A Reason to Exist

Chapter 30

We took a bus and two trains to get to Tottenham Station. We arrived ten minutes early and looked around, finding no one we knew.

'I wonder where this party is?' Zuri said.

We stood in front of the station master's door and checked ourselves out in the reflection of the window. I readjusted my maroon beanie, hitched my skinny black jeans up and smoothed out my red and white check shirt under my black puffer jacket. Zuri was wearing denim shorts, a black t-shirt and a colourful 80s windbreaker.

I looked at my watch. Zuri's parents had told us to catch an Uber home at midnight. They'd downloaded the app onto her phone and shown us how to use it. It was a grand act of trust on their behalf. Their only warning for the night: 'Make sure you stick with each other and come back together.'

I heard the percussive rolling of skateboard wheels. I looked towards the pedestrian ramp and saw Tucker, riding towards us, three of his friends following. He was wearing red Vans, baggy black pants, a yellow Brixton tee and a khaki hoodie jacket, unzipped. His black cap was worn backwards.

He stepped off his skateboard and said 'Geez, that was a mission to get here.'

'We know,' Zuri said. 'It took ages.'

'Bloody hell, I've never been to this side of the city before,' said Rozza who I recognised from that day at Luna Park. He took his phone out and looked at the screen. 'Google maps says it's a twenty minute walk.'

One of the other guys groaned. Bluesie said, 'Don't be a whinger, let's go. It'll be worth it.'

We headed off. Zuri walked next to Rozza and Tucker dropped back to walk alongside me, holding his skateboard in his other hand.

'How's my princess?' he whispered in my ear.

'Great. Happier, because I'm with you finally. It feels like forever since we saw each other.'

'Tell me about it. It was just Wednesday, yeah? But it feels like a lifetime ago.'

'Sorry about my mum,' I said.

'Stop apologising for her. You can't help it.' He smiled and took my hand. It felt like whiplash in my stomach. 'Your hand is so smooth and tiny,' he said, 'delicate like you.' He squeezed my fingers together.

'Have you ever been to this place before?' I asked.

'Nah, but I've heard about it. It's legendary. It's an old two-storey indoor skate park, but it's been left to ruin. They call it The Ghetto. Some guys organise a party a few times a year. I've heard they bring in a punk band and it goes through the roof, but I've never been. It's the first time we've been able to score an invite.'

'How'd you get invited?'

'A friend who knows a guy who knows a guy.'

'I'm feeling lucky now.'

'You should,' he said, looking me right in the eye. 'You're lucky for a number of reasons.'

'Ha,' I said, trying to maintain eye contact, despite these sky-high feelings giving me vertigo.

'You'll feel lucky when we kiss later on,' he said.

'Really?'

'Yeah. And you'll feel lucky when I tell you that you're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.' I smiled, levitating rather than walking across the footpath. 'And that every thought in between is somehow constructed to you. I've basically lost my mind over you. Like, if they analysed my brain, all it would say is Macy.'

I loved the ease with which he shared all of this, the way he uncovered his emotions as if he was throwing back the bed sheet. I'd had twenty million thoughts about him over the last couple of days and I couldn't find the courage to express even one. I felt emotionally stunted. I couldn't say a word. When did it become so hard to express the way I felt?

The language of love was foreign. Talk like this happens on the other side of the world between star-crossed lovers in walled cities with Baroque churches. Talk like this most definitely doesn't happen to someone like me wearing white no-brand sneakers on the way to a party at a skating place nicknamed 'The Ghetto'.

Think quickly, I told myself. Say something loving.

But every coherent thought had disappeared. A wordless revelation of snakes falling down ladders. Nothing made sense. So I did the only thing that felt like speech. I kissed him hard on the lips. This was my way of saying something loving. When words fail, a kiss will pass the test. We kissed and kissed, our tongues taking their time to find a together rhythm, our eyelashes blinking thanks to the certainty of chance.

This feeling of closeness made me want to zip off my skin and stuff myself into his mouth. I wanted to turn into golden dust and settle on his shoulders. I was a tree uprooted, a boat that had lost its mooring, a wallet left on a tram. I was disembodied by this kiss, this hand in my hair, the words of affection that rang in my ear like the aftermath of a teenage anthem.

'I knew I'd love kissing you,' Tucker whispered. 'I've thought about this moment so many times. It keeps me awake at night. It's even better in reality.'

Bloody hell, not this talking thing again. I pushed my lips against his and plugged his words with my tongue.

He pulled away, saying, 'It's so weird to finally be right where I've wanted to be for weeks. Like I've thought about this so much, and now I'm here. We're doing this. I can't believe it.' His smile was so big and happy and grateful, his face glowing in the moonlight. He grabbed me by the shoulders and drew me close to his neck and kissed me on the top of the head. 'This is the biggest thrill ever,' he announced.

He kissed me again and again on the top of the head. With each kiss I was reassured that he felt the way I felt. I was safe to share my feelings.

'I adore you,' I whispered. 'I've never felt this way before.'

'Me neither,' he said. 'This is all new for me too.'

We held hands, standing outside someone's house, their light on in the front room. I could see Tucker's face clearly. We stared into one another's eyes and smiled, having just entered the gateway of each other's heart.

'I never want this feeling to end,' Tucker said. 'I want to feel like this, how I feel right now, for the rest of my life. It's a big call. Like I hope it doesn't scare you off, but I love this feeling.'

'Me too. That doesn't scare me off. It's exactly how I feel. I'm scared of this feeling ever ending.'

'Totally. I hope you don't think I'm a pansy. I know guys don't talk this way, but I want to share everything with you.'

'I love your openness,' I said. 'Always be open with me, yeah?'

'Always.' He bent his head down and found my lips again. This gorgeous skater was doing tricks with my heart. He was daring and experimental, but gentle.

We heard someone shout out 'Cooee' so forcefully dogs started barking in the neighbourhood.

'Was that for us?' I asked.

'Yeah I think so.'

I laughed. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it like before. 'Come on, we better go,' he said. 'A shame, as I could kiss you here all night.'

'We have the whole night for sneaky kisses,' I said, surprised that I could speak this language of love after all.