A Reason to Exist

Chapter 17

Dad dropped me off outside the house.

'I don't even want to go in,' I said.

'Macy, you have to go. I should have had you back by five. We both know how your mother is.'

'I feel sorry for you,' I said. 'I feel sorry for me too. She's out of control.' I looked at the stepping-stones in my front garden leading up to the door of my house and felt only dread. I took a deep breath in and said, 'Thanks for today. It was really special.'

Dad squeezed my hand. 'It was special for me too.'

I kissed dad on his cheek.

'Be good,' he said. 'Your mum loves you.' It was the ultimate form of goodwill from my father. My mother treats him like a monster and still he displays only kindness towards her. He never, ever says a bad word.

I grabbed my skateboard and backpack from the back seat and closed the car door quietly, giving my dad one final reassuring smile. I walked up to the house of doom, using my key to open the door. I didn't want to see her. I walked down the hallway to my room, closing the door after me.

Every piece of furniture in my room, every object was loaded with defamation. That bedspread from Adairs, those custom-made curtains, that stupid air purifier was homeware of oppression. This was supposed to be my home, my happy place, my safe place. How come it felt as though I'd walked into an underground bunker in a war zone?

I walked into the kitchen. I didn't want to hide in my window-dressed hovel. I wanted to face her head on.

Of course she was at the kitchen bench, where she lives, grating zucchini.

'I had the best day ever,' I said, smiling.

She looked up at me and squinted.

'Dad and I spent the whole morning at the skate park practicing tricks. Then we went out for the best brunch on Acland Street. And then he took me out to The Shed in Cranbourne. There was a foam pit and an airbag. My skating has improved exponentially.' I was right up close to the kitchen bench. She paused, the zucchini held in mid-air. I smiled even wider. I spoke slowly and clearly. 'Dad is great. I love spending time with him, one on one. He is so fun.'

She placed the zucchini down on the bench. Her lips were pursed tight together, aged wrinkles around her mouth.

I leaned in and forced lightness into my voice. 'Oh and Sandra's not pregnant. You were wrong. She can't have children. She said that's why it's such a blessing to have Tate and I in her life. She's so kind.'

I straightened my back. I'd given my final blow. My mother can call the police on my father and I can love him even more. There's no court orders in the world that can stop me from loving him.

Her eyes filled with tears. Her silent ammunition had no affect on me. There was a new buffer around my heart. I'd discovered anti-manipulation pepper spray, I could shake it and use it whenever I wanted. I grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl, took a noisy bite and I looked straight into those tears of hers. I showed no emotion, made no apology and turned away.