New Beginnings: A Hessa Story (2)

Chapter 18: Hardin

Sleeping in a hospital bed fucking sucks. It feels like I'm in a coffin, and I can only sleep on my back due to my surgery, so that only adds to the feeling. God, I hate sleeping alone. I can't believe I did it for 20 years before Tessa. I never, ever wanted to sleep with anyone, until her. Now, I cannot imagine sleeping a night without her, yet here I am... in the same city, still alone.

It's only been about a few hours since everyone left, and I've heeded Nora and Kim's advice to not call Tessa. Okay, that's a lie... I've called her five times but it's gone to fucking voicemail each time. I think her phone is turned off. I hate this feeling of knowing I didn't do anything wrong, but also knowing Tessa is sitting at home thinking I did. If I weren't hooked up to so many different wires and tubes, I would go home to speak with her right now. I even called my mum, but it's late so of course she was sleeping. Even now, at two AM, I have only slept for probably about an hour. I keep waking up. I keep thinking about Tessa. My thoughts are eating me alive, and I don't know how much longer I can handle them. I take one of the pillows from behind my head, and wrap my arm around it, pretending it's Tessa's head against my chest. When I close my eyes, it almost feels like it's her in my arms instead of this fucking brick of a pillow.

-

"Shit!" I jolt awake as I hear someone shout in my room. Maybe it was just the asshole who is sharing the room with me, but it sounded like a woman's voice. I hear a bunch of things tumble to the floor, and I can see a shadow moving down to pick them up.

"Uh... I think you're in the wrong room." I say out loud, but the person doesn't respond. Once she steps into the light coming through the window, I can see it's Tessa. Tessa? Am I dreaming?

"Tess?" I pinch myself under my blanket, just to see if I am dreaming or not.

She still doesn't say anything, but she sits down next to me. I reach out to touch her, and she feels real.

"You're here?" I ask pathetically. I really hope this isn't a dream.

"I'm here." She sighs, and I smile knowing that she's not just a figment of my imagination. She stares at the pillow I am still clutching onto in confusion. I quickly put it behind my head again, wincing in the process.

"Are you still in pain?"

I nod, and a frown sets on her face. There's the Tessa I know and love. The Tessa that feels emotions, not the blank, empty Tessa that was here earlier.

"Not as much as before." I tell her, and she nods.

She continues to sit there, avoiding eye contact, and tapping her fingers against her leg.

"May I ask why you're here at..." I look at the clock. "Four thirty in the morning."

"I couldn't sleep."

"Me neither. I have to sleep on my back, it's so uncomfortable." I try to tease her, and it works. She gives me a small giggle.

I don't want to be the one to bring up the real reason why Tessa is probably here.

"So... I know Kim and Nora told you what Lucy said to me..." Tessa sighs loudly.

And there it is...

I should just start apologizing, but I didn't do anything really. I am conflicted on my next course of action, and Tessa's eyes are burning my soul for an answer.

"I- uh..." Say something, Hardin!  "Yeah, they told me what she said." That's the best you could fucking say?

"Well that's why I was acting weird earlier, I was just kind of hurt by what she said..."

I grab her hands to stop them from anxiously tapping on her thigh.

"What Lucy said, it wasn't like that..." I begin to explain.

"Then what was it like?"

"We would just talk, you know? Like she would ask me questions, and I would answer them."

I am mentally slapping the fuck out of myself right now. How do I explain to Tessa that me talking to Lucy almost four years ago was nothing?

"So it's true then? You told her about personal stuff."

"I would say it's public knowledge. I wrote a fucking book about us." I laugh, but Tessa doesn't return the same reaction.

"Hardin... I'm being serious."

"So am I!" I throw my hands up in the air, ignoring the pain with every movement of my body.

"Can you two be quiet! I'm trying to sleep!" The man on the other side of the curtain yells. Shit, I forgot someone else was in the room.

"Did you tell her that you were frustrated about me getting pregnant?"

"No." I honestly tell her. Those words never came out of my mouth.

"You never told her you were angry with the fact that I didn't want to marry you?"

"No..." I tell her less honestly, knowing that I did express quite a lot of anger when I was talking about her to Lucy.

"So nothing, absolutely nothing she said was true?"

I hesitate with my answer, and Tessa automatically catches onto my bullshit.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Even now you're gonna lie to me?" She raises her voice, and I look over at the curtain to see if I hear anything from the man on the other side.

"I'm not lying, I didn't say anything bad to her."

"So what did you say, Hardin?" She is pushing and pushing me to answer, but for some reason I cannot admit to her what I actually told Lucy. Just looking at Tessa's face... I cannot admit my mistakes to it.

"Nothing! We just talked about one of the nights we got a negative pregnancy test-"

"You told her about that?" Tessa looks heartbroken, and I want to slap some sense into AA Hardin. What a fucking idiot I was.

"So you said you didn't tell her any personal shit, but that's pretty personal. So which is it, Hardin!?" She is desperately trying not to cause a scene, but I can see the steam start to pour out of her ears.

"I don't remember!"

She stares at me with her big eyes. She isn't crying, which is strange. In fact, I can't tell what emotion, aside from anger, she is holding right now.

"Tell me, Hardin..." She has no trace of empathy that she had only a few minutes ago. She's stone cold, and it's my least favorite Tessa.

When I don't respond, she ups the stakes. "Tell me, or I'm not marrying you."

My eyes bulge out of my head. "What?"

"Tell me what you said to Lucy, or I swear I'm not marrying you."

She is serious.

"Tessa..." I cannot find the words to tell her how much of a dick I was. I cannot find the words to tell her that I was losing hope of her getting pregnant, and how internally upset I was that she wouldn't marry me. The fact that I spoke to Lucy about it before her... that probably would sting the worst if I ever told her.

Before I can even process it, Tessa has stood up from the hospital bed and walked towards the door.

"Tess! Wait!" I call out for her. To my surprise, she turns around. I was expecting her to keep walking, so I don't know what to say to her now that she's stopped at the doorway. She looks completely broken, distraught and sad. I just want to get up and kiss away the frown lines on her forehead, wipe away the few tears that have escaped her eyes.

"I'm sorry." I finally manage to say, but that only causes her to sob. She finally exits the room as I call out for her again and again. I try to get up to follow her, but the pain is too extreme for me to even move. Plus, with all these IV's and fucking plugs, I can't leave this bed.

What the fuck just happened? Did Tessa actually just say she won't marry me unless I tell her what I told Lucy? I didn't tell her, so does that mean... oh my god. What have I done...