A Reason to Exist

Chapter 22

'Macy! Macy!' Tate called out. He popped his head into my room and said 'Tucker is here.' I acted surprised, despite having had four outfit changes since I got home from school.

I walked past mum, folding washing on the kitchen table. I found Tucker standing on our doorstep, awkwardly, a box of Guylian chocolates in his hand.

'These are for you,' he said. 'I bought them. And then, I was like shit, I realised maybe you don't eat stuff like this and I'm like damn, should've bought some flowers or something.'

I took the box of chocolates, adoring his blundering before he'd even stepped in the door. It was so at odds with how confident he is on skate wheels.

'Thank you. It's very kind of you. I didn't expect these.'

He followed me down the hallway. Mum spotted the chocolates and said, 'None of those before dinner.' Then she remembered her manners and said 'Hello.'

'Hi,' Tucker replied, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down at the floorboards.

'You're the boy next door, aren't you?' mum asked.

'Yeah.'

'You all settled in?'

'I guess.' Tucker smiled. 'It's nice here,' he added. 'I like this street and everything. So close to the shops. The esplanade. The beach. The skate park. It's cool.'

'Pleased to hear,' mum said and went back to folding the washing.

I put the chocolates on the bench. 'Want a drink or anything?' I asked casually, resenting how my mother was always in the heart of the house. There's no privacy around here. There was no way she was going to let us sit in my bedroom. I didn't want to sit in the lounge room where she was going to listen to everything. I wish she had some hobbies - a yoga class or still life workshop. Or a Tinder date. But she's always, always here.

'Nah,' Tucker said. 'I'm fine.'

'Why don't we go and sit outside?' I suggested. 'It's nice out there.'

I opened the glass sliding door and we slipped outside to the backyard.

'Wow, you guys have a lot of shit growing out here,' Tucker said, taking in the six raised veggie gardens that took up most of the outdoor space.

'Yeah, mum likes to grow as much as possible, so she knows exactly what's going into our food. It's all organic. She's got her own expert gardener.'

'Cool,' Tucker said. 'My mum even kills cactuses.'

We stepped off our small deck and walked past the veggie boxes to the back of the garden and sat on a white wooden bench seat under a silver birch tree.

'This is very civilised,' Tucker said. 'We should be drinking Earl Grey tea.'

'Do you want some? I can make it.'

'Nah, nah. Just kidding.' He looked awkward again. We were silent for a moment. It felt strange to be sitting in my backyard. I felt more comfortable with Tucker anywhere else but here. 'How was your day?' he asked eventually.

'Okay,' I said. I took an involuntary gasp of air. 'I felt a bit panicky in science class. The teacher asked a question, and then bam, my heart was racing again.' I didn't know why I was telling him this when I hadn't even told Zuri. 'And then I felt all panicky about getting panicky. It was like this motor racing around in my head. I don't want it to become a thing.'

'Bloody hell,' Tucker said. 'I hope it's not going to become a thing. The mind is so powerful. It's a powerhouse. A HQ. It's where everything is going on.' His smile was soothing. 'A science question can make anyone feel panicky. Don't overthink it. What was the question?'

'About photosynthesis.'

'Photosynthesis. That topic is like snipers shooting down innocent students. No wonder. What's your teacher's name?'

'Mrs Miller.'

'Hardcore bitch,' he said. I giggled. His words blocked the nerves that carried pain to my brain. His smile ironed out the wrinkles in my heart. 'You're so pretty when you smile,' he said. 'So delicate. It's like you're the girl I've been waiting my whole life to meet.' He covered his mouth with his hands and opened his eyes up wide. 'Did I just say that?' he mumbled through his fingers. 'I've got a dissociative mouth.'

Right then, I wanted to kiss that dissociative mouth so badly. I wanted to taste what Tucker tastes like after 4pm on a Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to push my chest against his and feel his heartbeat. I wanted to take his scarred hand and squeeze it so hard I'd verify I was alive. I was hearing string instruments in my ears. The overture was scored. The tempo begins. The mood is now.

Kiss me, I was thinking. I heard a low growl. Perhaps Tucker was feeling primal like me? But then he stood up and yelled 'No Diesel, no!' And that big stupid dog bound over the fence. The makeshift lattice crashed to the ground. Diesel jumped up on mum's raised vegetable box, crushing zucchinis and tomato plants nurtured from seed. He sat on top of the box, his chest muscular and heaving, and barked fiercely at Tucker.

'Sorry boy, sorry. You heard my voice, hey? You wanted to see what was going on?' Tucker spoke to the big hairy beast like he was a toddler. 'Get off, get off. We're in big shit now,' he said, using the palms of his hands to encourage Diesel off the vegetable box. 'Get off.'

'Get him out!' mum shrieked from the kitchen window. She was so scared of the dog she wouldn't even step outside. She'd wound the window open and was yelling through the gap. 'Get him out!'

'So sorry Mrs ...' Tucker turned to me. 'What's her name?'

'Granger,' I said.

'So sorry Mrs Granger,' Tucker yelled.

'Don't Mrs me!' she yelled. 'Just get him out. Tell your mum to fix the fence. Properly!'

Tucker grabbed Diesel by the collar and turned to me. 'The universe is conspiring to stop me from kissing you.' He winked. I was melting with adoration and suffering from humiliation at the same time. He dragged Diesel by the collar towards our side gate. I followed like I was watching a projection of Tucker I could see but not touch. They were struggling and I was struggling. I didn't know how long I'd have to wait for another moment like the moment I almost just had.

I opened the side gate and watched as Tucker dragged Diesel back to his place, hunched over, but smiling. Still smiling.