Head in The Clouds

Losing Herself

Usnavi  age 67
Today is my beautiful wife's birthday. It has been six years since her diagnosis. She still remembers the children and grandchildren, but she needs help with things such as remembering to brush her teeth and taking a bath. She needs constant supervision. Dani, Lucia, and Daniella take shifts watching her when I am at work. Nina comes sometimes but she still works and Nessa has a tendency to get more frustrated unless it is one of the four of us with her. Dani and Daniella spend the most time with her. Dani is retired, and Daniella is a stay at home mom.
Today, everyone is coming over to celebrate Vanessa's 62nd birthday. 
I walk in the apartment after work, and hear Daniella and Vanessa in the room. I go to the door and watch.
"Mama, we need to get your ready for your birthday party," Daniella says.
"My birthday? That's today?"
"Yes Mama. You turn 62 today. Why don't you go take a shower, and I can pick an outfit for you."
"Okay. You have a better fashion sense than I ever did. Thank you."
Vanessa kisses Daniella on the head and heads towards the bathroom.
"Mi Amor, can I join you," I ask her as she walks towards the bathroom.
"When did you get home?" Vanessa asks surprised.
"Just a minute ago. So, can I join you. I want a moment to celebrate privately." I smile.
Vanessa grins. "I would love that Usnavi."
"Daniella, honey, you go take care of your daughter Riley. I can take care of your Mama."
"Okay. I will just pick out something for her to wear real quick. Love you Mama."
"Love you too Mija."
I lead Vanessa to the bathroom, draw a warm bath, and help her undress. Since we have a jacuzzi tub, I turn on the bubbles and join her. I get behind her, and she snuggles into me. I grab the sponge, and start gently washing her body.
"I can't believe I am 62 today. It feels like yesterday, that we celebrated my 50th."
"Time moves fast Amor. In the last ten years, we gained two grandchildren and a son in law. Life has been good to us."
"Other than the fact that I am losing my mind."
She sighs, "isn't that right Usnavi?"
"Your not losing your mind Amor." I say, not wanting to upset her.
"Usnavi, I forgot it was my birthday. I see people I recognize, but can never seem to remember their names. There always seems to be someone around me. What is happening to me Usnavi?"
I sigh, knowing I can't get away without this conversation. I wrap my arms around her. "Mi Amor, you have Alzheimer's. You were diagonised almost six years ago. They suspect you are in stage five of the disease."
"Oh. We have had this conversation before, haven't we."
"Yes Amor. We have it about once a week."
"How long do I have?"
"Anywhere before six years and 12 years. I just depends. You are perfectly healthy, you are just losing your memories and the ability to be independent."
"Usnavi, this sucks. I don't want to be a burden to you guys."
"Hey, you will never be a burden to us. Especially to me. You are the love of my life and my soulmate. I will do anything for you."

Half an hour later, I am getting Vanessa dressed, when Daniella comes back in the room.
"Mija, will you help your Mama with her hair. I want her to look beautiful today, not disastrous."
Vanessa and Daniella laugh at this. "Is that okay
mama?"
"I would love it."
Fifteen minutes later, Vanessa comes out looking beautiful.
"¡Mi bella esposa! You look stunning Amor."
"Thank you Usnavi."
"Abuela!" Lilly yells, seeing her Abuela.
"Who is this beautiful girl?" She asks, picking up Lilly.
"This is Lilly, our granddaughter."
"I thought Lilly was just a baby."
"Abuela, I'm not a baby. I am a big girl."
"I'm sorry baby, Abuela loses track of time."
"I know. Mommy says you can't help it."
"Can I have a hug?"
Lilly hugs her Abuela. "Happy birthday Abuela."

Near the end of the night, I can see Vanessa getting tired. At night, her mood swings become worse.
"Guys, it is time we start wrapping up. It is getting late for your Mom."
"Usnavi, I am fine. Let them stay. It is only 5pm."
"Amor, it is almost nine. Plus, the grandchildren need to get to bed."
"No, if they go, they won't come back. I don't want them to go."
"Amor, I promise, they will come back. It is just bed time."
"No, don't let them go. Please, don't let them leave."
She starts to cry. Lucia walks over to her Mama. "Mama, it's okay. We will be back. It is late and I can see you are tired."
"Lucia is right honey. We will be back tomorrow. How would you feel if I tuck you into bed?" Dani says.
"I would love that Mama."
Dani takes Vanessa to bed, and I walk Daniella and Camilo to the door. "Papa, is Mama okay?"
"Yes sweetheart. She has started to get like this often. After seven or eight, it's like a switch flips and she is not her normal self. The doctor calls it sundowns. She will be okay in the morning."
Daniella hugs me tight. "I don't like seeing her like this. It makes me realize we are going to lose her."
"I know Mija. I will have her call you in the morning, so you know she is okay."
"Thank you. Give her a hug for me."
"I will." I hug Camilo, give Riley a kiss, and hug Daniella before they leave. "I love you Daniella."
"I love you too Papa."

Usnavi age 67 December
I am working, when I get a frantic call from Daniella.
"Papa! It's Mama. I can't find her. I went to the bathroom for two minutes, and she is gone."
"What do you mean she is gone? Wasn't the door locked?"
"I though so. I came out and the door was open. I ran out the door, and I couldn't find her."
"I will lock up and start looking."
I lock up the store and start walking around the neighborhood. I search for nearly half an hour and still can't find her. I run home and find a frantic Daniella.
"Did you find her?"
"No. I looked everywhere I know to look. I am guessing you didn't have any luck."
Daniella shakes her head.
"Okay, you call 911. I am calling Lucia, Dani, and Nina."
Within fifteen minutes, everyone is at our house, and I am talking with the police.
"My wife is 62, is in the later stages of Alzheimer's, and is probably confused and scared."
"Is there anywhere she could have gone that would be familiar from her past?"
I think for a moment. "Dani, what is your old address?"
She thinks for a moment and tells the police.
"I want to go with you. I know some of the old places she would hang out." Dani says.
"I also have one more place. It is the place we used to live together. I don't remember the exact address, but I will know the building when I see it and know what street it is in. Lucia and Daniella, will you stay here in case she comes back."
"Yes Papa," they say.
"I will keep looking around the neighborhood," Nina says.
"Thank you."
When we get down to the police car, I tell the neighbor hood and street we used to live in. It takes us thirty minutes to get there, and another five minutes for me to find the building. When we stop, I jump out and look all around for her.
"That building, right there," I point.
The police go up and knock. The building is a dual family building. It has since been remodeled, but I would recognize it anywhere. Since it is near an alley, I start looking there. I hear crying behind the back of the building.
"Vanessa!"
"Navi?" Vanessa is by the back door of the building. She doesn't look up but talks to me. "Navi, they are going to be so mad if I don't get in there soon, but I can open the doors. I don't have my key. I went to get groceries and realized I didn't get the grocery money. When I came back, I realized I don't have my key. If I don't hurry, they are going to hurt me."
I run to her and take her hands. "Vanessa, you don't have to worry about Jake and Amy anymore. They are long gone. Come with me. Everyone is worried about you."
She looks up and looks shocked.
"Who is worried about me? Who are you? You look like my Navi, but you have gotten older.
"I am your Navi. I have been your husband for over forty years. Our kids, grandchildren, and friends are worried about you."
"We have kids and Grandchildren?"
"Yes Amor." I take out my phone and show her a picture of our family. "This is you with our family. That's your Mama, these are our kids Daniella and Lucia, and these are our grandchildren. This is Riley and this is Lilliana. We call her Lilly."
"They are beautiful."
"Come on. Let's get you out of the cold and go home."
I take her hand and we walk back to the front of the building. The police are talking to a taxi driver.
"Mr Delavega, this is the Taxi driver brought Mrs Delavega here.
"She paid with a card, but didn't wait to get it back. I could see something was not quite right with her. I was about to call the police when you guys pulled up. I didn't feel right leaving her."
"Thank you. She has Alzheimer's."
"I do."
"We will talk about it later Amor," i says, kissing her cheek.
The police officers offer us a ride home. On the way, Vanessa falls asleep on my shoulder. I text everyone and let them know Vanessa is safe. We get back home, and everyone is waiting outside for us.
"Mama, I was so worried about you," Daniella says.
"You are a pretty girl. Are you my daughter?"
"Yes Mama. I am Daniella."
"Vanessa. Honey, I was so worried about you."
"Mama!"
"I'm here my girl. You had us so worried."
"I got lost Mama."
"It's okay. Let's get you upstairs."
Dani takes Vanessa upstairs. When they are inside, I collapse on the stoop and cry. Nina walks up beside me, sits down, and wraps her arm around my shoulder. "She is safe now Usnavi."
"The last time I was this scared, was when Lucia was in the hospital with meningitis. I worried I would never see her again. It is December. Had she not had the sense of mind to grab a coat, she could have gotten lost and froze to death. I could have never found her. There are so many things that could have gone wrong."
"But they didn't Usnavi. She went somewhere she knew. We will take more precautions to keep her safe. You are not alone in taking care of her."
"I am losing her Nina. She is losing herself. I want my old wife back."
She holds me as I cry for a minute. When I calm down, Nina pats my back.
"Come on Usnavi. Let's go be with Vanessa. Plus, it is freezing out here."
I wipe my eyes and laugh a little. "Okay. It is pretty cold. I... I think my eyelashes are frozen."

That night, Vanessa allows me to hold her until she falls asleep. I hold her and listen to her light snoring.
"I love you Vanessa." I whisper to her, before closing my eyes and falling asleep.