Head in The Clouds

I Dont Need Help

Vanessa age 18 October
I wake up in an unfamiliar place. I hear my moms talking to someone. I go to move my hair out of my face, but I can move my arms. I try to yank my arm free, and feel a stinging in my wrist. That is when I remember what happened yesterday, or today. I don't know, it wasn't that long ago.
"Mama! Mamí!"
They turn to look at me. Mama smiles, but Mamí looks worried.
"Vanessa, honey, your awake. How are you feeling?" She says, walking over and stroking my hair.
"Mama, why are my arms tied up!"
"Mija, do you remember what you did yesterday?"
"Of course I remember. It wasn't an accident. That doesn't explain why I am tied to my bed."
"So you don't try and hurt yourself again. You woke up and tried to rip out your stitches."
"Why do you care," I spit. "It's not like I am your real daughter."
"Vanessa, we care because we love you. You are our daughter. We don't care if you don't have any blood connection to us." Mamí says.
"When do I get out of here?"
"Well, you are being moved to the psychiatric ward in about ten minutes there. They will hold you for 3 days, and then we will reevaluate and determine if you need longer."
"You can't make me go. I am 18."
"This first stay is not up to us or you. You are going to the psychiatrist ward for seventy-two hours."
"Mama, don't let them do this. I don't want to go there."
She looks near to tears. "Honey, you need help. What I had to see yesterday, shook me to my core. You are a bright, beautiful woman, who is in a dark ugly place. I love you, but you can't not manipulate me out of this."
I feel pure anger rise up in me at this.
"I HATE YOU! I HATE BOTH OF YOU!" I scream. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE!"
Mama turns and runs out of the room, as a nurse sticks me with a needle. Soon, I am asleep again, having terrible nightmares.

Daniela POV
The moment the words leave Vanessa's mouth, my heart shatters. I can't stand it anymore. I turn and run out of the room. I hear Carla's heels on the floor behind me, but I don't stop. I run down the stairs and out the front door. There, I find a bench, put my head in my hands, and sob. After a few minutes, I hear the clack of heels, and an arm wraps around my shoulder.
"Dani, Mi Vida, things will be okay. She didn't mean what she said. She doesn't hate us. Once she gets on the medication and has a few days to think, she will be okay. I know it."
"I just can't stand seeing her in so much pain."
"I know. That poor girl has been through more hell in her first twelve years of life, than most people go through in a lifetime. She is probably suffering from depression and sever PTSD. There is something triggering it, and they will hopefully figure that out soon."
"Carla, hold me. Please, just hold me."
She wraps me in her arms, and I break down again.
"I just want her to be okay."
"I know Love. I do too."

Vanessa one day later
I have spent most of the last thirty six hours asleep, according to my nurse. I am in a room with a total wacko. My clothes are uncomfortable and I feel like I am wearing plastic. The blankets and pillow are not much better. I have no privacy and the showers are cold.
"Vanessa, it is time for therapy. After, you have a group therapy session."
I roll my eyes and follow the nurse. In the session, I don't talk. He asks me questions, and I just give him brief answers. I don't want to talk to this man. I don't want to be here."

Later in the day, I am forced to take a pill. It makes me feel drowsy and numb. I guess it is better than feeling the way I have been. That night, when I sleep, I have no dreams, which is a relief.

Vanessa age 18 early November
After three days, I am told I have visitors. I walk in and see mama and mami. It is nice to see them.
"Hi honey, how are you feeling?" Mama says, hugging me and kissing my cheek.
"I hate it here. Please, when can I come home?"
"We would love to take you, but your doctors say you are uncooperative. They are putting you on another three day hold."
"What, no! This place is hell."
"Then why do you not work with your doctors? They are trying to help you."
"Mama, Mamí, I will do anything to get out of here."
"Mija if you work with the doctors for the next three days, if you are cooperative, we will see about getting you to another hospital. One that is better and has more freedoms, but you need to prove to them and us that you are no longer a danger to yourself."
"Why do you care so much? There is nothing I can give you. I am just a waste of space."
"Because Mija," Mamí says coming to kneel in front of me. "You are a precious soul who has been through hell in your young lifetime. You deserve a chance to live the best life you can. There is no one like you, and our world would be broken without you. We love you for who you are, not for what you can give us."
"We want to see what you can become. We know you can be so much more, and can make a difference in the world. Whether it is one person, or hundreds. You have already done that for us. You have brought so much joy to our lives."
I feel the tears roll down my face at their words. Mamí opens her arms, and I curl up into her, crying. She plays with my hair as Mama rubs my back.
"You are a young, beautiful, bright woman who has her whole future in front of her. We hope that you will see that soon," mama says, kissing my forehead.
I don't know if I believe them, but I want out of here. Surely, there has to be a better hospital than this hell hole.