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forty-three

I started walking.

It was freezing cold.

I had no clothes, no phone, no food, no cash, nothing besides my wallet which contained my ID and random gift cards to stores in the mall.

Tomorrow I will try to buy warmer clothes with those.

But I walked straight to where I knew I had to go.

No other place.

Women and children's shelter.

I checked myself in, I was given a cot with blankets, which I was thankful for.

And I slept there

Michael.

"Why is she sending you all of this?" Ashton asked as I sat outside of my now empty OR in tears, reading the text messages from Harper, each word breaking my heart.

I'm never coming back

I never loved any of you

You're all nothing to me.

I don't want to ever speak or see any of you ever again.

I called her multiple times- no answer.

I was blowing up her moms phone, nothing.

What changed?

What made you hate me again?

Harper.
One month later.

I had enough money for a plane ticket.

After working at a coffee shop, sleeping in a shelter, eating the cheapest food possible and only buying clothes when it was a necessity, I had my plane ticket back to my boys.

I just hope they didn't hate me by this point.

Michael.

"Dude, you've gotta stop trying, she's made it clear." Calum told me as I called her again like I've done every morning for the past month.

I wanted her to come back to me.

I wanted closure at least.

Why do you hate me, Harper?

I can't let her hate me.

She's the daughter I never had, but I've always wanted.

I'd treat her better than her dad ever has, I'll love her so much that she'll never be mistreated by another guy, because she will know her worth.

Harper.

I coughed as I got on the plane, feeling the symptoms of sickness in my body.

I was weak, I was tired, my chest was constantly hurting and sleeping was almost impossible.

But I wasn't missing this flight for anything.

No sleep the entire flight, but I was soon home.

I ordered an Uber as I waited to get off the plane, walking straight off the plane and to the exit.

My boys are the only things keeping me pushing

I wanted nothing but to sit for a minute, but I couldn't wait to get to them

"Please don't hate me"