you're going to get an answer." He pulled me away from the wall and pushed me back into it again. The impact, plus his thumbs tightly closing around my throat made it difficult to breath. I silently willed myself to pass out. He'll stop if I'm out cold. It didn't work though.

"I have resented you ever since the day I found out about you. Me and your mom were young and in love. We wanted so many more years to just be together and then you fucking came along and everything changed. She used to love and care for me, nobody else, just me and all of a sudden you are her first fucking priority and she completely changed. Then you were the one to tell her to leave. I heard everything, Kellin! You begged her to leave me because I was abusive or some shit. You have no idea what went on in our lives. She deserved the abuse! You ruined our lives, Kellin." He shouted each word at me. I didn't mean to ruin their lives, but somehow I did. I am a life ruiner. Nothing could compare to how awful I felt right now, knowing that I was the reason their marriage broke up. I was the reason he started hitting her. It was because of me that she stopped caring for him. It was because of my idea that she left. I just wanted her to be safe and away from his abusive, manipulative ways.

"And I'll tell you one more thing, Kellin, and you can count on this as the whole truth. She hated you too. Why else wouldn't she take you with her?" He whispered. This was enough to tip me over the edge and tears started flowing from my eyes.

"Don't fucking cry. Crying is for faggots and my son is not a fucking faggot!" He yelled. He pulled me away from the wall again and this time he kneed my stomach. I doubled over and feel to my knees, clutching where he hit me. Seconds later he was pulling me back up by the back of my shirt and dragging me down the hall towards my room.

"Toughen the fuck up, Kellin! You are a disgrace to men everywhere! I don't want to see your face again until you decide that you want to be a man!" He shouted. He opened my bedroom door and pushed me in before closing the door. If I had a lock then I'd run over and lock it, but I didn't. He learnt long ago that I would try to stop him from coming in and he hated that.

Everything hurt, and I don't mean physically. Absolutely nothing was okay right now. I sat on my bed against the headboard with my knees hugged to my chest and tears flowing violently. I felt like my life just got a whole lot worse after hearing those words from my father. I don't know why I held onto the hope that maybe, just maybe he didn't hate me as much as he let on. I always thought that he was just mad that mom left and that this would all be a phase, but it's not. This had been going on for two months since she left and it's not getting any better. His hatred for me runs so much deeper than my mom leaving. He's hated me for 16 years of my life and he did a good job of hiding it for the most part. What makes things that much more heart breaking was the fact that my mom apparently hates me too. That part I found a little more difficult to understand. Me and her had always been in this together, well up until she left. She was always kind to me and she'd tell me every day that she loves me. Was that a lie too?

I reached into my jeans pocket and took my phone out. I went to her number and pressed call even though I knew nothing would come of it. The phone just kept ringing and ringing like it always did until a computerized voice told me the number was not in service. I threw the phone on the floor and the light lit up the room. That's when I looked at the window and almost had a heart attack. Standing at the window, about to knock on it, was Vic. He stopped when he saw that I was looking at him. What is he doing here? That's the last thing I need right now to add to my fucking depressing night.

He slid the window open and I jumped off the bed quickly to stand in the middle of my room. I wrapped my arms protectively around myself and watched him climb into my bedroom. I was still dumbstruck and confused as to why he was here.

"What are you doing here?" I sobbed. It was dark but I could just make out the look of concern on his face.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, taking a step closer to me.

"Like you even care." I snapped. He took another step closer, closing the gap between us. He cupped my cheeks with his hands and gently brushed away my tears with his thumbs.

"Please don't." I begged in a whisper as tears continued to fall. Once I had started crying it was always difficult for me to stop willingly. He looked so worried and for a moment I thought he could actually care, before reminding myself that that's preposterous. No one cares.

He surprised though me by pulling me into a hug. He wrapped his strong arms around me comfortingly and I felt like panicking, but more than that I craved the comfort, so I let him hug me. I buried my head into his neck as I cried and eventually I cautiously unwrapped my arms from around myself and put them around his waist. The warmth from his body and the soothing strokes down my back calmed me down almost instantaneously and I felt myself starting to feel better. My mind cleared and I could actually think straight about what just happened, which was quite unusual because usually when I'm around Vic my mind is a blur. Anyway, what I figured out while we stood there was that my dad is nothing but a drunken liar and I shouldn't believe everything he says. It's not my fault for being born. My mom did what she was supposed to do when I was born; she became a mother. My dad didn't like that, but that's his problem. I know my relationship with my mother wasn't a lie. I know she doesn't hate me. My dad was just being cruel and trying to hurt me because that's his favorite past time. She doesn't hate me. I won't accept that.

Vic and I stood there like that until my tears subsided and I reminded myself who I was with and how much I hated him just hours ago. I pushed him away and took a step back. My usual annoyance at his presence was back, replacing my previous depressed mood.

"What do you want?" I asked. I quickly wiped at my eyes and my cheeks to make my face go back to normal. Thankfully it was dark so he couldn't entirely see how much of a wreck I really was.

"That can wait. What's wrong?" He asked. I shook my head, not wanting to answer the question.

"I'm always telling you what's going on in my head, yet all I know about what's going on in yours is that you're a dick who likes to make my life miserable." I said in a quiet voice. He seemed to get the point that we had to be quiet because he started talking quieter. I wouldn't want my dad walking in here and finding me with a boy.

"That's not true. Okay, fine, I'll talk first," He said and paused for a moment, "If you'll listen?" He asked.

He motioned towards the bed for me to sit down but I didn't move.

"I'll listen but I'm not sitting." I said, crossing my arms over my chest in my usual self-protective stance.

"Alright. First of all, I didn't mean what I said earlier today. I was just mad at you and saying the first thing that popped into my mind. I honestly didn't mean a word of it. If anything it was just my own sick, twisted sense of humor." He said.

"Well it wasn't funny." I whispered.

"I know. I know it wasn't. You don't deserve to get hit by your dad. No one deserves that." He said. He stopped, waiting for my response.

"Okay." Was all I could muster up to say. We were both silent for a while and to be perfectly honest it was starting to get awkward.

"Is that all?" I asked.

"No." He said quickly. "There's more but...I'm going to level with you here, Kellin, I suck at this fucking heart to heart shit."

"Clearly."

"Quiet. I really need you to just listen so I can get this out before I chicken out and leave. And I'm only going to say this all once because I hate this sappy shit, okay?" He asked. He actually looked nervous. I nodded and he sighed, getting himself ready.

"Okay, I have gone a long time not really caring about anyone. I didn't care who I hurt, I just did it without thinking. I never cared if I made someone upset. It got to the point where I enjoyed inflicting misery upon people because I simply had no compassion. And then," He paused, looking away from me momentarily before locking eyes with mine again. "And then you came along and I started to care."

"Why me?" I blurted out. He looked annoyed that I interrupted him after he told me not to, but he didn't say anything about it.

"I'm not sure. Like, you came to this town and you kept challenging me by standing up to me like no one ever has before. I admit, I hated you for those first few days. You were just this kid who didn't know his place and it pissed me off. Plus, you punched me." He said with a roll of his eyes. I cracked a smile at that part and then he continued on.

"Then I kept getting small insights into your life and I started feeling sorry for you, not like pity sorry, but I actually cared that you were hurting and that feeling was so foreign to me because like I said, I don't care about people. Anyway, I don't know, I just felt this need to protect you and I just, I haven't felt that way in a long time and at first it was scary, but then I realized I like feeling protective over someone. And then ever since I first kissed you I haven't been able to get you out of my fucking head. Like, you're all I think about and sometimes I hate it, sometimes I like it. But, yeah...that's it." He finished. It was weird seeing this other side of Vic. Usually he was so confident, but he wasn't now.

I tried to process everything he was telling me and tried to understand if it was the truth or not. I mean, it sounded like the truth and it definitely did explain a few things to me, I guess. But like usual my insecurities got to best off me.

"I find it hard to believe that someone cares for me." I said. That's the part of his speech that bothers me the most.

"Well I do. So you either believe me or you don't. Whatever" His careless, confident self was back. "Anyway, your turn to talk, why were you crying earlier? Was it because of what I said?"

I shrugged and looked down at the ground.

"Come on, Kellin. I gave you all that. The least you could do is tell me what's going on." He said. He has a good point. He always has a good fucking point. Damn him.

"My dad and I had an argument." I told him in a barely audible whisper.

"Did he hurt you?" He asked quickly.

I looked into his eyes, not wanting to lie but not wanting to tell the truth. I guess I didn't have to answer because he saw the look on my face and his expression changed to one of anger.

"I'll kill him." He growled and went towards the door. I jumped into action and stood in front of him. I put my hands to his chest and pushed him back.

"No, Vic, it's okay. Really, it's fine. It wasn't that bad and I provoked him anyway." I scrambled for a good enough excuse but he wasn't having any of it.

"You shouldn't have to put up with this. Someone has to put him back in his place." He said.

He got around me this time and went for the door, so I did the one thing I could think of to keep him in here and away from my dangerous dad.

"Kiss me." I demanded.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me, looking confused.

"What?" He asked.

"You could go out there and start a fight, or you could stay here and kiss me." I gave him the ultimatum. I was hoping that I sounded appealing and didn't sound like a fucking idiot. I got my answer when he came back over to me and crashed his lips to mine. I wasn't sure if in my head I really wanted the kiss. There was still a lot to think about. However, my body was all for it. It didn't last long though. Before he even had a chance to push me down on to my bed I heard footsteps. I stopped kissing him and pushed him away.

"You hear that?" I whispered.

"Yeah. I got to kiss you and now I get to murder him. Win win situation." He said. He went to go to the door again but I held his hand. The footsteps were getting closer.

"No, please. Just hide." I begged. "For me." I added before he could protest.

He sighed in defeat and quickly climbed out the window, ducking down out of sight. Just moments later my door opened. I spun around and looked at my dad.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Who are you talking to?" He asked.

"Uh, no one. I was singing." I lied quickly. Real smooth, Kellin.

"Singing?" He questioned.

"Yep." I said. He looked suspicious for a second but he bought it.

"Fucking fag." He muttered before closing the door and I waited until I heard the footsteps retreating back to the living room before going over to the window. Vic popped up on the other side just as I got there.

"I hate him." He said.

"Yeah so do I." I said sadly.

He held one of my hands that was on the window sill. I looked down at it before pulling it away.

"Um, so, I, uh, I have a lot to think about. A lot has happened tonight and I just need a bit of time." I said.

"Oh. Yeah, I mean, that's okay. You hate me after all. I wouldn't expect you to want to actually start something with me." He said.

"Wait, you want to start something?" I asked.

"No." He said quickly. "Maybe... I don't know. Yes?" I guess I'm not the only one that had to figure it out.

"Wait, yes. Yes I do want to start something with you. I kind of like you, Quinn." He said with a sense of certainty. I was still unsure though.

"I don't know. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I said, dismissing the conversation.

He looked at the ground quickly before looking back at me. He nodded and went to walk away, but I had the urge to do something.

"Wait a second." I said. He was back to me in seconds.

"Yeah?" He asked. I stared at him for a moment before putting my head through the window and placing my lips on his quickly. The kiss was short, but I had to leave us both with some sort of hope that this could work out. I pulled away and looked at him one last time for that night.

"If something does happen with us, promise me I won't regret it." I said.

"I promise." He said after a split second of hesitation, and then he left.