A Reason to Exist

Chapter 54

It started out okay. Tucker was excited by the challenge. He stood on the first tier of the Shrine of Remembrance, jiggling up and down, shaking his hands in front of his thighs.

'Make sure you've got enough of a lead up,' Lichten yelled. 'You might want to back up a bit.'

I was standing down below, near where Johnny was filming.

Tucker slammed his foot down on the skateboard, flipping it up. He caught the board with his hand and walked back a few steps. He threw his skateboard on the ground and took off, bending his knees. The board glided over the steps. I watched in amazement, thinking he was going to land the trick on the first jump. But then he got to the bottom and fell, his wrists splayed out, his feet draped in the other direction. 'Christ!' he yelled out. An old lady taking a photo of the eternal flame looked over and frowned.

'You did well, man,' Lichten said. 'You nearly landed it.'

Tucker inspected the palms of his hands. 'I'm all right,' he yelled out to me, flashing his most excitable smile. 'That was awesome.'

He attempted to launch down the steps again, and again, and again, each time falling in a more dramatic fashion.

'You need to have more of a run up,' Lichten yelled, 'Go back further.'

I could see a look of 'fuck you' cross over Tucker's eyes. But, he did what he was told. He walked back further to have a longer skate-up. It made no difference, the jump was effortless, but the landing was near impossible. He fell with his elbows and knees and feet scattered.

He did it again and again. He was determined to land the trick, it had become his single mission. It was no longer because he was being told to do it. Now he had to do it for himself. It was almost as if none of us were even there anymore. He was completely focused on the trick. He glided and crashed to the ground. He yelled out an obscenity. He blotted blood with wet wipes. He took a sip of water. He stretched out his neck and rubbed his elbows. He repositioned his beanie. He grabbed the skateboard and ascended the steps again, re-climbing perseverance each time.

'I need heavy duty garden gloves,' Tucker said to Lichten, eventually.

'Okay,' Lichten said. 'We'll break for lunch. I'll send Forbes to the hardware store. I've got baguettes for you both. Don't tell me you're vegan.'

Tucker and I sat under a big elm tree and ate our ham and salad baguettes.

'You're doing well,' I said.

'No, you're doing well,' Tucker said.

'Huh?'

'You're not freaking out.'

I nodded. 'Yeah, for some reason I'm not freaking out. I'm more amazed. Like you're really gliding over those steps. It's cool to watch. I'm in awe.' I touched a nearby wooden stick four times so I didn't jinx his safety. 'I wish I hadn't been brought up to fear everything. I wish I didn't always feel like I had to follow the rules all the time.'

Tucker took my hand. 'You don't fear me.'

'Of course not.'

'We're the scaredy cat and the daredevil,' he said. I laughed because that's exactly who we were. I leaned my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. 'We could be two cartoon characters,' he continued, 'with popping eyes.' He pressed his lips against mine. 'I adore you no matter what,' he said.

'You be careful. I want you in one piece tonight.'

'Absolutely,' he said. And then he looked uncertain. 'You're really sure you want to do this? We're not rushing it, are we? You're not feeling pressured into anything are you? I'd never want you to feel under pressure.'

'Absolutely not. This is what I want. This is my choice.'

He smiled. All of a sudden, he seemed like the scaredy cat and I'm the daredevil.

We saw Forbes walking towards us with the garden gloves.

'Damn,' Tucker said, 'I thought he'd have taken longer than that.' He got up reluctantly and walked over to him. I heard him say, 'Forbes, mate, thank you.'

It started up again, the jumping and falling. My feet became tired of standing, so I sat down on the grass. I started daydreaming and I'd catch my eyes wandering off. I had to remind myself to keep watching. It would be terrible to miss Tucker landing the trick. Watch, I told myself. Watch.

Lichten and Forbes and Johnny remained completely focused. Their words of encouragement were solid, 'you nearly got it that time,' 'that was awesome, man', 'this one for sure'. Yet, again and again, Tucker crash landed. I was amazed at how calm he remained. He was completely unflustered, even though these three guys had been there for over two hours trying to film him landing the trick.

A security guy arrived and stood at the bottom of the steps with his arms folded across his chest. He spoke to someone on his walkie talkie. I could see Lichten and Johnny exchange a look.

Tucker saw him too from the first tier. He waited to see if the guy was going to say something. When he didn't, Tucker backed up and launched off the step, gliding as gracefully as ever. He fell, rolling off his skateboard three times theatrically, before getting up with a massive grin.

'That's enough,' the security guy yelled out.

Tucker grabbed his skateboard. 'Just one more,' he said, excitedly. He raced up the steps, before the guy could say anything. The stakes had risen, the pressure was doubled, fear of failure smacked heads with ambition. Tucker went way back, behind the corner, and took a long-lead launch, flying higher over the steps than he had before, his arms and knees like propellers, his body a keystone of aeronautical engineering. He landed, that familiar smacking of wheels against concrete. I thought he had fallen, he was crouched down so low, but then all of a sudden he was standing and cheering and skating, his fists air pumping. He was shouting out 'yeah, fuck yeah.'

His smile told me that this moment, right now, was why he was happy to fall and hurt himself two hundred times. It's never a failure if he gets this feeling of euphoria, eventually. None of those falls matter. This is the moment that matters. This is what he lives for.

Forbes and Lichten rushed over and wrapped their arms around Tucker. They were all jumping in the air celebrating. 'That was fucking sick,' Forbes yelled out. 'I can't bloody believe it,' Lichten shouted.

The security guy was approaching them. 'All right, man,' Lichten said to the security guy. 'We got what we came from. We're leaving. No need to be so surly. You should count yourself lucky you got to see that. That was the shit. This boy is rubber.' He had his arm folded around Tucker's shoulder. 'We should be drinking champagne,' he yelled out to the Shrine of Remembrance. 'No one is going to believe that shit.'

Tucker released himself from Lichten's hold and walked over to me, beaming. I took his two hands, 'That was amazing,' I said.

'I know, hey! I can't wait to watch it.' He kissed me full on the lips. He tasted like sweat and manhood, salty and raw, his tongue the triumph of the day.

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