Head in The Clouds

Painful

Vanessa age 18 November
I am now at a new hospital. It has been a week and a half since my attempt. I moved to this hospital three days ago. It is a nicer hospital, that I have no idea how my moms are paying.
I am finally to the point that I no longer want to kill myself. I still have nightmares every time I close my eyes and I still feel terrible, but I am working on that. I am working hard at therapy. My doctor says I may only need to be inpatient for another week.
The best part about this new place, I get to have visitors. Since it is only half an hour from where we live mama, Mamí or both of them have been to visit every day. Nina has been twice. She is keeping me updated with all school issues and is bringing my homework to me. It is nice to have something to do. I have to do it supervised, but at least I'm not falling too far behind.

I am walking away from group therapy, when told I have visitors. I walk into the visitors room and see my moms.
"Hi Mama. Hi Mamí," I say, hugging them.
"Hi Mija. You look much better today."
"Umm. Thanks..."
"That is a good thing honey." Mama says laughing. I smile and hug them tightly.
We sit down and start talking. After informing them about my progress, mama gets a serious look on her face.
"Honey, Usnavi has been asking to see you. We knew we should talk to you, before he brought him."
I am filled with instant guilt at the mention of his name.
"He told us how you broke up with him the day before."
"I don't know Mama."
"What happened between you two? Why did you break it off?"
"Because he deserves someone better than me." I say shyly.
"He thinks it was because you knew what you were about to do. That it was your way of saying goodbye."
After a long silent minute, I nod. "It was."
"How long did you plan it?" Mamí asks.
"Three weeks." I hang my head in shame at this. " I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I had originally planned to do it earlier, but I wanted to wait until after your birthday Mamí. I didn't want you to have to deal with me on your birthday."
"Vanessa, you are not something that has to be dealt with. You are the best thing to come into my life. Right up there with meeting Dani. I hope you can see that soon."
"I know that now Mamí. I didn't at the time. I just felt like I was a waste of space. I felt like a parasite that had to be dealt with."
"You are none of those things Mija. You are kind, beautiful, intelligent, and so precious."
"And I am trying to keep that in my head, but it is hard for me. It's painful almost."
"It will get easier just like seeing you in such a dark place was painful for us. For all of us. We all have to heal. So, will you let Usnavi come see you tomorrow?"
"Will one of you come with him?"
"I have therapy tomorrow, but Mamí will come."
"Mama, you are in therapy?"
"Both of us are honey. Seeing you, the way we did, was traumatic for us. We both are going."
"I'm sorry Mama, Mamí. I'm so sorry I put you through that. I didn't even think what it would have been like for you to find me."
"We know Mija. We know. We are going to talk trough our feelings and learn to cope with them. Since starting, the nightmares are less often and we are learning ways we can help you when you come back home. We love you so much and want you home and healthy again."
They both hug me and hold me in their arms.

The next day, my heart pounds as it is almost time for Usnavi to come visit. I talk about it with my therapist, and she encourages me to be honest with him.
When he shows up, we stare awkwardly at each other for several moments. When he eventually opens his arms to me and I go into them. He wraps them around me tightly, and I cry into his chest.
"Shh, it's okay Vanessa. Everything is okay."
He holds me until I am calm.
"I'm so sorry Usnavi. I am sorry for everything I have put you through. I never wanted to hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me. When you broke things off, I could tell things were not okay. I figured I would give you a few days, and then try and talk with you. When I got the call that you had tried to kill yourself, I have never been so scared. I blamed myself for not realizing something was terribly wrong. Vanessa, I love you. I think I always have. From a young age, it was a fierce protective love. As we got older, I started to have real feelings. The moment you walked into my store, I was completely in love with you. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. If you need time, I understand, but I don't want you to break up with me because you think you are not good enough. You are your perfectly beautiful and the most amazing woman I have ever know."
I can't help but lean in and kiss him. He gives me a gentle kiss back and simply holds me. We spend the next hour talking, me leaning in Usnavi's arms.

Vanessa age 19
It has been six months since I left the hospital. I'm still in weekly therapy. I have nightmares from time to time. Every time, one or both of my moms are there to comfort me and calm me down.
Usnavi and I are stronger than ever. He attends therapy with me once a month. I have no doubt I will marry him one day. Just not right away.
After graduation, I will start working part time with my moms. I will be taking design classes part time. I will be working on my graphic design degree. I'm attending the art college of New York.

"Vanessa, baby, do you want me to do your hair?"
"Please."
Mama walks over and starts to brush my hair.
"Mija, you are shaking."
"I'm just nervous. You know, I never expected to get here. I never imagined I would get my high school diploma. I honestly didn't know if I would ever live to 18."
"But you did. You accomplished great things and we couldn't be mote."
She kisses the top of my head and curls my hair. She then takes the graduation cap and pins it in place.
"You look stunning Mija. I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you Mama."

At graduation, I meet Nina, Benny, and Usnavi early. We take several dozen different photos before it is time to head in.
"Vanessa, before you go in, I want you to have this." Usnavi says
He hands me a long box. Inside is a locket. The locket has a miniature photo of my mom inside.
"I had your moms scan the picture you have. This way, you will have all your moms with you during graduation."
I lean in and give him a gentle kiss. "Thank you. This is an amazing gift."