It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

28

I waited outside my house on Monday morning for Vic and Mike to arrive. I couldn't wait inside because my dad no longer has a job, so he's home all the time now, unless he's at Joanne's house, but he was there all weekend and he just came home last night. I hated how quickly their relationship was moving. It's only been a couple of weeks and I'm already finding her things all over the house! Next thing I know, they'll be moving in together. Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing. He's nicer to me when she's around. It's dangerous for her though because as soon as she does one thing wrong, she'll be in the same place that my mother once was.

I hadn't talked to Vic since I left him and the others yesterday morning. I wanted to apologize to him in person and I was too scared to do it yesterday. I was so mean to him when I woke up on Sunday morning. It was all my fault. I was the one that pressured him into having sex with me. I still can't believe that happened though. It's so unlike me. What the hell was I thinking? That' just the think though, I wasn't thinking. I never do when I'm around him. He pulled up into the drive way and I hopped up straight away, getting into the car. The first think I noticed was that Mike wasn't there.

"I made him walk," Vic said, reading my thoughts.

"Oh, why?" I asked as he started the car up and drove towards school.

"I thought we should talk about what happened," he said.

I nodded and took a deep breath. Okay. Here goes.

"Yeah, I need to tell you something about that," I started.

"What is it?" he questioned. He kept glancing from the road to me.

"Well, I found a video I recorded that night. I don't know why I recorded it. I was like, so drunk, but uh, it was all my idea, you know, to actually do, um...it. Like, you said no but I wouldn't listen. It was all my fault," I said in a quiet voice. I thought that maybe if I said it quiet enough then he wouldn't hear me and would forget about it. I was wrong.

"I know," he said.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I know you started it. I can't really remember a whole lot, but I remember that," he told me. I wonder what else he remembers that I don't.

"But, why didn't you just tell me?" I asked.

"Because it's better you hate me than yourself," he said.

Oh wow. Just wow. He cared about how I felt so much that he was willing to let me hate him. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but I didn't really feel like getting into a car accident.

"I'm so sorry for blaming you and for everything I said. I was just upset, not because it happened, but because I couldn't remember it. You'd feel the same way if it was your first time, right?" I explained, hoping he would get it.

"Right," he said and gave me a re-assuring smile. Something was still a bit off though. I couldn't quite place my finger on it.

"So, are we good now?" I asked.

"I don't know, are we?" he countered.

"I don't want us to break up because of this. I-I mean, that's if you don't want us to. I know I said some mean things, but I'm sorry," I said. Fuck, why are my eyes watering up?

"Don't start the waterworks, Kellin. I don't care what you said to me. It's fin and-"

"No, it's not fine though. I was really mean," I said.

"And I'm mean to you all the time. It's how we work, babe," He said.

Is that really a good relationship? One where our 'thing' is to argue? He seemed to read my mind.