A Reason to Exist

Chapter 35

I was typing an essay in Indonesian on my laptop when a message popped up on my screen from Tucker King.

'Can you meet me over at the beach for a walk?'

My heart triple front flipped

'Sure, when?' I typed back immediately.

'Now.'

'Cool. I'll be there soon.' I grabbed a cardigan from my drawer, looked at myself in the dresser mirror and readjusted my hair. I rehearsed a smile.

'I'm going for a walk,' I told mum as I walked through the kitchen. The house was starting to smell like a butcher's shop. She must've been cooking bone broth.

'Who with?'

I paused. 'Tucker from next door.'

Mum opened the slow cooker lid, checked the bones and replaced the lid. 'Where are you walking to?'

'Just over at the beach.'

'Cross at the lights.'

'Okay.'

'Don't go barefoot on the sand, it's full of needles from the St Kilda junkies.'

'All right.'

I wrapped my arms around me as I walked down my street. The air was cooler than I'd thought, the sunshine out my window was deceptive. With each step I became more and more excited about seeing Tucker, imagining us starting up where we left off the night before, in a beautiful passionate kiss that charged my body right down to the soles of my feet.

I crossed at the lights, waiting for what seemed like ten minutes for the pedestrian man to change glowing from red to green. I couldn't help but run across the road, despite a lifetime of being told not to run across roads. On the other side, I slowed down and caught my breath. I walked through the parkland, wondering where Tucker was going to be. Meeting at the beach was vague. I resented not having a phone and being forced to cross at lights, a five-minute extra walk up from our street. I felt lost and unsure and like life was tougher than necessary.

And then he was there, walking towards me with a black beanie, strutting a smile. I'm this boy's greatest fan. I wear a devotional t-shirt for him. He is a tune stuck in my mind, an ink stain that won't wash away. He is a love heart birthmark in the crease of my ring finger. I carry the placard that worships him. Adoration rolls out red carpet and whispers 'I want you'.

I wrapped my arms around him and placed my head in the negative space beside his neck. 'I've missed you,' I said.

He kissed my forehead. 'Me too. It's crazy.'

'You've awoken something in me. I thought my heart was dead. But you make me feel alive.' I was stunned at my own words. Where did this loving honesty come from? This guy has broken down my walls. My heart no longer requires life support, it beats strongly on its own. Love rises from her coma and sings 'hallelujah'. It's a miracle.

He kissed me on the lips. I felt lightheaded, dizzy and so excited my tongue forgot how to move and my lungs couldn't recall how to breathe. We kissed for a long time, his thumb drawing a line around my ear, my forehead, brushing my eyebrow, my eyelid, following the line of my cheekbone. His touch was a super power.

He stopped kissing and placed his hands on my cheeks and looked deep into my eyes. 'What happened to you last night? You both disappeared. I didn't know what happened.'

'Oh.' Last night returned to haunt me. I heard his body smashing to the ground in my ears. How could I explain? I placed my fingers in my hair and flicked my fringe to the side. Last night we promised to be open with each other. 'I'm a scaredy cat,' I said, finally.