It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

23

I sat in History, my class before lunch, nervously tearing at the edges of my notebook. I felt so sick today, but not like physically. I just felt mentally horrible. I didn't talk to Vic at all yesterday although he did call me a couple of times. I wouldn't have known what to say to him even if I did answer the phone. He wasn't the person I thought he was, then again he is. I don't know. He's a cheater, even if he didn't cheat on me. He still cheated on someone he supposedly cared about. He says he cares for me so what's stopping him from cheating on me if the opportunity arises? And he lied to me so many times about Beau. How can I just forget that? I can't, no matter how much I want to.

The bell rang making me jump. The class went really quick I hadn't even noticed it was nearing the end. I sighed and gathered my notebooks, slowly leaving the room. I walked down the halls, looking out for Vic so I could make a quick escape if I needed to. I got to my locker, put my books inside and took out my lyric book. There was no way I felt like eating today, so I guess I'll just write instead. I continued walking to the cafeteria as slow as possible, even though all I wanted to do was turn around and run. I couldn't keep ignoring Vic, but he has to know where I stand in all of this. But how do I explain to him how I feel about all of this when I'm still confused about everything? I really like Vic, I do, but I'm afraid he's going to hurt me again.

I walked into the cafeteria, my eyes immediately falling on his table. He was sitting there with Jaime, Tony, Mike and Jenna. I still cringe in jealousy every time I see that Jenna girl. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm too jealous when there's nothing to be jealous about.

Vic looked up at me the second I walked in. It was the first time I had seen him since Saturday. He looked anxious and tired. His eyes looked like they hadn't closed in a very long time. Was he like me? Did he also get like no sleep the past two nights? I know he was sorry for lying to me and it hurt me that I was about to hurt him, but I couldn't stop myself. I walked towards an empty table and sat down by myself. I didn't look at Vic to see his reaction though. I did however notice some people around the cafeteria looking from me to Vic's table, probably wondering what I could have done to get excluded from their group. I put my head down and looked at my lyric notebook. I opened it to the last page I had written on and kept working on the lyrics to distract myself.

It worked for the most part of lunch until a hand slammed down on the book and flicked it closed. I looked up to see a very angry looking Mike.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He snapped at me. He looked so angry, he actually reminded me of what Vic was like on my first day here.

"Writing. What does it look like?" I asked.

"No. What are you doing with Vic? He's a mess because of you." He said. I looked at their table but Vic was no longer there.

"Because of me? Have you not noticed the shit he's put me through?" I asked. He sighed and sat down across from me.

"He told me about telling you the truth with Beau and Ellie. What he did in the past has nothing to do with you. He was just a stupid kid when it all happened. He didn't know any better and for you to hold something against him that has nothing to do with you is a fucking dick move." He seethed. It was weird and a little bit frightening seeing Mike like this.

"He lied to me though and he's done so many bad things." I said.

"So what? He lied to you because his friend asked him to. He lied because he knew he'd get this reaction out of you if you found out the truth. And I've never seen my brother affected so much by a person before. Did you know that he hasn't cared about anyone since Ellie died? He cried so much after she died and then he switched everything off and stopped caring. He stopped loving life like he used to, until he met you. He started smiling a genuine smile again. He was alive again because of you, but now I see him turning back into that heartless dick because you won't forgive him for something that happened years ago. Please, Kellin, base your relationship off of what happens with the two of you, not what he's done with others. He doesn't deserve to be punished forever." Mike finished.

He made me feel incredibly guilty and even a bit childish and stupid. He was completely right though. I shouldn't hate him for what he did; I don't have the right to. I guess I was just hurt. Mike put a lot of things into perspective now though.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"He said he was going home." He said. I just nodded and left the table. I didn't really want to speak to Mike anymore right now because, to be honest, his over-protective-little-brother mode was a little intimidating.

I dropped my books off at my locker before running out into the parking lot to see if Vic was still there. His car was gone though. I fell into a walk as I walked down the street in the direction of his house. It'd probably be another 20 minutes before I got there. That's enough time to sort my thoughts out, I hope. Okay, so Vic lied to me, but it was to protect his friend. He's not cheating on me, so that's a plus. He's capable of cheating though because he's done it before. All I have to do is get over this paranoia of people hurting me. Since we got together the only bad thing he's done is lie to me about Beau. That's it. He hasn't intentionally set out to hurt me, so really, why should I still be angry? I should really thank Mike for slapping some sense into me.

It seemed like it took forever but I finally made it to Vic's house. I was totally ready to just put this behind us and move on. I went to the front door and knocked on it. After waiting a minute or so and getting no answer I knocked again. No one came to the door. That's odd. Vic's car is here so he should be too. I twisted the door knob and it was unlocked so I opened it. I poked my head in the doorway and looked around.

"Vic?" I called out, but got no answer. Maybe he dropped his car off here and decided to go for a walk or something? Either way I let myself in and jogged up the stairs to his bedroom. I knocked on the door, but got no reply once again, so I just opened it. Vic was laying on his bed with his headphones in his ears and his iPod resting on his stomach. He sat up the second he saw me and took the ear buds out.

"Hey." He was the first to speak.

"Hi." I said, followed by an awkward silence. "What are you listening to?" I asked. He looked down at his iPod before looking back at me.

"You." He said.

"Me? You mean the song we did together?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, just your vocals. It relaxes me." He said with a shrug.

"Oh."

We fell into a silence again, both of us looking at each other, daring the other to say something. I was beginning to think that maybe I should have spent my walk over here thinking of something to say. Should I apologize? Am I even sorry? I don't know.

"I can't lose you, Kellin." Vic spoke. His eyes held so much emotion. He really looked like he was hurting and I wanted to fix that. I didn't want him to be upset anymore. "Please. I know I don't show it but I need you in my life."

I smiled at him. That was exactly what I needed to hear from him right now, although I'll never understand why someone would actually need me in their lives. It's not like I do anything to change it. Yet, according to Mike I make Vic happy, and truth be told once the drama is pushed aside, he makes me happy too. I walked over to him and got on the bed. I pushed him back onto his back and lay down next to him with my head on his chest and my arm around his waist. He held me back, breathing a sigh of relief. It was good to be back in his arms.

"Let's just not fight again, okay?" I asked.

"You got it." He said. I titled my head up to look at him and he took the opportunity to kiss me. I really missed his kisses. He deepened the kiss, but there were still a couple of things I wanted to talk about before we get back to normal. So I stopped kissing him and he probably didn't realize it, but he was pouting. It was adorable.

"Sorry, I just, um, there are a couple more things about your past that I want to know." I said, propping myself up on my elbow so I could look at him properly.

"Kellin." He groaned in frustration. "We just got over this."

"Yeah, I know, and I'm not trying to start an argument again or whatever, but I just need to know a couple of other things before we can forget it." I said.

He sighed and nodded. "Alright, what is it?"

"It's about you and Beau." I said cautiously.

"Of course it is." He said, rolling his eyes. I guess he's back to his normal self then.

"So like, after Ellie, you know...what happened with you and Beau?" I asked. I hoped I wasn't crossing the line here but I really needed to know or I'd always be wondering.

"We broke up straight away. We couldn't stand looking at each other after it happened. Whenever I was around him I was reminded of what we did to her. Then he left for rehab the first time but we stayed in contact since then, just as friends." He explained.

"And now there are no feelings?" I asked.

"Not on my part. You're the only person I like like that. Beau however, I'm not sure. I think there's a little jealousy there, but not really. He has a girlfriend back in Texas though." He said.

"Girlfriend? So he's bi?"

"Yeah, well he never was before but then he met Valerie and I think he really likes her. He talks about her a lot." He said. The fact that Beau has someone else made me feel a little better. It just means less of a chance of him going after Vic. There's just one more thing I wanted to know before I can forget about everything.

"Were you in love with him?" I asked. He shook his head.

"I thought I was at the time, but when I look back on it I think it was just infatuation. I don't know. I don't really know what love feels like, you know? But I do know that how I feel about you is completely different to how I felt about him." He finished with a shrug.

"A-and how do you feel about me?" I asked uncertainly.

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I like you, like a lot. Like a lot a lot. You're all I think about, Kells."

God, why does he keep saying the sweetest things? I turn to fucking mush around him.