Mad Ember

10: Dog

The songs I add before a chapter hint to the feelings and messages that will rise within it. It gives my characters a real voice. It brings them to life. All songs will be provided! :) And the playlist is on spotify!

S O N G F O R C H A P T E R : "Hard Time"
B Y : Seinabo

"Hard time forgiving
Even harder forgetting
Before you do something
You might regret friend"

He. Would. Not. Shut. Up! Scruffy down there apparently has found it entertaining to bark for hours on end, non-stop, only stopping when I stick my head out of the window. So that is what led us to the moment we are currently at. Me, sitting on my bed, staring down at the bundle of brown fur, licking his genitals on my floor.

I nudge him with my foot. "Stop that." He looks up at me, his tongue hanging out, and his head cocked to the side. His left ear was bent back, and the right flopped over. Looking at him now, I noticed that he had an underbite, and his snout was at a weird upwards angle. I cock my head at him, causing him to mimic me.

"You're kinda ugly." I glare at him. He yips happily, and I continue to stare at him.

"And loud." Snot starts to drip from his nose, and he sneezes. The snot gets on the floor, and he decides that it was a tasty snack and starts licking at it. "And gross." I grimace. I sigh, looking at him.

"Alright, Dog, you had your time inside. Let's go." I scoop him up and carry him back down the tree, plopping him on the ground with some of my scraps of meat and climb back up. Not five minutes later, and his barking persists, louder than what it was before...

So that is what brings us to currently, me attempting to sleep, with a smelly, slobbery, ugly dog curled in my arm.

♛ ♛ ♛

Three days later and the dog still has not proved his importance to me. All he does is poop, pee, eat, bark, and follow me around like a shadow. He doesn't even play, he just sits there and stares at me. I think his coding went wrong somewhere, what kind of puppy doesn't play? Though, one thing that he has been good at is a distraction. With him here, I think less of Corban and his pack. Unfortunately, that still doesn't mean I stopped thinking about him.

Sometimes it feels like he is in the room with me, Corban I mean... just watching over me. It may seem creepy, but I can not lie and say that I don't like it. It was a comforting feeling that I happily embraced, though I would never admit that out loud. I continue to read the book I had gotten from the library, and the more I read, the clearer my situation becomes. I know I have been in denial, but it's comfy being there. Ignorance is bliss and all that. If Corban and I are... soulmates than this pull I feel towards him will only get stronger. And that scares me because right now, it already feels pretty damn strong. I find that as the days pass, I just want to see him to calm the strain in my mind

In my mind, I know that I need to fight it. This is the rational side of me. The part that keeps me alive and safe. Collet says it's my comfort zone, and it's "too small," but I like it this way. This part is smart; it's the mathematician in me. It's fully aware that there is no room for "soulmates" in my life, nor is there a need for them. If I want to survive, I have to avoid it. But the other side of me, the part that I sometimes like to pretend doesn't exist, is my heart. And my heart wants me to follow it, see where things might go, and lean into the unknown. My heart is going to get me killed.

Collet says that I am forcing loneliness to stay in my life. I'm too closed off, and need to open my eyes and mind to the experiences that life has to offer me. I remember her telling me that there is a fine line between being independent and a hermit. She classified me as a "grouchy hermit". She told me that I need to learn how to live and not just survive. At this point in my life, I don't think it would be possible. It's wired in me, it's who I am, and I don't know how to be any different. I do it to protect myself. I feel safe inside my cocoon, and even though I know more is out there, I don't mind pretending everything else doesn't exist.