A Reason to Exist

Chapter 56

I'd showered, I'd dressed, I'd even applied mum's lipstick. I sprayed perfume to my neck. I looked in the mirror. This is what you looked like when you were a virgin. Remember it. I smiled to myself, excited, looking deeper into my reflection, wondering if I'd see a difference tomorrow after my debut performance.

I knocked on Tucker's front door. He opened, smiling. We hugged, timidly. He'd showered too. The bottom of his hair felt damp. He was wearing aftershave.

'Do you want anything to eat or drink or anything?' We walked down the hallway. It felt odd, but exciting, the first steps of our adventure.

'No, I'm fine.'

He closed the door of his bedroom and we sat on his bed, awkwardly, holding hands. Skate posters covered his walls like wallpaper. There was a skateboard hanging over his bed. His doona cover was navy blue. His pillowcases were white with navy blue stars.

'I like your room.'

He kissed me. I was pleased, because I didn't know what else to say. I wasn't there to speak. I was there to feel.

We kissed slowly and long. It was me that reached my fingertips under his t-shirt to feel the flesh around his hipbone. This set off a chain reaction – his top off, muscles and tone, my top off, pale skin, underwire bra, there were fingertips and pinches and kisses and sweet sighs of excitement, and socks off and jeans off, he had Calvin Klein boxer shorts, his underwear was better than mine, and now there were more fingers and I was pressing against him with my hand, feeling his desire equalling mine, and then there was frenzy until we were both completely naked and he was looking at my wide-eyed, as if to say 'what now?'

Tucker pulled a condom on. I finally felt as though my body knew what to do. I swung him flat onto the bed and I straddled my legs around his hips. I eased myself gently over him. He was inside of me. We were connected in the truest sense, one divine being, no music, just the rhythm of our breaths and our hearts and our senses, riding the king tide of desire.

I pushed my chest closer to his, kissed him harder, I shined myself against him. This is the archaeology of sensation, the discovery of the oldest thrill known to humankind. This is the original daredevil. Our bodies are primal. Here are new sounds, new feelings, new scents, a new consciousness. This is every power ballad every sung. This is getting to the front of a long queue and being upgraded to first class. This is landing the greatest trick.

He squinted his eyes and moaned, his body jolting with the final spasms of pleasure. I slowed down. I knew intuitively he was done. I lay my chest flat against his chest and he held me gently at the back of the head, burying his nose into my neck. We listened to our fading breaths, felt the slowing of our hammering hearts. We lay in the warmth of our love, too precious to speak. I felt him slip out of me.

Tears came to my eyes. I was so grateful. My first time was beautiful, with someone I love. No pain. No blood. No shame. I found my courage, the confidence in my body. I rode through new territory. I sat on top. I took charge. I steered our journey through pleasure. I discovered something in me that I never knew existed.

'Macy, that was beautiful,' Tucker said. He was grateful too. This was his first true time. 'Who would've known, hey? For someone who's never done a cartwheel, you have no fear with that.' He brushed hair from my face and kissed me gently on the neck. 'Did I ... you know, too soon?'

'No.'

'But you didn't ...'

'Don't worry, we have all the time in the world to explore this together.'

'You're not disappointed?'

'Oh my god, shut up. I loved it.'

'Me too. Sorry. I'm just a quivering fool around you. I don't know ... I told you I'm hopeless.'

'Stop apologising.'

'I just love you. I want everything to be perfect.'

'I love you too,' I dipped my head down and I kissed him lightly on the forehead. This was the boy who leaped over a flight of steps today, over and over again, with such determination. He is bold and daring, made up of skin and bone and backbone, but in this bed he is unsure and sentimental. He is courage and mush, lion and pussycat.

'You are perfect for me,' Tucker said and he gifted me his most gigantic smile. 'Sometimes I fear that I adore you pathologically.'

'I adore you in the same way,' I whispered. 'I want to put you in a little matchbox and carry you around in my pocket all day.'

I rolled off his chest and onto my back and I lay there looking up at his ceiling. He eased his arm under my head and we lay like that for some time.

'You're not sore?' I asked.

'What, from today?'

'Yeah.'

He closed his eyes. 'A bit.'

'It was full on watching you jump down those steps. I felt as though your body was about to snap in half.'

'It bounces back well. My body knows what it's doing.'

I smiled into the night, finally understanding what he meant. My body just understood what it was doing; it took on a life of its own, separate from my mind. All I had to do was trust in it.

'I better go,' I said, remembering reality. 'Not sure what time mum and Tate will be home.'

He raised himself up on his elbows and looked at me intensely. 'I want to remember the look of your face with its first post-lovemaking afterglow.' He stared at me for some time. 'There is nothing so beautiful,' he said and then he kissed me and it made me so excited I wanted to do it all over again, if it weren't for being sneaky and having to get home.

I pulled away. 'I can't wait until next time,' I whispered. I sat up, pulling the bed sheet towards me and slipping my feet out of the bed, suddenly self-conscious in my nakedness. I bent down and found my clothes on the floor and dressed under the covers.

Tucker was bold in his nakedness. He walked me to the door nude and gave me a passionate kiss that took all of my willpower to walk away from.