A Reason To Go On

Chapter 19

Alexia's POV

Its been three weeks since i was allowed to leave the hospital and a month since my confrontation with my parents and Jayden over the baby. Jayden has finally got me to agree to meet him today, i really didn't want to but knowing he wouldn't drop the subject i finally agreed, it helped that he said i would never have to see him again after today. So here i am sitting in the cafe waiting for him, we arranged to meet at 2pm, but my mum and dad were driving me crazy at home, so needing to get out of the house Ive arrived two hours early. As i sit drinking my hot chocolate i cant help but reflect on what my life has become. Wheres the happy go lucky girl i used to be? She seems like a distant memory now, now Ive become bitter and angry, but i cant seem to snap myself out of it. My body has healed almost completely but my brain and heart seem shattered beyond repair. My mum has been making me see a therapist nearly everyday, shes diagnosed me with severe depression and postnatal depression, and is trying to help me work through it. The problem is i seem to be constantly surrounded in darkness even when I'm awake. Everything looks dull and lifeless, and i never seem to see any light, its like the all the bright colors has been drained from the world leaving every things miserable and grey.

My family keeps bringing up the baby and i even had Jaydens parents try to change my mind a few times. I tend to drone them out when they start talking about the baby, i just don't want to listen to yet another thing i failed at.

A couple of days ago i saw some pictures of the baby, my mum tried to put the photos away before i saw them, as i told them i wasn't interested and my therapist 'suggested' respecting my wishes to help with my recovery. Anyway after she put the photos away she left the room, she seems to do that a lot now with me. When i first came home she kept smothering me until i could no longer take it and exploded at her, i know she didn't deserve most the things i said but i couldn't seem to get my mouth to stop. Now we are barely talking. After she left the room curiosity got the best of me and i pulled the photos out. The thing i remember from the hospital looked different in the pictures. He was obviously bigger and even though he looked just like Jayden, i no longer thought of him as Jayden while looking through the pictures. Scanning through the photos i noticed everyone looking at him with adoration and love, and felt a little pang in my chest. I don't know why but even though hes cute i just couldn't muster up any emotion of anything close to love. I stopped at a picture of Jayden holding the baby, he looked so happy looking at his son, i felt glad the baby has people in his life that clearly care about him, even if i cant.

I continue sitting in the cafe patiently, thinking about what people would say if they knew what i was planning after this meeting is over. Finally deciding that the world would be a better place without me in it, Ive decided to do the world a favour. My wolf wont talk to me because she believes i need to fight, but Ive got no energy to fight anymore, and i can accept what my fate needs to be now. My therapist actually thinks I'm getting better as i no longer refer to the baby as an 'it'. Apparently my brain did that so i could separate myself from a situation i wasn't ready to deal with. She thinks that even though I'm still going to be needing therapy for a while to sort out my emotions that shes confident i can make a good recovery and eventually become the girl i lost a while back. The problem is i don't want to be that girl again, i know she was weak, she should have stood up for herself more instead of letting people walking all over her, i mean why would anyone actually want to return back to being like that? Thinking of how i used to be makes me sad and angry at myself, no wonder Jayden found me so pathetic, i am pathetic, i couldn't be a good mate and i know i'd make a terrible mother. The latter actually upset me the most, i know i said i didn't want a relationship with the baby and i meant every word, but seeing those pictures the other day, the realization of what Ive actually done set in. Thinking back to how cruel i have been to someone so innocent, a baby that has done nothing wrong, and didn't ask to be born, it made me physically sick. I know im a bad person, and my baby doesn't deserve to be surrounded by my darkness, hes needs to be surrounded by light and people that will love and protect him, all the things i cant do for him. 

Finally making a decision that has nothing to do with what best for me, but whats best for my son Ive decided to give up my parental right, its the only thing i can do for him before i plan on leaving this world forever. That way Jayden can continue raising him, and i know from what my parents have mentioned hes doing a really good job, and hopefully Jayden can find someone else to be a mother to him, he deserves to have the best of everything and i know that cant include me. The waitress interrupts my thoughts "Would you like a refill?" realizing that my drink is now stone cold i agree and sit patiently for her to come back. I didn't hear him come in so it takes me by surprise when i hear his voice "hello Alexia".

I look up to see Jayden stood there looking down at me with a small smile on his face, looking away to the floor i notice the baby car seat hes holding in his hand, i cant see the baby as the seat is turned away from me. The waitress comes back and Jayden takes the seat opposite from me after giving her his drink order. We sit in silence both in our own thoughts "They you both go" the waitress says, i hear Jayden thanking her while i continue looking down. The silencing is deafening between us and no one seems to want to say the first word to break the tension that's surrounded us. "His name is Ryder if your interested" Jayden finally says, i look up at him and notice hes staring intently at me waiting for my reaction. I look away quickly so i don't get caught up in his eyes, nothing good ever comes from staring into those green eyes. "Oh" is the only thing i say, no one has actually told me his name before, and Ive never asked, it wasn't a name i was expecting but i quite like it. I hear Jaydens phone ring, i glance at him out of the corner of my eye to see whats taking him so long to answer it, and notice he seems to be struggling to find it in his large 'man bag'. The phone cuts off but he continues looking for it, what could be so important that he needs it away? i think to myself. Finally finding it i hear a "ah ha", i look up to see Jayden now standing, "sorry i really need to call this person back, ill be right back", before i have a chance to say anything hes gone. Well this meeting in going well i think to myself, i don't know why he couldn't just give me the papers to sign and be on his way.

A loud crashing sound breaks me out of my thoughts and i look up to see the waitress from earlier trying to quickly clean up all the broken plates she seems to have dropped, I'm about to pick up my cup to take a sip of my coco when i hear a baby crying. I look around the cafe trying to see where the noise is coming from, and realize that the people in the cafe seem to all be looking at me. Feeling self conscious i look to the floor, and that's when i see the car seat, Jayden must have left it here when he left. I look out the window for him but i cant see him, he'll be back any second i chant to over and over to myself, as the baby continues to cry. I hear a lady sat at a table near me tutting at me, trying to stop the baby crying i try to rock the car seat, but it doesn't work, he seems to cry harder. I turn the car seat around so its facing me and notice the baby has tears in his eyes from all the crying hes doing.

I'm not sure what happens next, one minute I'm observing him crying and the next hes in my arms. Its like my body moved on its own accord. As soon as the baby is in my arms i notice he stops crying immediately, looking around the cafe i still cant see Jayden, but at least people aren't giving me disapproving looks now. I hear a gurgling sound and look down, the baby is looking up at me, knowing he has my full attention now he gives me the most amazing smile. Suddenly my world seems a little brighter, hes making cute little noises at me and i mimic him causing him to smile again at me. The hard case Ive surrounded my heart with seems to be cracking, i notice these are the most positive my thoughts have been in weeks. Looking at this baby, my baby, i wonder if he could actually be my reason to go on?