A Reason to Exist

Chapter 9

I was only allowed to talk to dad once a week, on a Wednesday. Mum preferred us to talk to him in the living room rather than in our bedrooms.

'Can you come to the bowl with me on Sunday morning?' I asked over FaceTime. 'Early, like before it gets busy. I want to have a go at the flow. But I'm scared.'

'Sure, that's fine. I'm still scared of the big bowl, you know. I've never done it.'

I smiled. My dad has a way of making me feel better about things. 'Let's go really early. I don't want anyone watching. I feel too self-conscious. Do you think we could get there before seven?'

He laughed, 'Before seven? That's keen. Sure, let's see what we can do. We might have to skip pancakes. Maybe I'll take you out for brunch afterwards on Acland Street.'

Mum was frowning in the kitchen. She hated how much dad took us out to eat. She didn't trust what other people cook. She likes to see exactly what has gone into her food. She's suspicious of MSG and burnt cooking oil. She thinks eating out of home is like being an assayer testing food for the king.

'Is your brother around?'

'Sure, I'll get him.' I walked to Tate's room with the phone in my hand. I heard mum calling out 'In the living room!' I rolled my eyes. I didn't know why she needed to keep an ear on our conversations with dad. When we stayed at his place she couldn't hear what we were saying.

I opened Tate's door.

'Hey knock,' he said.

'Dad's on the phone,' I said. 'It's FaceTime time.' Tate was lying on his bed reading a schoolbook.

'I'm doing homework,' he said.

'Just two minutes.'

Tate shook his head and mouthed the words at me 'I've got nothing to say.' I scrunched my eyebrows up and pressed the phone onto front camera so dad could see him.

'Dad can see you,' I said, 'Speak.' I pressed the phone onto speaker.

Tate took his eye off the page. 'Hi dad.'

'Hey there,' dad said, putting on his most enthusiastic voice. 'How're you doing?'

'Good. Reading.'

'I hear you've got a comp on Saturday. Macy and I will come along. You can come back to my place afterwards. We'll have burgers for dinner from the burger bar.'

Tate stalled. I could see he was torn. 'Mum's taking me to the comp. She's bringing my costume and stuff,' Tate said. 'I'll be tired afterwards. I'd be happier coming back here. Maybe I can come over to yours the week after.' I saw dad run his fingers through his hair, his disappointment displayed on a miniature screen.

'You know, both of us can be at the comp,' dad said. 'We're both your parents and we both love you.'

'I'd prefer to stay focused,' Tate said. I heard mum's footsteps in the hallway. She paused at the door. I wondered if she was going to tell us to move the conversation to the living room. But instead, she just stood there listening.

'Stay focused?' my dad asked, 'How do you mean?'

'Nothing.' There was an awkward silence. It seemed that even dad didn't know what to say. Dad could see Tate on his phone screen, but Tate couldn't see dad and this visual separation drove the silence even deeper.

'I've got something I want to talk to both of you about,' dad said. 'I'd like to have both of you there.'

'Can't it wait?' Tate asked.

'I'd prefer to tell you this weekend.'

'I can't come.'

'Well, I'll come and watch your comp and Macy and I will go out for burgers afterwards. I probably won't be allowed to swap weekends, so I'll see you in two weeks after this one.' I could hear dad's voice running out of steam. 'I'll speak to you next Wednesday. Macy, are you still there? I'll say goodbye.'

I turned the phone camera back to face me and tuned my voice to upbeat. 'See you Friday night, dad. I love you.'

He smiled, gratefully. 'I love you too. So much.'

I pressed end.

'You're a mean idiot,' I said to Tate. I knew mum was out there, but I didn't care. 'Dad's upset now.'

'I've got to stay focused on the comp,' Tate said.

'I don't even know what you mean,' I said. 'Stay focused? Why would dad make you lose focus?'

Mum stepped into the room.

'I bet Sandra is pregnant,' she said, all-knowingly. 'I bet you. That's what they're so desperate to tell you.'

I felt a splinter in my heart. My breath tightened. Tate sucked his lip in with his teeth. 'A baby?' he asked, quietly.

'Now he can ruin another kid's life,' mum said, her voice full of venom.

'We don't know that's what he wants to tell us,' I said.

'You'll see,' mum said. 'I'm trying to prepare you. It's very predictable. Sandra's a woman. She'd want to have kids. She can't muck around much either or she'll be too old.'

'You don't know anything about Sandra,' I said.

'I know enough.' Mum stepped away into the hallway.

When I'd heard her footsteps return to the kitchen, I turned to Tate. He looked upset. 'You should stay over this weekend,' I tried once more.

'I never want to see him,' Tate said.

'We don't know if what mum said is true as yet.'

'It's probably true.' He paused. I wondered if he was going to share anything else, but instead he said, 'Can you go now?'