A Reason to Exist

Chapter 41

After the rock climbing, we caught a train to the zoo. We ate fish and chips for lunch behind the children's merry go round.

'The first thing my dad taught me when I started riding was how to fall well. It's the most important lesson. He'd trip me up on the bike, so that I could land well. It's all about where we place our wrists and elbows.' Tucker held out his hands and demonstrated. 'It's all you need to know, he'd say. If you can fall well, you can get back up.'

I took a bite of my fish. 'I live my life avoiding falling. I hate it.'

'Yeah, but it's how we reverse that thought. How can we fall really well? The subtle art of falling.' He laughed at himself and repositioned his cap.

'So how come we're at the zoo? You're not going to make me do something crazy like swim with the sharks or something?'

'Yeah, nah. Like I'm not going to make you do anything crazy. I do want to show you something, though.'

I raised my eyebrows. But he wouldn't tell me anything just yet.

We walked through the elephant path holding hands, kissing under the bamboo, and continued past the monkeys to the orang-utan enclosure. We looked through the glass window where an orang-utan had pulled a blanket around himself and was wearing it like a cloak.

'They're so human-like,' I said.

'Exactly. This is what I wanted to show you. Watch.'

The orang-utan threw the blanket off, stood up and swung off a rope, launching himself from one rope to another.

'So primates are our ancestors, yeah?' Tucker said.

'Yeah.'

'Well, what if this is how we were made to behave? Look, he's up three storeys and there's no platform, nothing to save him if he falls. He's happy, yeah? He's going for it, just swinging along. This is how we were created. It's almost unnatural that us humans aren't all climbing and swinging from trees all the time. No one is around to say "be careful" to this orang-utan, hey?'

'I guess.'

'So our fear of falling is a human construct.'

'Well, we're more intelligent,' I said.

'But are we?'

I looked at the orang-utan. 'I don't know,' I said. I grabbed Tucker around the waist and drew him closer to my hip. 'But I like your logic.'

'You need to channel your ancient ancestors more,' Tucker said.

I laughed. 'Yeah, maybe.'

He pushed some hair away from my cheek and said, 'I'm proud of you, what you did today. I could tell you were scared of the rock climbing, but you did it anyway. You pushed through.'

I leant my head against his chest and closed my eyes. He kissed me on the top of my head.

'I'll take you out of your comfort zone but I'll never put you in danger,' he whispered.

We sat on a bench overlooking the outdoor orang-utan enclosure. Two orang-utans were getting frisky on a platform together.

Tucker smiled and said, 'Hey look, I think they're about to get it on. None of the mind games us humans play? Just plain and simple sex. Wish it could be that easy, hey?'

I laughed, but felt discomfort in my belly, knowing almost nothing about sex. I liked kissing, but please, please don't ask me about sex. I don't want to tell you I'm a virgin. Or that I've been mostly disinterested in it. Or that sometimes it shocks me. Just last week, my friend Maddy lost her virginity at 9.20am in the morning, after her parents went to work, with a guy who worked with her at Burger King. They'd only gotten together two days before. I couldn't imagine anything more tacky than morning sex in your own bed with a guy who smelt like cheeseburgers.

'You ever done it?' Tucker asked, straight up.

'No.' I shook my head. 'I'm wanting it to be extra special, if you know what I mean.'

'Yeah, me too. I mean, that was what I was hoping. Don't think anything less of me or nothing, but it didn't quite happen that way. It was the most underwhelming experience of my life. An anti-climax. A big regret. Wish I'd waited for someone like you to come along. I'm hopeless with girls. Guess I never even imagined I'd meet someone special.'

There was a real sadness on his face. He picked a small rock out from the groove in the sole of his shoe and tossed it on the ground.

'What happened?'

'I had this mate, and he was really, you know, sexually active with this chick, this older girl, and she had a friend. I don't know. Maybe I felt sorry for the friend. Or bored. Or whatever. But it was terrible. No poetry, if you know what I mean. Nothing was like what I'd been lead to believe.'

'Sorry to hear that.'

'Yeah, well. My own fault for not being patient. I'm so hopeless with girls. They fill me with terror. Like I can't even believe someone like you is sitting here with me.'

'I can't believe you feel that way. You're so confident in every other way.'

'I'm good with guys. I'm good with teachers. Girls, I don't know, I can't even look at them without becoming a mess. I used to have a blushing problem, like hardcore. A girl would look at me, and bang, fire engine red. It's made me mostly avoid them. Except if they're a mate.'

'I'd have no idea,' I said, my heart swelling more and more for this guy.

'Yeah, well ... it's not a problem for the animal kingdom. Just look at them.'