A Reason to Exist

Chapter 61

Some punk guy had the keys and let us in to the warehouse in Braybrook. It felt eerily empty, compared to that night of the party. There was sunlight shining through the windows and the graffiti was full of colour. Tucker took my hand and squeezed in tenderly. 'All right?' he asked.

'Yeah,' I said. Yet suddenly, my heart was beating faster. I'd been so loved up it'd been like a beta-blocker to my fears. Now, I remembered that sound of Tucker jumping from the rafters, of those wheels squealing across the bowl, of his body slamming against the floor. My chest tightened and my breath shallowed and suddenly I felt as though I was dog paddling against rapids in a river. 'Don't worry,' he said. 'I think I've figured out how to do this.'

I stylised a smile for him. Somehow, though, a hysterical voiceover broadcasted severe warnings through a megaphone on a faulty power pole in my mind. This is not an emergency drill this is actual danger. We need to evacuate and find our safe place; in bed, under the covers, hearts beating, hands touching, whispering words of love in each other's ears. He doesn't need to do this outlandish trick for the Americans. This is stupid.

'You sure you're okay?'

'Of course,' I lied. I wanted to be okay. Yet it didn't feel okay. Maybe it was just me and my incessant thoughts. Why can't I be carefree like everyone else around here?

The punk took us up the stairs. I could hear him telling the Americans, 'yeah, a bunch of us built the bowl ourselves. It was originally made with proper timber, but Ango wanted it painted two years back. We used pool tiles as the coping.'

'Sick man,' Forbes said.

We stepped onto the landing and I saw the scene again from that night of the party. I was reminded of that suffocating feeling of dread I felt watching the boy I adore attempt something so daring. The drop from the rafters was long and fast and sharp and the chances of him actually landing on his skateboard were slim. Why do it?

Am I a good girlfriend if I can't believe in him? Why doubt? Am I just like my mother who doubts the possibility of everything?

Tucker tucked then untucked his new red Supreme t-shirt into the band of his pants. His eyes looked bluer and I felt as though I'd never seen him looking so handsome. Maybe it was that softness in his expression. There was something in his eyes that made me realise he's unsure too. He'd finally found something worth staying safe for – me.

I really had become a reason to exist.

'You'll be great,' I said, trying to be reassuring.

He drew out a smile and we kissed, holding each others' hands, solar powering the grid between our hearts.

He grabbed his skateboard and jumped up to the rafter. I checked my watch. It was almost 3pm already, I needed to be home by 5pm for Tate's show. I was way over on the other side of the city. If I'm late, I'll be in trouble.

Tucker crawled out on the rafter holding his skateboard under one arm. He placed the skateboard under his feet and held himself in a crouching position for a moment. He looked at me and smiled, melting my temple of heaven. I smiled back and I mouthed the words 'I love you'. His mouth dropped open, he looked down like he was about to go, hesitated, looked up again at me and smiled. He jumped.

The board fell first, fast and furious, and rolled. I saw Tucker's body smash to the ground. His head bounced on the timber, his arms and legs looked wrong. When I saw the blood stream from his head I screamed. Then, I was strangled with such terror I couldn't breathe.