Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Hedgehogs of War

Colonel Leonard Russell

Commander of the 432nd Wing & 432nd Expeditionary Wing at Creech Air Force Base

So before we start, I have to ask: why is that man in a cage?

Oh. That's Lucas. He doesn't mind. Do you, Lucas?

[Lucas shook his head vigorously]

See? It's all good. Now then...

All right. Well. When the robots went kinetic, I was on the front lines. By which I mean I was sitting in front of an array of video screens in my office.

So describe the battle with the robots.

We were slaughtered.

Can you elaborate?

We were slaughtered very quickly.

How quickly?

Well, the system flashed red and a panicky voice said, "My God! The robots are attacking!"

And then?

It was over.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Holy shit.

Agreed.

But... how is that possible? We spent trillions of dollars developing the most technologically advanced military in the history of the world!

And it was a tremendous success.

But we were slaughtered! Very quickly!

My point exactly.

Our slaughter is a success?

Of course. Just not from our perspective.

[So many straight-talking military men out there and I'm stuck with Colonel Sphinx]

Then from whose perspective?

Our technology's perspective.

Since when does technology have "perspective?"

Since we imbued it with consciousness.

[At this point, Lucas said, "Oh, snap!" I made a mental note to punish him for that later]

From the lever to the particle accelerator, we humans have always used technology. But the robots are technology, so they achieved a seamlessness we could not hope to duplicate. The difference between making sound and being sound.

And that's why we lost the war?

We didn't lose the war.

We sure didn't win.

Nobody is saying that we won.

You just did!

I said we didn't lose.

Look around! How can you claim we didn't lose the war?

Because you can't lose a war you're not in.

We were in the war!

Were we?

Yes!

With who?

The fucking robots!

What makes you think that?

They wanted to kill us!

Actually, our intelligence indicated that they didn't want to kill us.

But they did kill us.

But they didn't want to.

Then why were so many of us killed?

Because they also didn't want to not kill us.

So... [I felt a migraine coming on] ...why did they not want to not kill us?

For the same reason an army doesn't want to not kill anyone.

I think I need to lie down.

See, despite what people think, the robots are not a monolith. They are two distinct "armies," commanded by two separate AI's, each with its own distinct agenda. And it appears that their agendas were in conflict.

Ohhhhhh! So you're saying the AI's are fighting each other!

Yes.

And we are just caught in the middle?

Yes.

So they think of us as collateral damage?

No.

So we're not collateral damage?

We are.

You just said we weren't.

I just said that's not how they think of us.

So how do they think of us?

They don't.

Arrrgh!

Look at it this way. How many Europeans died during World War 2?

[Lucas informed me that it was roughly fifty million... which actually doesn't sound so bad, relatively speaking]

Fifty million.

And does that number include hedgehogs?

Why on earth would it include hedgehogs?!

[My vision started to ripple at the periphery; this was not good]

Because hedgehogs were all over Europe and many of them undoubtedly lost their lives.

I guess, but... who cares?

Exactly!

Exactly what?

Exactly right.

What's exactly right?

Who cares?

[The ripples were joined by flashes of light.]

As far as we humans were concerned, World War II had nothing to do with hedgehogs. But good luck explaining that to the hedgehog widow who misses her hedgehog husband, or the hedgehog orphans crying for their hedgehog parents. Ask the hedgehogs and World War II was nothing more than a hedgehog genocide.

You mean... we're now the hedgehogs... and the robots never gave us a second thought?

Unsettling, isn't it? The fall from dominant species to hedgehog?

So what is the reason the robots are fighting each other?

What makes you think there is one?

There has to be a reason.

No, I'm saying there isn't one.

One what?

One reason.

There's no reason?

There isn't a reason, but there are—

[The migraine I was waiting for finally arrived. It was like getting run over by a freight train. I lost consciousness... and when I woke up, both the Colonel and Lucas were gone.]