Loser

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I couldn't get Mom before she went into her next conference

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I couldn't get Mom before she went into her next conference. I had felt I needed her earlier but by that point I moved on. I was glad not to have to divulge what was making me so upset. I don't think I could have explained it, even if I was willing to tell her about it. It felt good to snuggle into my warm bed at my grandparents' house. It just felt like home no matter how shit the day was. I rolled to the middle of the full-size bed pulling the cotton sheets and quilt up to my neck. I laid on my back staring up at the patterns on the ceiling.

I could hear the dog from a street over. The owners left him tied out back sometimes. He'd bark all through the night as if he were calling out to someone far away. It never bothered me that much, other than wanting to go untie him and bring him in with me. He sounded so forlorn. His barks were distant, muted and more elongated, like moans. He cried out steadily all through the night, and I wondered who he was calling for. I felt sorry for him, but I also envied how vocal he was. He may have been lonely, but he had the guts to let the world know. I wish I could have given a voice to the way I felt.

The next morning, I woke to my grandparents scurrying about in the kitchen. I could smell sausage frying, and I heard my grandad talking about where the water lines would take him that day as he opened the fridge for the gallon jug of milk. There was a pause and then I heard my grandmother say, "What was that dern dog barking at last night?"

"The moon I guess." My granddad said with a level of certainty.

Is that all it was? I couldn't help but smile. Poor "Forlorn-ed" and me. Even if you did tell the world, there wasn't much they could do about it. I laughed to myself as I pushed out of bed. It was much colder out that day, almost freezing. Maybe the groundhog saw his shadow after all and we were in our "6 more weeks of winter phase." I didn't care though... it was time to shake things up and start living again. If "Forlorn-ed" could do enough about it to keep the whole neighborhood up while on a chain, so could I.

I ignored the temperature and went to my sock drawer to the specialty side where all of my tights were folded securely in one of mom's lingerie bags I had swiped, so they would remain snag free. I loved tights. They had been my favorite stocking stuffer since I was a little girl, and I had just gotten a bunch for Christmas, so they were there with me in my room at my grandparents'. If I had my way, I'd wear tights and a tee shirt everywhere I went. I found a black pair of opaques that were dark enough for the season, but the perfect texture to show off whatever good leg parts I had.

So F*cking Special: 1996 (Book 1, The So F*cking Special Series)Where stories live. Discover now