A Reason to Exist

Chapter 8

Tucker introduced us to three of his friends. Bluesie's ears had black plugs, Geo wore his t-shirt almost to his knees and his jeans were as tight as leggings and Rozza had a man bun. None of them wore a helmet as we skated along the esplanade toward Luna Park.

Tucker hung back for me. 'I'm stopping myself from saying anything stupid,' he said, his eyes flirting. I felt St Kilda ranting around me; this place is the collision of underdog and top dog, the unemployed and workaholics, prostitutes and frigids, drug addicts and health obsessed. Extremes of humanity intersect on these streets.

Tucker spun a 180 Ollie in the air and landed it smoothly. I giggled, wishing carefree were contagious. I wanted to be more like him. I had an urge to grab on to his shoulders and piggyback ride on his uninhibitedness.

We skated through the tooth-lined mouth at Luna Park. The boys bought six sticks of fairy floss and we sat near the ghost train and ate pink puffs of weaved sugar. My mother's warnings about blood sugar spikes, cortisol, insulin and stress hormone release were a dripping tap I couldn't turn off in my mind. I'd never eaten fairy floss before. I found it to be sickeningly sweet. I could feel each crystal of sugar melting on my tongue. It was unfamiliar and rebellious, as forbidden as Adam's apple.

Tucker and his friends were loud and playful. They joked easily with each other; they had their own shared language. Zuri and I looked on as outsiders. Tucker was the most confident in the group. I could see how the other boys admired him, how every word they said was to capture his attention. And that smile ... I'd never seen such a smile ... it was almost a permanent fixture, like everything gives him happiness, life is to laugh at, nothing is serious.

I found myself smiling and watching him, waiting for his eyes to freerange my way. I tucked my hair behind my ears, twisted my wave ring and wondered if he'd ever find me cool enough.

'Hey watch this!' Tucker yelled out. He climbed up nearby builders' scaffolding and jumped onto the wooden base of the rollercoaster. He began climbing the white trestle frame, as easily as climbing a ladder. His friends were hooting their support. I couldn't work out who was the biggest monkey; Tucker with his climbing, or his friends bouncing around practically tapping their armpits with excitement. Zuri raised her eyebrows at me and I gave her a questioning look back.

'Do you think he'll make it to the top?' Bluesie asked.

'You bet,' Geo said.

I could hear the clacking of the rollercoaster riding around Luna Park, circling the perimeter of the amusement park. The Great Scenic Railway is the show off of St Kilda. The passengers were squealing as their carriages dipped up and down, their hands ascending into the air.

Tucker continued to climb the wooden base, his arms and legs moving with spider-like ease, a glimpse of blonde hair under his beanie, a key chain dangling from his back pocket. He reached the top. The rollercoaster was on the other side of the park.

Okay. That's enough, come down now, you've proved your climbing skills. We see your bravado. But he took it further. He pulled himself onto the tracks. He stood up straight. He jumped and fist pumped the air. He called out 'Hallelujah' with his palms held up to the sky. Then he stood still, his right hand held in a salute, facing the rollercoaster coming towards him.

'Fucking idiot,' I heard a man say nearby.

The rollercoaster rattled along. I resented being there, witnessing this tomfoolery. Ten minutes ago I was enjoying fairy floss with this guy, now I was watching his Russian roulette act. His actions were stupid and dangerous and I felt sick to the core of my stomach. This is how a tragedy happens. I foresaw carriages of passengers veering off the tracks, teens losing their lives, parents who paid $200 for a 'good day out' soaked in their children's blood.

I wanted to yell out 'Get down, get down', but I had no voice. Even Tucker's apish fan-friends had settled down. They were watching him silently, wide-eyed. I grabbed Zuri's hand. She smiled at me. 'It's okay,' she said calmly. 'He'll move.' How do you know, I wondered. How do you know we're not about to witness the greatest theme park tragedy in Australian history? I could hardly breathe. It was a hundred times worse, even, than those conversations with my mother. Because this shit I was watching was real. It was all her warnings rolled into one. Disaster was happening. Right Now.

But then it wasn't.

Tucker swung his body off the tracks. He was climbing down. His fan-friends were laughing and cheering like this had been the greatest entertainment.

'You should've seen your face,' Zuri said, un-gripping her hand from mine. She was laughing.

The rollercoaster now seemed miles away. I'd thought it was about to hit him. Did no one see all that the way I saw it? That man said 'Fucking idiot'. He saw it the way I saw it. It wasn't just me. I was sure.

Tucker's feet landed back on the ground. His smile was over the top, his eyes bursting with fanfare. His mates were saying things like 'that was so cool', 'ripper', 'bloody beauty'. Rozza said, 'gutted I didn't get that on vid, man.'

From the circle of praise, Tucker looked over at me, waiting for a compliment. I couldn't explain the rage and confusion I felt. Should I have been impressed too? Should I have been congratulating him like the others? No. I thought it was stupid and unnecessary. But am I uptight? Have sixteen years of 'be careful' warnings made me a prude?

'I feel sick,' I said. 'I have to go.' Zuri looked like she wanted to stay, so I said, 'You stay. Sorry, I have to go,' and I skated away.