Head in The Clouds

Return to My Roots

Vanessa age 50
Today is my 50th birthday. Lucia is a junior and college, and Daniella is a senior this year. For the most part, Daniella has had a smooth transition. She has started hormones, and will have her top surgery after graduation. She is excited for that. According to Daniella, she can't wait for clothes to fit her properly.
For my birthday, we are going to Argentina. We are going back to the place where I was born. I have always wanted to go back to visit. I want to remember where I am from.

I am sitting in my seat, remembering the years before I was adopted the first time, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I jump and hear a laugh.
"Vanessa, we are here."
I look out and see we are landing.
"What are you thinking about?" Usnavi asks, taking my hand.
"About the before I came to America. I don't have many memories but a few have stuck around. I lived in an orphanage. I had the bear, that sits on our shelf at home, and vague memories of my biological mom. Those memories, are only a picture or two."
"What do you remember?"
"I remember my mom singing me a lullaby. I also remember seeing my mom walking away. That is the last memory I have of her."
"Maybe we will find answers of why she left you at the orphanage."
"Maybe."
"Do you remember anything about your dad?"
I shake my head. "No."
He leans over, moves my face to look at him, and kisses me. "No matter what, we are going to have an amazing time."
"I love you Usnavi ."
"I love you too Vanessa Delavega and, happy birthday."

We spend two days, being tourist and visiting every sight we can. I wish Lucia could see it with her own eyes, but seeing her reaction to the description is amazing. Since she can see colors, she is able to visualize the buildings pretty well.
Mama and Daniella have been shopping the entire time. They have bough dresses, bags, and a bunch of other items to bring home.
Today, we are headed to the orphanage I used to live in. I'm nervous to go back.
"Mama, your shaking so much, I can feel it over here. You are also making Vivo nervous."
I reach over and take Lucia's hand. "Sorry baby. Just nervous."
"Even a blind person can see that."
She smirks and I laugh.
"Oh my god, you are just as cheesy as your Papa."
"And you love it."
"Yes I do Mija."
We get to the orphanage, and so many memories come back to me. Some good, but most not. A nun comes out to greet us.
"Hi, my name is Vanessa. I came to this orphanage 47 years ago, and left 41 years ago. My name is...."
"Vanessa?"
"Yeah, how do you know?"
"I am sister Elizabeth. I was a novitiate when you were here."
"I remember you. How do you know who I am?"
"Well, we had gotten word about what happened to you. I always hoped I would see you again one day. I want to tell you how sorry I am about everything that has happened to you. Our former director, Sister Mary, she was crooked, and..."
I see she is near tears. I walk over touch her arm. "Hey, I am okay now. I have an amazing life. This is my husband, Usnavi. This is my Mama, who adopted me when I was 15, and these are my daughters. This is Lucia and Daniella."
"I am so glad your life has worked out. I have prayed for you every day since finding out what happened. You were one of my favorite children to ever live here. You were such a kind and gentle soul. You always had your head in the clouds."
"She still does." Usnavi chimes in, laughing a little.
I smack his chest and smile.
"Mama, don't hit Papa in front of a nun. That has to be some bad juju or something." Daniella says.
I just shake my head. "I can't take you guys anywhere."
Sister Elizabeth laughs. "Would you guys like to come in? I have something I want to show you."
We follow her to an office. Once seated, she pulls out a file.
"After your first adoption, I went and found your file, before anyone could destroy it. I figured, the least I could do is give you answers, if you ever came looking."
She shows me a picture from when I was about five.
"This is when you were first brought to the orphanage. You were brought here by your biological father."
"I was. I always thought I was brought by my mom."
"According to this, your father brought you here, when your mom disappeared one day, when he was at work. He dropped you off, hoping he would find a job and be able to come back for you. He said the two of you were starving before he brought you here."
"Do you have any information on him?"
"His name is Kanoa Lee.  He stops by, every year, in the hope that maybe you have returned. He first returned a month after you were adopted, for the first time. He should be here soon."
"He is still alive?"
"Yes. He is coming by today for your birthday."
"I thought my birthday was two days ago."
"According to this birth certificate he gave us, today is your birthday."
"Oh, we were off by two days."
"Happy birthday Amor!"

We wait around and at lunch, there is a nock at the door. The rest of the family is out interacting with the kids, but I am too nervous to move.
"Sister, our guest is here."
My heart pounds as she stands up. "Thank you, you can let him in."
A second later, a small and fragile little old man walks in.
"Señor Lee. I am glad you made it. I have someone I want you to meet..."
He walks up, looks me straight in the eye, and touches my face. "My precious Vanessa. You look so much like your Mom. I would know you anywhere."
When I look into his eyes, I see Lucia. Daniella has his smile.
I touch his face, smile, and hug him. "I can't believe it is you."
He smiles at me. "My sweet girl, I'm sorry I left you but I'm so glad to see what you became."
"I have to ask, if you are still alive, why did you leave me here. I thought you had died and mom left me.
He sits down on the couch and I join him, taking his hands.
"I only wanted to do what was best for you. When I dropped you off here, we were starving. I couldn't work and your mom had disappeared. I did what I could to support us. I tried to take you back to Laos but the government wouldn't let you come. After we were kicked out of our place, I didn't know what else to do. I dropped you off here, knowing you would have food and shelter. I then had to go back to Laos for a few years. When I could afford to bring you back with me, you had already been adopted. I come back, every year on your birthday, hoping and praying you will be here or had been here. I would pray that I would see you again before I die."
I hug my dad for the first time in 47 years.
"Would you like to meet my family? My oldest, she has your eyes. My youngest has your smile."
He touches my face and smiles. "I would love to sweetheart."

My father and I talk for hours. I introduce him to my family. He thanks my Mama for taking care of me. He tells me how him and my mom met. He was born and raised in Laos. He came here as a tourist, met my mom, and never wanted to leave her. They had me two years after them met. Her name was Lucia. I guess subconsciously, I remember, and wanted to name my daughter after her.
He tells me that my birth mom disappeared because she died in a freak accident at her work. She worked in a factory. The factory caught fire and she never made it out. He only found out that information a few years ago from someone who worked with her. They never knew who to contact, to inform the family.
He tells me that he went back to be a lawyer. He remarried five years after I was gone. He has a son and a daughter. They are grown with children of their own.
My father has pictures of me, from when I was a baby. We talked until it was almost too late for us to head to the hotel safely. I invite him, but he declines. He says he has something he needs to do, but wants me to meet him here tomorrow. I agree, hug and kiss his cheeks, and leave him.

The next day, I go back with Usnavi while Mama and the girls stay at the hotel and enjoy the pool.
"Sister, I'm looking for my father." I say, knocking at her office door.
"Vanessa, come sit down."
"What happened?" I ask, having an idea of where this is going.
"Vanessa, your father stayed here last night, like he always does this time of year. When he didn't come to breakfast, I went to check on him. I found him in bed. He had passed in the night."
"Oh. Okay."
Usnavi rubs my back as reality sinks in.
"It seems he finally found you, and could finally rest, knowing you are safe. I found these on the desk."
She hands me a large stack of letters and pictures.
"Thank you sister."
"We have called the embassy to arrange for him to go back to his family in Laos. If you like, we could give you the family information we have."
"Thank you."
I take the papers she gives me, in addition to the information she had, and we head back to our family. On the car ride, Usnavi asks how I am.
"I am sad he is gone, but I am glad I got to meet him."
"Hey, you have a brother and sister. Maybe you can get to know them?"
"Maybe."